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Just learned that I may not be my son's father

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 November 2011) 17 Answers - (Newest, 17 November 2011)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I need to make a HUGE possibly life changing decision.

My wife and I are married for almost 15 years. When we met she had just broken up with her ex-bf.

We dated for about 6 months when she told me she was pregnant. I did the right thing, and we got married. Like I said it's almost 15 years now. We have 3 children.

A few days ago, an distant 'friend' moved back into town and looked me up. He had gotten married quite a few years ago, moved many states away, and we kind of lost touch. He was never my 'friend' but was infact the brother of the girl who introduced my wife and me. We were talking and he asked what last name my son 'M' has. I said what are you talking about, he got very like 'oops I said something I shouldn't have'. He finally said that people were talking years ago when my wife and I got married who the father of my son 'M' was.

I assumed that when my wife broke up with her ex-bf and started dating me, that it was totally exclusive.

Do I believe this guy? Now it has put doubts in my mind. This will destroy my life thinking about it, but it would also destroy my marriage if we do tests and 'M' isn't really my child.

I haven't mentioned anything to my wife yet. Do I talk to her and see what she says? Or just send away to one of those DNA testing places and if I am the dad, never mention it, but if I'm not then divorce my wife. I feel bad for the kids, I love them all, but i I was deceived in this large of a matter, then all hope is lost for my marriage. Even though I love my wife, I know that I wouldn't be able to stay with her after this (if it's true).

View related questions: broke up, divorce, her ex

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A male reader, JustHelpinAgain Canada +, writes (17 November 2011):

Reconsidering this I would give your wife the chance to say something first, you could say that you talked with x and it seems like she has a secret she should talk about from when you got married. Say no more, and wait for her. If your fears are true then I expect you will see a bit of shock in her face. Remember though that when she got pregnant it might just have been a simple joke between girlfriends about knowing who the father was that has become exagerated, so be careful.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011):

OP u do not have to get rid of the kid, just get rid of the cheating wife.

The boy needs to know bec of genetical issues eg high blood pressure, cholesterol, heart disease, cancer ....

Oh suffice it to say, have your pound of flesh too...

LoveGirl

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A male reader, JustHelpinAgain Canada +, writes (16 November 2011):

Wow, I would have made a scene on the spot and got my wife and cleared the whole thing up, or not, maybe. But, now you have this festering inside you and it will drive you insane. Almost a no win situation. Think back to when your wife got pregnant, there is only a few days in her cycle

when that can happen. You must remember the circumstances, now think a day plus or minus from then, is it really possible she was having unprotected sex? Also, do you not see some genetic traits? Eyes, nose, ears, etc? If you are really unsure then you have no choice but to discuss with your wife, but divorce doesnt have to be the only outcome. It feels good to understand and forgive, as well.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011):

Difficult situation. I had to ask my wife if I was the father of all our children after a remote affair came to light.

But, talk is cheap and talk is all over. You need to talk with your wife, not rumor mongering folks. Put all life changes aside for the moment.

If there are any questions, then a DNA test is in order.

You have been married for 15 years, and you are the "father of the children". No matter what happens with DNA testing, you should not forget that, and no matter what happens between you and your wife over that testing, then you need to remember that your children are not your wife.

"He was never my 'friend'"

Keep that in mind. If you and your wife are friends, remember that as well.

"people were talking"

People always talk, no matter what.

"Do I believe this guy?"

First off he hasn't said anything of knowledge, only about talk that was being bandied about.

"it would also destroy my marriage if we do tests and 'M' isn't really my child."

Not necessarily, usually it does, but not always. First off, if you go to this point, then you need to also have a professional couples counselor help you with the next steps, regardless of what those steps end up being...you have children to think of.

"Do I talk to her and see what she says?"

Yes...

"Or just send away to one of those DNA testing places and if I am the dad, never mention it, but if I'm not then divorce my wife."

No.

"I was deceived in this large of a matter"

You don't know this yet.

"Even though I love my wife, I know that I wouldn't be able to stay with her after this (if it's true)."

Don't be so sure of that, if she truly loves you, and you truly love her, don't be so sure. Remember, 15 years ago is 15 years ago.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (16 November 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI get the whole biology thing.

I get the whole SHE LIED TO ME thing

to fix those things I suggest you talk to her first and then if you are not happy with the answer you could request a DNA test.... but that's just going to be a piece of paper...

BLOOD is not the only thing that makes a parent; if it was, then no adopted kid would have parents, no stepkids being raised by stepparents would have parents.

I raised a stepdaughter... my sons were raised and loved by their stepmom more than me....

Children grow in our hearts as well as our bellies.

