A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 29 years old and live with my boyfriend, who is 31 years old and we have been together for over 7 years. Together we have a son of 3 1/2 years old. We have lived together most of our relationship. We fell in love fast and knew immediately we wanted to stay together. Our relationship has had it's ups and it's downs over time as I believe most relationships do. We have been through so much together and have become much better people both spiritually and success wise together. We enjoy most all the same things in life and love being together and love our son; and love being parents. As the years go by in our relationship and my son grows older, I am really starting to grow impatient with the status of our relationship. When I got pregnant, neither of us wanted to get married just because I was pregnant. My son was a bit of a surprise. We both wanted kids eventually, but he showed up a tad soon. When my son was born, my boyfriend gave me a gorgeous ring, but he made sure he made his point that it WAS NOT an engagement ring, but more so a "mother ring". I felt at the time this was a good sign of commitment, considering he stayed with me that far and the ring cost as much if not more than an engagement ring. I figured I would wait to see how things turned out, let him become a father, let me become a mother, raise our child and see if we thought we could do this for the rest of our lives.....Well, now, almost 4 years has gone by since the birth of my son, and still no proposal or sign anything in sight.The thing is, we have talked about it on numerous occasions....He has expressed concern about:-Not being ready-he is still working on his career, is not where he wishes to be yet-he is still finishing his degree (he has 4 more months of school left)-the cost of a ring-Not wanting me to change when I become his wife-Not wanting me to stop caring about my looks -I have too much debt for him to marry me-My career isn't where it should be yet-He doesn't want to change when he becomes my husband.....the list goes on, too many reasons to remember......I explained to him:-I don't want or need a wedding *right now*-I don't want or need a ring *right now*-We basically live as married people, nothing would change except a sense of being secure for me.-He can finish his school and get his career on path as wanted-I will get my career to where it needs to be because I want to!-My debt is because of an ex, and I am currently paying all my bills on time as well as I can! I make almost 6 figures a year, very good money and am a hard worker, but my credit score is still bad.-I always will look nice/take care of myselfAll I want is:For him to *ask* me to be his wife, let me know he will be here, the ring and wedding can come later. I want to feel *secure* knowing I have a man who will be here. I want that sense of pride in saying "Hello, I am his fiancée." To know soon that the day will come when I can be his wife! When he is done with school and finds a better job, we can do the planning jazz.I don't even want a big wedding.In fact, we are Buddhist, and in our practice it's about the bride and groom, there is no bridal/groom party etc. It can be as small as we want. I don't even want a diamond ring! I don't even like gold or expensive things! I am a simple girl when it comes to all that stuff. Skip the fancy expensive wedding and ring, I just want to be his wife. (He says says he wants to marry me, but not now, he says he wants me to be his wife, he says someday......I ask him if his makes me his fiancée, he says no.)All of this just really makes me feel like a live-in girlfriend with a baby-daddy. It makes me feel not good enough, or like maybe he is in it because its easy for him to live like being married but not do it, so maybe he can just leave if things go wrong....I was raised in a household where the men marry the women after a few years at least....Most of my friends are married with kids, and right now, for me, it feels right, it feels like its time. I am ready to be serious now. I may not have been before, but now I am. I want to show my son that we are serious too. When he starts school I don't want to say "Hello, this is my boyfriend" That doesn't feel right to me. I feel like I have earned the right to be a wife after all this time of loving him no matter what, cooking, cleaning, caring for our son. I feel almost like I am being cheated by doing all this and not being treated like a wife by not having that sense of commitment. I know you can't force anyone to do something they dont want to do, but honestly, if he is so afraid to move the relationship up a level after all these years and a child, I just don't know if I want to hang around. I love him with all my heart and he is such a good Dad, but he has no idea how it makes me feel. Whenever I have talked about it, he doesn't seem to listen about my feelings, but is quick to state his, then tell me he is done with the conversation. He makes sure he lets me know I am the one he wants to be with, I am the one he loves, I am the one he will marry someday, but he is not ready now.So, tonight I told him..."You know what, I give you a year hall pass. If you are so unsure and not ready for me, go out into the world and do what you want and feel you need to do, I am going to get off your back." And yes, I meant it all. I just feel like he needs to be free, as that is one of his fears with marriage is lost freedom. I honestly love him enough to let him be. I guess time will tell if that was a good choice or not, lol.... However, I don't feel like I am asking much to be engaged with a wedding date pending....Why is this such a big issue? I am a bit old fashioned in the sense I would *like* to have the engagement last a year or so too! Am I asking too much? Has anyone out there resolved a situation like this? HELP!?