A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Please don't make me feel worse, I'll probably get lectured by some aunts but I need your prayer and your advice. Disclaimer, there is some very intense stuff I'm going to discuss, please don't judge. I just found out I'm pregnant for the third time and I'm scared. My first baby was a teenage pregnancy with an older man. He swapped my contraceptives, we were dating for 6 months. His mom was a single teen mom who left him and he wanted the same, to get a teen pregnant, so he changed my pills for fake ones. His mom abandoning him made him a troubled man, he was a high school drop out and he tried so hard convincing me to do the same. I come from a family with a similar story that started in another continent. I lived through hell at home and he was my escape. I was told that I was supported by everyone and he was quick to tell everyone. I was trapped by this man. I had no financial support whatsoever, since I come from parents with a lot of kids but only mom works. She has money but she's selfish. After all, she's raised children her whole life and my brothers and dad are still grown ass leeches. She hates me since I was a child and more since my pregnancy. It's like she was happy that it happened so she can use it against me forever. We have no grandparents and the extended family is absent, some in other continents and basically strangers. This time was so stressful and it got worse when I found out he had another girlfriend the whole time, halfway through my pregnancy. I was so close to quitting life. I had an amazing baby and I did it all by myself mostly, with him being in our life. I finished high school, we moved together and I worked. I couldn't deal with him anymore, I feel like he loved me but he was mean to us and he never wanted our daughter in the house. He always wanted to leave her to his great grandma or daycare. I found out he still cheated and I left him, which became a war on it's own. He denied every right to our daughter if I didn't go back to him and so I was on my own. I went back to my mom's where they made it sure that I couldn't survive. I started dating a friend, he became her father figure. I feel like it was my escape again, it all happened so fast. Contraception failed and I was pregnant again. I told him didn't want to be a mother again, it was traumatic, and the people who said they'd support me were nowhere to be seen in hard times. But once again, there was support and he was so happy and after a lot of consideration, we moved in together in a apartment owned by his parents in their property. I'm so grateful, yet I wish I would have stayed on my own. I haven't been free ever since. I've thought a lot about motherhood and how hard it is, so much that I became pro-choice. I was so jealous of my friends that were able to get married and travel because of choosing themselves and not being trapped by men. I would never trust anyone that says they'll be there because it's all fake, and child support here is a joke.The first baby daddy sued me because now, he wanted to have time with his daughter. When he got her, he never returned her and left her hidden with his great grandma. My daughter developed a lot of mental health issues during that time because of that woman. She spoke very bad about me to my daughter and she still is affected, having to get expensive treatment. I sued him to get her back and child support. The legal situation was so bad that I had to retrieve her by myself, it was a whole operation to find her and steal her back. He married and got her pregnant as revenge and not having to pay. My life was on pause at first but I worked, went to an academy, got a diploma, went to college. I was about to finish college but it got really hard when my boyfriend decided he would go back to college too, and just getting close to graduation I paused my studies for lack of money to become a stay at home mom with no help. He barely helps at all, his free time is free while I do every single chore and he won't help more than 10%. His job is not enough. He doesn't get other than a salary and no insurance, no vacations, nothing. My parents never cared for my baby and we think it's because he's mixed, his skin was darker like his grandma's and not white. Both of my kids resemble their dads, but my daughter is loved and my son is ignored. They haven't babysat him once and never will. They act like we're not a family because they have their issues and are jealous that "we're not doing as bad" as they are. My boyfriend never married me like he proposed in the beginning, he's not ready. I don't think he'll ever be, his parents never got married and are opposed because they say I'll leave him and ask for alimony. I was heartbroken because my life got worse, he started being very jealous and abusive like his father, I couldn't keep my job because of him being jealous. It was a nightmare. His stepdad is amazing for letting us live here but has a crush on me and has made moves which is very inappropriate. His mom is evil and she hates us, she's told him she should've never had him and she takes our money for the place which his stepdad owns and we have it hard. The stepdad has at best 10 more years to live and my MIL said she will sell the house and move to another continent and leave us without nothing. Depression has me in a hole, I got to the lowest ever. Still, I've been able to go on, I was hoping for a lot of big things for our lives. I've been working here and there, looking forward to finish college and move out. I've asked for my mom to help me, but she says she can't help me because dad got diagnosed with dementia. She only cares about helping church members, my brothers and my brother's wife. She still talks to my ex, and he has manipulated her and he made sure that she never even thinks about helping me out or be kind to me anymore. I was planning of separating and I wasn't sleeping with my partner at all, I just wanted out of here. I started feeling very ill and I thought it was my depression. I didn't think it was possible until I found out I am pregnant. He confessed that that night I was out asleep and since he was drunk, he thinks he did the unthinkable. That's how it happened, but he still tried to deny, to imply that it wasn't him, but then he said it was him.One day my dad snitched that my mom terminated a pregnancy and I was confused as to why she never told me. I always thought it should've been me. Mom was always resentful that she became a mom to her female daughters, that's why she was so happy that an older man was dating me, she wanted me out of the house as quick as possible. My partner said he supports me no matter what, it's up to me. I asked him if he was me what would he do and he laughed and said abort it and never look back, because he doesn't believe in God and because of finances. He wants the baby but not the responsibility. I thought I wasn't having it just like mom did, but when talking to the doctor, it felt like m?rder to me. Just thinking about the whole act was traumatic and not even allowed in my area. I have cried just at the thought of it and doing research and it feels so wrong in so many levels. My best friend says it's selfish to keep it because she knows we're not lasting and I don't have the resources. She says if I kept it, I wont make it from the postpartum depression which I had both times and I could end my life, it's true. I felt like I was giving up on the embryo which I already love and she thinks I'm humanizing a clump of cells that doesn't even have feelings and doesn't even know what's happening. My doctor says the same. Adoption is not an option because I know how the child could end up at foster care and hate me and everyone will judge me and I'll be left on the street. I don't want to be a mother right now again. I dreamed of a future with a real husband that I love and doing things right. I don't know what to do, I've been paying for the pregnancy by myself and have no money left. My partner doesn't even care, doesn't help, and never has money, I've been starving literally, which being pregnant feels like dying. I'm not in the States so I can't get any help from organizations, nor from the government because I don't qualify, since I live in this property that's in a "nice" area. I have nothing in my name, no car, a ton of debt, not enough room for another child and probably will get kicked out. We pay to use one of his family's car and we pay a lot in education for our children, to the point where there's not even food in the fridge. I don't trust my man or any man, and I don't want to be with the father since our first child. I don't think I'll ever forgive him for getting me pregnant this way knowing how much I've been through. I'm really scared it's high risk pregnancy because I'm in pain and tired all day. Do you think it's possible to succeed as a single mother of 3? Do you think I'm taking motherhood too lightly this time? Have you ever gotten an abortion and not regret because it was for the child's best interest like some people say? They say it gets better over time and I know for sure I should've been aborted in the first place. But I just can't do it to a child that was conceived in a similar way that Jesus himself was put in Mary's womb. I feel like it's just something I wont ever understand how it got in my belly in the first place.
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