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My bf doesn't work and I pay all the bills. Please help me see this from a different perspective.

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 November 2011) 7 Answers - (Newest, 16 November 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I am at a tough point in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year, and have been best friends for 2 years before that. I love him a lot, and I think he loves me too. However, after starting to live together, the problems began. He does not work, and is living on my money. I paid his house deposit, I pay all the bills, all the food, and the rent. He says he will return me the money as soon as he has it, however, it seems like he is NEVER going to have it, as he has not done a thing to try and find a job. Whenever I try to subtly mention that he should apply somewhere, he either gets really angry and says that he is always trying (which he isnt, he is mostly gaming or watching tv all day). I am a student and it is hard to pull two people along for me purely on my student loan. Over my summer holiday I worked 12 hours a day, sometimes even 7 days a week to keep up on top of finances. However I am really struggling right now as I am back at university and can not manage a full time job along with it. I also have a lot on my shoulders right now as I am dealing with a court case (between my old housemates) and trying to pay off a debt that I got because I could not keep up paying my gym membership and phone contract (I used to be able to afford them before all this happened). I really feel like I am failing in many aspects of my life, and am quite depressed over it, however my boyfriend has shown me no support in the hard times, except either telling me to "deal with it" or saying that he likes it when I get upset over these things because he can "laugh at me". No word of a lie, he actually said that to me once. I really wish he could return me the money he owes me, with which I could pay off all my debts, but every time I mention it he says something like "I dont want to know about it" or just goes in a huff and walks off. I know I am listing all the totally negative points, but I am so confused at what to do right now. Am I being blind by having him with me? He really is lovely in the matters where nothing financial or material is concerned, and I feel happy around him when he is in a "good" mood. However, as my situation is not shifting, I feel I am slowly slipping into depression, and am so confused at what to do! I feel like if I leave him I will never find someone as close as he is to me. Please help me see this from a different perspective? Am I right? What can I do?

View related questions: best friend, debt, depressed, money, university

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (16 November 2011):

We can't offer a different perspective because there isn't one. Not a positive one, anyway.

This guy is a leech. He lives off you and uses his anger to exert control over you. I bet that when you're getting close the point to tell him to shove it and get the hell out he's suddenly sweet and nice. This guy manipulates you. He doesn't work because he doesn't have to. He knows how to control you because you're a good person who likes to think the best of people. You get stepped on like a doormat. You swallow his BS. This is how it's going to stay if you stay with him.

Some few things you need to learn:

#1. Never loan money. You either give it or you don't. People are NOT trustworthy when it comes to borrowing money. Not your friends, not your boyfriend. So don't expect to see any of it back

#2. Look at actions not words. Your boyfriend is saying he'll find work but his actions show he isn't. He says he loves you but his actions (laughing at you while you're struggling) show that he doesn't

#3. A suitable partner is an independent one. Your boyfriend isn't, not by a long shot.

So in short: get rid of this guy! There is absolutely NO reason to stay with him. Tell him: "This is it, I am not going to do this anymore. I am sick and tired of paying for every single thing. I'm tired of hearing you make excuses and get angry at me while I am working my ass off to pay for your lazy lifestyle. I am tired of being deceived and lied to. You promised me to pay my money back and you promised to get a job. You didn't keep those promises. I will give you two weeks to move out because I no longer believe you are man enough to pull your own weight. If you want to prove me wrong, you got 2 weeks to do it. If you can't you can find yourself a new place to live."

Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself for once! The world isn't fair or nice. Sometimes you need to be hard and tough because not only will you do yourself a favor, you will drive home to him that he needs to make his own money if he wants to make it out there. Basically a win-win situation, even if he may not view it as such at first.

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (16 November 2011):

tennisstar88 agony auntTo rectify this stressful situation, you're going to have to tell your boyfriend he needs to either find a job within this month or move out. You can't have him freeloading off of you, since you don't make enough money to support the both of you. Also, it's NOT your JOB to support your boyfriend.

You two shouldn't have moved in together knowing that he doesn't have the funds to share rent and all other living expenses with you. He's not going to go out and get a job because YOU PAY for EVERYTHING.

