A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone - I'm confused with the direction of my life. My alcoholic boyfriend of 5 years (and it has been a roller coaster ride of binge drinking destruction) has finally quit drinking after a 10 day binge which ended up with him in hospital. He stopped after being 'saved' by God. He was praying with his parents when he came out of hospital, asking for help and praying and God answered. A pastor then came to rid the evil spirits. This was 3 months ago and he has not touched a drop of booze since. I'm so happy that this could save his life. We have a child together and he loves me very much but now he is a full on born again Christian. We haven't been living together for 5 months because I was so drained from the binge drinking and whilst I'm so happy he is healthy, before booze came first and now God. He attends Church every Sunday and goes to bible study classes about 4 times a week, gives money to the Church and prays everyday. Now, I have no idea what I believe in but he is praying everyday that I will be saved. He now says we can't be intimate anymore unless I marry him. He told me this 3 days ago and already had the ring. I'm still getting over the alcoholism so I'm nowhere near getting married and now with most of his time with the Church and nothing beyond kissing and cuddling I'm wondering what I'm doing. Whilst I'm flattered he wants to marry me and respect his beliefs, I'm also confused and lost after his huge lifestyle change. He says I don't have to change but I feel like I do. I'm an outgoing, positive, stable person who has loads of friends, I don't feel like I need God to 'save' me. Can you let me know your thoughts please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2014): Thank you for all your fab advice. Im taking my time on this ... He needs to be sober for at least a year, but then Im still not sure I want to get married. And now with no intimacy, it is just weird.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 November 2014):
 IF a year from now he's still walking this walk, then consider it... 3 months sober is a great start but until he's a year into his sobriety nothing should be changed... in other words no marriage...
It sounds to me like he has swapped one addiction (booze) for another (religion) and that's VERY common. Addictive personalities are just that... and we (yes I am one) have to have something to be addicted to.
for me it's food. and when I swap it out it's usually for exercise... and I can only sustain that for a year or 18 months and then I fail again... but my drug of choice does not make me unable to function like drinking does.
I suggest you get in touch with Al-Anon which is a good program for the loved ones of addicts...
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (10 November 2014):
 Take your time and don't rush into anything. He's obviously serious about getting his life back on track.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (10 November 2014):
He's traded an addiction to booze for an addiction to Jesus, that's all.
Personally there is no way in hell I would date a born again, there are few things I find as distasteful and annoying. But it is your choice. Just don't go pretending to believe in order to be with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2014): Not a good idea- seems he has exchange one addiction for another. While people should be helped and able to rehabilitate alcoholism is a life long battle. I would save your support for family members only in this because there you have a bond and an obligation. Here you aren't committed and there is no reason for you to adopt a religion just to make someone else feel secure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2014): thankyou for your answers. I will take it one day at a time as you say, I have seen him try everything to stop drinking, and am aware that he could relapse but I'd be surprised if he did this time and it has really rocked me. He says he is proposing to show his commitment to me and so that our future is in my hands and that I'm in charge and the decision comes from me if I can accept his new way of life. I feel like I've lost my sparkle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): Don't rush this, I know an alcoholic who spent 1 year sober just to be drawn back in, it's a real illness and as pessimistic as this sounds religion alone might not save him. This is all very new, 3 months is not long. You can be tactful and tell that you need to take each day at a time and A LOT longer for him to show he is sticking to being sober. Also, if he's into this born again Christian thing then that's great but he needs to understand it will be YOUR decision if you want to join.Alcoholics have addictive natures, I am religious, but I feel uncomfortable around what I associate as born again Christians. I feel they try and manipulate and almost brainwash people and with his nature to do things addictively I would just go steady with this and take your time.No offence directed to anyone, just personal experience.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 November 2014):
 I would consider that he now IS a new man (though 3 months sober is great, but doesn't mean he WILL stay sober - alcoholism is a tough addiction with or without religion).
So my advice is, figure out if you WANT this "new guy" as your partner or not. DO NOT agree to marriage if you aren't ready for that.
He is rather inconsistent though. He says you don't have to change, YET he "prays" for you. YOU were NOt the one who were lost down a bottle and if you don;t FEEL you need any "saving" then DO NOT buy into it.
Religion might be JUSt what he needed, doesn't mean YOU HAVE to join him. You have to decide that FOR yourself without feeling like it's being crammed down your throat.
And if you can't continue a relationship with him ON terms you can BOTH agree to, then I'd walk away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): Tell him that you need some time to think about it, and be sure to express that you don't share the same beliefs as him. I think it would only hurt you to marry him and have to pretend to be religious along side him.
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