Biology is not all there is...

you were there for the pregnancy

you were there for the birth

the first walk

the first tooth

the first words

the first everything

EMOTIONALLY YOU ARE THE DADDY....

and while LIES (the kind she made if you are not the bio dad) are henious, are you willing to destroy your home and your child for this?

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (16 November 2011):

I would talk to her about it. Going behind her back is not going to do any good because it'll make you just as bad as her if what the guy said is the truth. If it turns out to be a lot of air she will feel betrayed. The risk is too big: even the guy admitted they're rumours so the chances of it being true are very small.

Simply tell your wife: "hey I just ran into X and he had this weird story [insert story]" and then trail off. Don't suggest anything, just look at her and wait for her reaction. Only specifically ask if she shrugs and doesn't give you anything to work with. "Look, I love you, but I have to ask. I trust the answer you give me to be the truth." If after that she says you are the father believe her. If after that you still feel the need to get a DNA test there is something wrong at the base of your relationship.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011):

I would get your son DNA tested. It's up to you how to act on it (or whether you will) but you (and he) need to know, if only for medical reasons.

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A male reader, Jmtmj Australia +, writes (16 November 2011):

Jmtmj agony auntThis is a tricky one and I don't envy your position.

15 years you've raised your son... make no mistake, whether he's genetically yours or not, he's still your son. I dunno dude, maybe its just in my nature, but I'd rather brush the whole thing off as some idiot talking his mouth off about something that for all anybody knows began as just a rumor to begin with. Think about it, guy marries girl who is pregnant... my god, its explosive gossip for the masses- regardless of whether there's any truth in it or not. The truth has never been a prerequisite for gossip to prosper.

But if you feel you must then talk to your wife about it... don't go all covert on this, cos if it backfires and he's your kid all along then its no longer her that broke the trust... its you... and you'll look the fool.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (16 November 2011):

Miamine agony auntGo and talk to your wife.. you can't get a divorce just because some guy who isn't your friend starts saying stuff and gossiping. Tell your wife about what was said. Don't do things in secret. It doesn't say much about your love or your marriage that you would consider doing a DNA test without talking to her first. It also doesn't show much trust that you would half believe any nonsense that is told to you. If you get a secret DNA test, whether the kid is yours or not, you wife will throw you out if she ever finds out. Women get upset about such things.... Don't risk your marriage, it should be built on trust and honesty. Go talk to your wife and get her to tell you the truth.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011):

Why do i get the feeling that u are being "criticised" for now asking the obvious?

Look OP i hate it when women saddle their partners with someone elses child. (U know what i am talking about)

This guy may just be a blessing in disguise: at least her told u the truth. Your wife did not have the decency to do this.

Imagine if it is true: these people will one day slip this info to your "son" and then what? How will he react? Isnt it a shame that he has no control over this situation?

So OP: i suggest this:

Dont talk to your wife Yet: just get the test done. Then if you are the father, speak to her and tell her what the rumours are. Tell her your son will be devastated if he is made aware of the rumours. Then both u and your wife go talk to this friend and set the record straight.

If u are not the father:

- it means your wife was moving from your bed to her ex's all the time and thats when she got knocked up

- it means that she knew from the word go that the other man was the father (she hoodwinked u into believing u had done the deed)

- is she still in contact with her ex lover? Did she really stop?

- confrontation: call a meeting with her and both your parents: yes u need witnesses. Give her your finding and ask her to explain with the others around. Yep some crocodile tears will follow but be strong

-child payments from the real father: find him and get him to start paying.

- divorce? For her betrayal? Only u can decide

- test the other kids. U have to just to be sure.

- dont be a wimp hb abd just accept her words: she lied for so long so get your pound of flesh

- dont trust her again. Dont even try!!!

- make sure u protect your finances from her. Be wise man. Yes she hoodwinked u but be wise and protect your assets. She doesnt deserve your hard earned bucks

- pay child support for the other kids (if they are yours)

- your "son"- just bec u may not be his biological father doesnt mean u need to throw him away. U can still love him but tell him the truth. I hate when parents are not upfront with kids. Later on they resent and start hating their parent for the lies . BUT no mercy for your wife. Be strong and take her to the cleaners. Make certain all your friends and family know bec shes going to run around doing damamge control. Shes going to be telling her stories and trying to garner sympathy votes. U beat her to it!