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): He will never marry you. EVER. If he wanted to he would have done it years ago. Now it would be more like forcing him to do it. If you were old fahioned you would not have had a kid with him or moved in with him.I myself moved in with my boyfriend, but because marriage does not interest me on the least, and he already proposed drags me into engagement ring stores, but I'm not ready. So if marriage is such a big deal for you, then I suggest you move on, because on this arrangement he has everything he needs, why burden himself with a signed paper that signifies a commitment that is supposed to be forever?? If he breaks up with you now, it is easier (yes, even with a child) because he does not have to go through an official divorce, hire lawyers... so why spend time, effort and money on a wedding..when you can use it for some vacation or something?It is clearly not important for him, or it not a priority, or he wants your financial situation to be different when he actually does it. So just leave imo, if he comes around that is a different story.If you need the paper so badly you may ask him what is stopping him, if you really do not need money then a court house wedding will do.About your credit, I suggest looking into consolidating your debt, and doing more than just paying the bills on time as interests accumulates. There is also a free goverment service that helps people "fix" their credit issues. I do not know if your bad credit and bad financial skills may prevent him from wanting to mix your finances with yours. (Yes, some people feel this way)Good luck with this.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 January 2013):
 He will never marry you. I am in agreement with CaringGuy on that.
Sadly marriage will not ensure that he stays with you either.
This past year I married a man who until he met me (he was 37) swore up and down right and left in and out that he was never getting married... he did not believe in marriage and marriage was stupid... within 6 months of meeting me he knew he wanted to get married.
The better story is our close friends... the first time groom was 52! He married his first time bride just shy of her 40th birthday!
My point is that every man I've ever known who is married is married because he wanted to marry the woman... whether she was good, bad, young or old, something in her stirs him to the point that he only thing he wants is to commit to her with marriage... when it strikes age has no say....
This man is happy to play house with you, and you are fine the way things are... but he is never going to marry you...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): "When I got pregnant, neither of us wanted to get married just because I was pregnant."Maybe you should have considered that it might have been in your then-unborn child's best interests for the two of you to make a lifetime commitment to each other when you were about to make a lifetime commitment to your child as his parents."We basically live as married people, nothing would change except a sense of being secure for me."The only couples who live as married people are married couples. There would be major changes, most significant being that shack-up boyfriend would have entered into a binding legal and spiritual contract requiring obligation and commitment on his part. "My debt is because of an ex, and I am currently paying all my bills on time as well as I can! I make almost 6 figures a year, very good money and am a hard worker, but my credit score is still bad."Then as your husband his assets would be your assets, and your liabilities would be his liabilities."All of this just really makes me feel like a live-in girlfriend with a baby-daddy."That's all you are."It makes me feel not good enough, or like maybe he is in it because its easy for him to live like being married but not do it, so maybe he can just leave if things go wrong . . ."That's exactly the way it is. "Whenever I have talked about it, he doesn't seem to listen about my feelings, but is quick to state his, then tell me he is done with the conversation."That's what he does."He makes sure he lets me know I am the one he wants to be with, I am the one he loves, I am the one he will marry someday, but he is not ready now."That's what he says, which directly contradicts what he says. "I am a bit old fashioned in the sense I would *like* to have the engagement last a year or so too!"I am a bit old fashioned in the sense that I think it's pointless and superfluous for a couple who have been shacking up for seven years and have a kid together to bother with a lenghty "engagement" or waste money on an engagement ring on top of "mother" ring when the funds could be better applied to a college fund for the child you've already had out of wedlock. At this point, either a pre-schooler's parents are related to each other or they're legal strangers (not related by marriage, blood, or adoption). Being a "fiancee" and showing off a rock is somewhat moot when pushing a stroller.Sorry, but I have to agree with CaringGuy conclusion that boyfriend's never going to marry you because at this point he has nothing to gain and a lot to lose, and it would appear at this time that your options are limited to remaining a live-in girlfriend/baby mama or becoming a single mother.
