A
female
age
51-59,
*rooper
writes:Ok, this is my story I have been working for a great company for 2 years now have a wonderful marriage well lets say we have our ups and downs but who doesnt. I started training this man that came to work in my department, well I started flirting he flirted back. One thing led to another and the affair started, well I told my husband who was furious (who wouldnt be) he forgave me thank goodness, my husband he is a good man. I cant begin to think of a reason I done this to begin with. But now the guy will not leave me alone he is blowing my phone up everyday with texts I cant get over him if he continues to do this, I have to see him at work if this is not bad enough he threatens to go tell my husband all the texts I sent him when this was going on. HELP!!! I have got to get this in this guys head he says he is in love with me he cant sleep, ect... The old guilt trip they throw in your face!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): I agree with all these great answers! Change your number!
But I have to say...Annonymous Female has really touched on a factor we don't often consider...the third person!
I realize this question is about you, and not him...so follow the advice of the other posters.
Good Luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): So basically he is behaving like the mistresses/lovers of married men that just won’t take NO for an answer. i.e when the married person runs back to their spouses. I have read all the other responses but also please see whether there is any merit in what i am now saying.
You are married, had sex with this (single?/married?) MAN. After a while you decided to end your affair perhaps you realised that the grass was not greener on the other side. Your hb was furious yet he decided to take you back. Does your hb know of the full extent of your affair. I doubt it since you are now scared that your ex lover will be showing him evidence of your messages. Did you also send your lover pictures as well ? is this what gets your knickers in a knot? You say you don’t know why you had the affair well try sitting down and think hard and honestly why. Were you bored or were you just out to get some sexual gratification no matter who it was. You see, the people who have affairs with married people are not all bad and not all scum. They too have feelings. Married people like you who just use their lovers and then dump them ungraciously tend to destroy their lovers lives. Your lover invested his feelings and his heart in your relationship. You may have been just wanting to have some external stimuli when you started with this man but he took your time together seriously. He invested his total being to be with you. You had your fun with him then you dumped him. You were uncaring and you totally destroyed him. You have now moved on with your faithful hb and lets all pray that in future you keep your legs together when training another unsuspecting victim. Your life is perfect now, you got what you wanted – fun and sex with someone else and now a happy family with a dutiful hubby and kids.
Some questions to ponder – when you started your affair did you tell this man that it was only sex you were after. Did you tell him that nothing would come of your affair.did you tell him that you were not going to leave your hb for him. OR DID you give him false hope and made him want to spend the rest of his life with you. You need to account for your actions here. Yes, what he is now doing is wrong. But what you did to him was equally wrong. You deliberately (seduced?0 him but threw him away later on. Yes, you have reason to feel guilty because you were messing with this man’s head. You deliberately led him on.
I am not saying that this condones his behaviour but you need to understand things from his point. he is trying any tactics to keep you with him, after all he had you for a while while you were cheating on your hb. So he think he can be in your life again. Unfortunately the old saying is , do not shit where you sleep. Meaning don’t mess around at work, in your case/ you need to be totally honest with your hb. Tell him about the explicit texts and maybe pictures. Tell him everything about your affair because this is only the calm before the storm. This man wants some sort of revenge for you dumping him. He thinks by exposing you he can still be with you. Although you know this will not happen , this man hasn’t dealt with your breakup yet. He is still emotionally hopeful . from now on total honesty is going to be the way forward. Sadly you will have to endure some humiliation and office disgrace and just weather the storm. It is not what you want o hear but this is reality. Only time will heal and please stop any or all contact with this man.
You see women are not the only emotional blackmailers when affairs end. Men too suffer and they too want to mete out some sort of justice because they have been wronged. I also want to add that you are indeed very very lucky. Not every man will stay with someone who had sex with a 3rd party. I hope you truly learn your lesson and value your man again. He is truly one in a million. Please do not mess this up again because your third chance may not come. It may just be the beginning of the end.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): Sorry, serves you right. If you choose to have an affair then suffer the consequences. Everyone seems to be telling you what to do now; perhaps you should have thought of all this before having your sordid little affair - see how many people are hurting right now. Perhaps you should go to counselling and see if they can help you sort your head out. I'd deal with the reasons why you chose to have an affair and focus on that and as the others have said, speak to your HR Department with regard to the guy. All in all, well done to you. What a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): All good stuff below.
I'm not going to make any moral judgements - people in glass houses and all that!
He's threatening to reveal to your husband the content of those texts - presumably to coerce you into more shenanigans with him - and where I come from that's called blackmail which is a crime. I imagine a letter from a lawyer pointing this out might convince him you want nothing more to do with him on a romantic level.
If you were to tell your husband the general content of all these texts, which you can safely assume he's probably guessed anyway, there'd be nothing for this colleague to blackmail you with. You don't say whether this man is married or not, but if he is you could equally threaten to tell his wife (or partner) what he's been doing. I don't think you have anything to be particularly concerned about if you were to call his bluff, telling him that your husband knows all about it and if he doesn't back off your husband will come over there and sort things out with him.
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A
female
reader, confwom +, writes (20 May 2009):
 Changing the mobile number and telling your husband about his threat would help, but as you both are working in the same department, if it would be easy for him to find your new mobile number too and you feel like you dont want your husband to see all the text messages if he talk to that guy, then have one of your other best colleague/family member/friend to explain him that everything is over and he needs to step out. If he doesn't listen then tell him you would be reporting to HR or other higher authority. Make sure you sound confident and threatning him while you talk about this to him.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (20 May 2009):
 The first thing you need to do is change your mobile number. He is threatening you by saying he will tell your hubby about the text messages, your hubby already knows you had an affair and if these messages were sent during the affair [which they were] I dont think that it now makes a difference. I think this guy is using this bully tactic as now his ego has been bruised as you chose your husband over continuing the affair with him.
It might be an idea to speak confidentially to your HR department and see if they can not transfer you to another section or alternatively transfer him to another section. Failing that if you are really desperate to be rid of this guy, start looking for employment elsewhere.
Honeygirl
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