Be firm and give him an eviction notice.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (15 November 2011):

Ciar agony auntWe hear from women trapped in unhappy and sometimes abusive relationships all the time. Those women stay because they lack the financial resources to leave. You are the opposite. You're the one with all the money and all the power and control here and you stay because you think you won't find anyone quite like him. Pray you don't. You'll find someone far superior in every way, but you have to be available when they come along. What decent man is going to pursue you while you're involved with someone else?

It's time you re-evaulate your definition of 'lovely'. When we assess people we take ALL of their known behaviour into account. Using your criteria, we could also say Hitler was lovely, couldn't we? He wasn't a womanizer, never cheated, wasn't addicted to pornography or poker, didn't smoke or drink to excess, and loved animals. Just because your boyfriend isn't raping or murdering anyone or beating you up morning, noon and night does not mean he is a good person. Character is not just measured by how someone behaves when everything is wonderful. It's how they behave during times of difficulty as well.

He isn't going to pay you back. If and when he does find work the last person to see any benefit from it will be you. Stop waiting about for him to do the right thing. Take charge and make the decision yourself. You have all the information and resources you need. Your well being is your responsibility. Get rid of him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011):

Doesn't he get benefits and help with his share of the rent..he should be claiming as he's out of work.

The issue is you are a student at Uni and getting in a mess financially because he's bone idle and on a freebie. Your studies are all you should be worrying about. It would benefit you if he moved out, back to his parents, so you could have somebody else in to share, another student maybe so you don't have to pay Council Tax and can share the bills.

Tell him you need him to move out as you can no longer support him and pay your debts.And mean it.

If you are joint tenants then only pay your half of the rent to the Agent - explain to them clearly your boyfriend is responsible for his share,till he moves.

He's being immature and irresponsible and as long as you pay everything he will let you.Be strong and sort this out.

Good Luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011):

as harsh as it may seem, probably the best solution to this is to leave your partner. You can't go through life trying to support someone else when you are struggling, it's not going to get any easier, and even when you finish uni you will stil have a loan to consider, on top of all your other bils and expenses. Tell him he has three weeks to get a job (or start making a serious effort to get a job) any job at all, or he has to leave

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (15 November 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony aunthe's not working

he's not looking for work

you are living together and paying all the bills....

you THINK he loves you... why do you think he loves you? what does he do that makes you THINK he loves you?

what is he doing to contribute to the running of the household?

my boyfriend and I live together and plan to marry next year. We are currently both working and we BOTH do things in our home to make it run properly...

living together is teamwork...

so if you feel he's not doing his fair share you need to say something like:

'i'm paying all the bills, going to school and working... what are you doing to contribute to this relationship"

if he gets mad or wont' discuss it... think long and hard about staying with him.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (15 November 2011):

aunt honesty agony auntHoney it sounds to me like he is a user. Read over your post again and look at the way he is treating you, if you where to read this and give someone advice well then what would you say after reading that. He is cruel and heartless by what he says to you. He is not going to go out and find himself a job, in his head he thinks why should he when you are letting him live of you. You have got yourself in to debt and it is just going to get worse and worse and you will be the one that is left to pay it when he is off looking for someone else to use. All the other aspects of your relationship may seem good to you, but that is him making an effort so that you will keep looking after him. It is time to wake up honey and smell the smoke. This is not going to end well. If he loved you he would be trying to support YOU. He would be doing everything he could to pay you back so that you are not as stressed out, but he is not he is getting some cheap thrill out of your pain and finds it funny. He is immature. Get rid of him. I know you think it is love, but believe me on his side it really is not. I know you think you will never find someone like him, well here's hoping that you don't because he sounds like a disaster. You will find someone one day who will treat you well, who will love you, protect you and care for you and when that day comes you will look back at this time and be shocked at how silly you were to allow this boy to walk all over you, and you will probably be angry at yourself as well for allowing it to go on for so long. Tell him he has a week to look for work and start paying you rent and bills or else he is out the door and it is over. If he does not do it then out he goes. You can be strong enough to do this and don't go back on it. Believe me it is for your own benefit honey. Good luck.

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