A
female
age
41-50,
*smith78
writes:So I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months. We have been friends for years, and he said that there was something about me that made him want to take it to the next level. I love him, and I am pretty sure he loves me. But here's the problem.I have been a big woman my whole life. I have lost about 70 pounds over the last year and a half. I still have about another 70 to go. That being said. He and I don't have sex. We have only had sex twice, and it was horrible. He couldn't stay hard, and had his eyes closed the whole time. He wouldn't talk about it for the longest time...until today when he finally admitted that the problem is my weight. He brushed it off like it was such a minor thing. "Oh, honey, don't worry about it. We are going to the gym, and you are working on it, so it will be fine."My thing is that I don't know if I should stay with him based on this. If he doesn't love me fully for who I am today, then why does he deserve me later when I am thinner? My heart is just crushed, and my self-esteem went straight down the drain.What do I do???
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): Time to find a new man. There are plenty of guys out there who this won't be an issue for.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): Who picks someone they are not attracted to for a long term relationship? The answer is no one in their right mind. I believe your boyfriend has a preexisting sexual problem that he wants to blame on your weight. No matter how much weight you lose he will be unable to have sex with you or anyone really.
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A
male
reader, devont  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 I can't believe that is the reason he doesn't want to have sex, I really think there must be something else going on. Being with someone because in the future they will/might be someone you're attracted to is ludicrous. That would be like going out with someone who is ugly but their mum is hot, in the hope they might grow to look like her.
Guys aren't stupid. Saying you're not attracted to a girl because of her weight is a brave and bold (and horribly rude) thing to say - you know it will be something she'll take very, very personally and something she will hold against you. I really think he's just using it as an excuse, there's a bigger problem here. Maybe you were asking why you weren't having sex and that was just the easiest thing for him to say, true or not.
Whatever he's got going on, I don't think it is worth putting up with. Just like the others have said, he doesn't deserve you now OR later. I know this is easier said than done, but don't let this play on your heart or bring you down. It's really harsh for him to say that and very unnecessary. I would move on and you'll meet someone else that will love you for you, any weight, any height, any shoe size.
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A
female
reader, csmith78 +, writes (5 August 2014):
csmith78 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou both make really good points. This is just such a bad situation, and I am lost. I don't want to lose his friendship, and we work together so it makes it even more complicated.
But I think you are both correct. I can't keep letting him use me...whatever motive he may have.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 I could not agree more with You Wish.
It's not that he won't deserve the thin you, it's that probably he did not even deserve the fat you to begin with.
This story is strange, mekes no sense.
I know plenty of men for whom extra weight is not an issue, or who, in fact, PREFER big women. But, your bf is not among them, unluckily. For him, extra weight IS a dealbreker. He does not do it on purpose, yet he finds a big woman unattractive- in fact, let's call a spade a spade, repulsive : to the point of being incapable in practice to have sex with her.
So,... why did he want to get together with you ? Ok, he liked you, you were friends, you got along, all fine and dandy, and ?... what about physical attraction ? Didn't he know that two lovers express their love physically too ? if he knew he found you physically unappealing, what was he thinking to do, involve you in a sexless relationship ?...
I think you have to question his reasons for wanting to be with you, and to be mercilessly honest with yourself, examining all the little alarm bells that you may have chosen to neglect, the red flags that you may have overlooked. Because it sounds like he really has his own agenda for being with you .
Maybe it is about money- you help him out with cash or gifts , or a roof over hs head, .. or you are able to help him building himself up in his career, something like that.
Or , he is a closeted gay who needs a " beard ".
Or maybe, it's something less sinister, perhaps he is one of those socially awkward , dorky, insecure guys who think no woman will ever want them but a fat lady who surely has no other takers ( that's NOT what I think about big ladies , I want it to be clear,- but it is a very diffuse way of thinking ).
Anyway- there's a catch somewhere. Where ?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 August 2014):
 First of all, a huge congratulations on your weight loss! If you've lost 70 pounds, you have earned the right to hold your head as high as you want to. All of my best hopes and good thoughts for you on that second 70!
Your post is different to me than the mere "my boyfriend won't have sex with me because of my weight" posts out there, because what the others have in common is a thin partner that has let themselves go and gained weight. What makes yours different is that you and he have gotten together when you were at a higher weight.
Honestly, I question your boyfriend's reasons for being with you in the first place if he entered and initiated a relationship while you were at a higher weight, yet your size was a turnoff to him from the start. It makes me suspicious that he is with you for reasons other than love, like security or financial gain or if he has kids and wants you to care for them or whatever. Usually, a guy dates a woman of size because that is his type. In fact, I have seen posts on here where the guy who has dated a higher BMI has lost weight, and the woman losing weight and getting healthy has to deal with her partner losing interest because she has become someone who isn't his type.
If I were you, I would leave him. What if you got sick? Would he ditch you then? What if you gained weight back? Would he abandon you and deny you affection like he's doing now? What else would he want to control if he feels that he "got" you to lose weight? I wouldn't like it.
It's not that he doesn't deserve the "thin" you. He simply doesn't deserve YOU. That's abuse if he dates you, yet refuses you until you conform to what he wants, and you deserve a guy who loves you inside and out. Keep losing weight for you, not him. I don't trust his motives for being with you in the first place. Guys do that as a cover for something else anyways.
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