OP this is not a good situation but u need to investigate and u need to deal with the likelihood that this kid is not yours. What was told to u is not just idle gossip. There is an element of truth to it. Dont be a wimp and turn a blind eye. Do this for the other men who are still clueless that the kids are not theirs. Do this for the men who spend their lives breaking their back for kids they did not father but was led to believe that its their seed. Do this for yourself bec its going to at at u and will destroy u in the end. Who knows maybe the kid is Yours after all and then u scream from the rooftops that u are the father and no one must dare hurt your wife, kids and u with these rumours. BUT u need to find out and only after u get proof do u let the wife know whats happening. U may have been hoodwinked 15 ears ago but now you are in control

Good luck

LoveGirl

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011):

"haven't mentioned anything to my wife yet. Do I talk to her and see what she says? Or just send away to one of those DNA testing places and if I am the dad, never mention it, but if I'm not then divorce my wife. "

You have a problem with someone, then be a man and take it to them first to try and resolve it openly and honestly instead of sneaking around behind their back making plans against them.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011):

If this stuff is true then your wife owed you the truth 15 years ago. Even if she was 95% sure the boy was your child that is beside the point. You had the right to be told there was even the slight possibility that he was not.

Its easy for the rest of us to say "That guy telling you this stuff is just one stranger talking, let it go." But in your shoes I would never be able to just ignore it either. I don't think any self-respecting man would. Even if you try to ignore it, the mere question in the back of your mind will continue to eat away at you. It will crop up at times and undermine your feelings for your son. That is a problem by itself.

Tell your wife about the comment and see what she says. Don't be too accusatory when you say it but don't act like it's nothing either.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011):

Of course you talk to your wife of 15 years first. Why wouldn't you?? And the fact that you have all these contingency plans put into place to either divorce her or keep secrets from her...that really isn't fair to her. After 15 years of marriage (and supposedly without any complaint until now), you at least owe it to her to TELL her of your concerns regarding her and you.

Honestly, I would be very offended if I learned that my husband, upon doubting the paternity of our child, sneaked off and got a secret DNA test, rather than coming to me first. what kind of a marital relationship is that?

she may not have cheated on you (how quick you are to doubt your mate), she may have gotten pregnant by her ex right before she started dating you and maybe is equally in the dark as to the paternity.

so what if you are not the biological father of your son "M." Are you going to stop loving him, are you going to stop calling him "son?" Family is based on relationship, not DNA.

you need to calm down your threatened ego, and talk to your wife about your concerns and that you want to get a paternity test. This is a marital problem, not just your personal problem.

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A male reader, soon567 United States +, writes (16 November 2011):

WOW, Man you said a mouth full, now man up. Why would you put ur child thruogh this to please your own ego. This guy didnt need to tell you anything, you had these feelings long before he sat woth you. Hell you even look up these DNA places...lol. Go ahead and his head and get your sample!

She was pregnant when you got with her? Did you do the math? Was child carried to term? Is this just away for you to dissolve this marriage?

You're really quick to look for the door, slow down and get real advice b4 you make a real mistake.

'Sometimes when you say things, no matter how sorry you are, you can never be forgiving for it.'

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A female reader, fishdish United States +, writes (16 November 2011):

fishdish agony auntI know you feel your wife MAY not have been honest with you, but don't stoop down to a level that you don't know your wife has taken by deviously getting a hair sample from the child. I agree with the previous aunt that it doesn't seem like something you happen to accidentally mention. Even if you weren't the father and you knew, it would absolutely not be an appropriate question, it seems like a dig either way you look at it, so you gotta wonder what he's trying to do here. trust your wife first, always, over anyone else, but you need to ask her instead of letting it fester or you'll drive yourself to the brink.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (15 November 2011):

Ciar agony auntYou're putting an awful lot of faith in what one person, not even someone proven to be trustworthy, has said. I imagine you're probably giving him more credit because you assume he has no reason to lie. But you don't really know that, do you? You don't know him well enough to ascertain what his motives are. For all we know he had a crush on your wife back then and has harboured resentment all these years or he just likes to stir up trouble.

I find it very difficult to believe that all these people were questioning the paternity of your son back then and yet not one person even hinted about it to you. Not even a family member or one of your closest mates. Supposedly there was a flurry of talk and speculation yet NOT ONCE did it reach your ears.

This 'oops' is not the sort of blunder one normally makes. It was either devious or incredibly boorish of this man to make such a remark.

Even if the man felt guilty about saying nothing back then and wanted to clear his conscience, he would have tried to determine how much you already knew and then put it far more delicately than he did.

What would you say to your wife if you discovered she was considering leaving you after 15 wonderful years purely because of some crass remark made by some acquaintance she hadn't seen in 15 years?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011):

See what she says. The truth. Of course, in the biology of a male, we are not supposed to Be the father of someone's child. If that is the case, Then you need to make a decision for the better.

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