A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HelloSo I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and hes always broke. Always some scenario happening. I have grown tired of it. His most recent request is hes broke can I help him. I offered 80.00 and he declined. He said it's not enough and he needs about 500.00. When he gets paid he spends frivolously on himself and his friends and never thinks of me. Meanwhile when hes broke he will ask me and I usually send him but I'm tired of it. He needs to act responsibly and like a grown man not a child. Any advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2020): Come on. Wake up. He is not a boyfriend. He is a guy you barely know - online - who comes to you when he wants money. He does the same with any fool he can meet online who is weak and is quick to say yes. When you say no - even if you have a good reason - he sulks and goes cold on you. So you try hard to please him and give him as much money as he asks for - because you are scared that he will end this so called romance. There is no romance you will girl.
The only thing about you he is interested in is money.
For all you know he is really a woman or an old married man, he tells you what you want and need to hear so that you pay up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2020): Instead of focusing on him using you as an ATM and your relationship, I'll focus on you.
You've been together for 4 years and from what you say he's been like this from the get go, asking money from you, never returning it and spending his earnings on himself. No surprises there.
So, why have you put up with this? You see, until you understand the "why" you cannot stop acting in this self destructive way.
I don't want to generalize and say that it's always the case, but some people are so afraid of rejection, abandonment, being left alone... that they will accept all sorts of bad behaviors to avoid their greatest fear. Some people treat their family and close friends, not just their partners, the way you are treating your bf and they're always bitter and unhappy, no matter what kind of a face they show in public.
Your bf is not the problem in your life, but you accepting this behavior is. You see, he's not the permanent quality in your life. Actually, the only thing permanent in your life is you. People come and go, for one reason or another. Even kids.
Let's say you're just fed up and break up with him, without understanding your own thoughts, feelings and patterns of behavior. Most likely you will end up in a similar relationship or get back together with this bf. Change doesn't just happen. We have to work on it and it always starts with understanding oneself, calling things for what they are and asking the right questions.
So, instead of looking outside, look inwards and ask questions that put YOU In the center not anyone else.
Instead of asking why does my bf act this way, ask why am I accepting this kind of behavior? What am I trying to get and/or avoid? etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2020): This is not a relationship it is an online scam. He earns his living by pretending to be your long distance boyfriend so that he can milk you of money. If you give it to him he chats to you again until the next time, if you refuse or say you cannot afford it he sulks and makes it clear he has lost interest and the so called relationship is over, so that in desperation to keep him as your non existent boyfriend you cough up. Grow up. See this for what it clearly is. It is not a relationship. It is an online scammer pretending to be your boyfriend so that he can regularly get money from you and other women.
IF you cannot get a real man, a local man, a proper boyfriend, at least be honest with yourself and see this for what it is and stop kidding yourself you have a partner. You are paying him to give you a few crumbs of his time when it suits him - online.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (24 December 2020):
 Sweetheart, he is a scammer. This is typical scammer behaviour. You are not his "girlfriend", you are his cash cow. Probably one of many. I predict he will now go sulky/silent on you so that you feel guilt-tripped into sending him money.
Stop wasting your hard earned money on this parasite. He is not "broke". He probably has far more money than you do and, even if he doesn't, he is a grown man and not your responsibility.
Do this for a test to prove whether I am right or not: refuse point blank to send him another penny. After an initial flurry of activity, where he will try his hardest to make you change your mind, he will suddenly disappear as you are no longer any use to him.
Sorry but you deserve better.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (24 December 2020):
You're enabling him and the only way to stop this from happening is to stop giving him money. Tell him ahead of time that you're done so don't even ask. It would be one thing if he was having a difficult time through no fault of his own, but carelessly spending your money then expecting other people to bail him out is completely his fault.
If he gets upset you can simply tell him that if he is going to be mad at anyone it should be himself for not budgeting his money. It's not your responsibility to bail him out.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (23 December 2020):
 This is where you ask yourself if you want a relationship with a man or a boy? If this has been his behavior for 4 years and you've always been his "bank" do you honestly think he's going to change? He asks, and you give in. So close the bank. Tell him that you are in financial stress yourself and can't possibly help him out. He sounds like he just spends foolishly because he knows you'll back him up. See what happens when you no longer give him money. You'll know in a very short time if he really loves you or if he's using you. I hope its the former.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (23 December 2020):
 I don't think that he is miraculously going to change and start being good with money.
You offered him £80, he rudely and ungratefully declined this offer, saying he needs £500. This is a lot of money OP, and this should serve as a major red flag to you.
The second red flag, is he spends money frivolously on himself and his friends and never thinks of you?.
He is a lead weight around your neck that you are carrying around. You need to cut the chain and send him on his way and let him get on with it, let him go out and look for his next sponge.
You need someone who works with you in a relationship and not against you, someone supportive, self sufficient, reliable, loving. OP he is none of these things, and i hate to break it to you, he never will be.
You need to be strong and ditch him and move on.
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (23 December 2020):
 Where does your boyfriend live?......is this an online relationship by any chance?( there are a lot of online scammers out there!!)
What would happen if you lied and said you were broke yourself and have lots of debt to pay off? ( test him to see if he loses interest!)
in short.....not your problem, don't send him any more money!......he is NOT your husband, father or son!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 December 2020):
 Stop giving him money.
Learn to say no.
And yeah, DOES he pay you back when he "borrows" money from you?
You say you "send him" - I presume you SEND him money? So where does he live? Another country?
If he asks for money, I'd tell him to start learning how to budget. That you can't afford to support him.
If he can afford to spend frivolously on himself and friends HE isn't really broke. He is irresponsible with his money and that is NOT your job as a GF to catch him financially when he overspends. STOP enabling him financially!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2020): Yes! Here's some advice.
What is he...a rent-boy, gigolo, or a man-ho???
Does he ever pay you back?
Stop giving a grown-ass man your money!
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