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth  +, writes (6 January 2013):
This is where most women seem to go wrong these days. This man no longer has any reason to marry you. You already have a child together, you already live together and you basically live a married life already. Why does he need to marry you?I am not saying he wont marry you but there is no rush at all for him to marry you. And at the same time, why now do you want to get married? as you say nothing will change, it is now just a good reason to dress pretty and have a big party in honour of your relationship. Having a child together is a bigger commitment than marriage. If you get married and want a divorce and no children are involved you simply go your seperate ways, you stay unmarried and a child is involved then the two of you are still tied together for life for the sake of your child. At the end of the day if you say to him "we get married or we're over" then you dont think much of the relationship anyway. Or you can simply accept that you are living a married life and one day maybe he might decide to make you his wife. I dont agree with what he is doing and his reasons for not marrying you all seem pretty stupid but as I say you have chosen to live like a married couple and so you have put yourself in a position where he no longer has a reason to marry you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 January 2013):
He will never marry you. Ever. He is now in the best position that a man can be in - he's got you, he's got a child, but he's not married meaning that he walk away any time and not have to foot a huge bill, or go through a hefty divorce.
How do I know all this?
My father once said to my mother 'you can wear a ring and pretend to yourself you're engaged, but don't tell anyone we are'
She didn't fall for this, but she did fall for all the other crap. Result? Years later, with 3 children and a load of misery, he finally tells my mother he never wanted marriage.
Sorry to tell you this, but you won't be getting married to this man. All that now remains to be decided, is whether marriage means more to you than your relationship. If it does, then you might need to consider moving on. If not, and you love this man, then accept the relationship for what it is.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 January 2013):
 This is really all about how YOU handle his failure to make a committment to you and your child.....
You can continue as things are.... indefinitely.... which would make him happy, indefinitely.... OR,
You could say to him, "You know, lovey-stud, I really want to be A WIFE as well as a Mommy..... and I need a HUBBY as well as a Daddy, in order to do that.... SOooooo, I'm going to give you one last opportunity to take up that position and status.... after which - if you choose not to take up that status - I am dumping your sorry a$s and finding a man who is man enough to be a Daddy and a Hubby.
Your call....."
Then, wait (very briefly) for his response... and let your life be guided by what he sez....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 January 2013):
 I look through that list and I think even after a few years where your careers are where it should be, you are still slim, your debts got cleared, he will still think of more reasons why marriage is not good. I feel he is just throwing a bunch of things in there to rationalize not wanting to get married. You are earning almost 6 figures and he's still not satisfied. Leave him if you feel that being a single mom is better than being a frustrated, resentful live in girlfriend, and not because there are plenty of fish in the sea. There are lots of fish that only want sex without commitment. It's unfortunate that your friends are all married and you feel you are shortchanged. It's true that marriage is on the decline but I still feel that the chances of you meeting a new guy and getting married in a few years are bigger than your current boyfriend getting married to you.
I don't know laws in the USA but not getting married does not mean you are free of responsibility. You are still common law and you have to discuss with a lawyer about what rights you have should you separate. I do feel that with your boyfriend and his negativity, you won't feel secure with him even if he convinces himself to get married to you. I think that your boyfriend is hanging in there just so that he does not have to deal with child support and driving the kid back and forth. He also has someone to share chores with.
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