A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in a great deal of emotional pain and I feel depressed, to the point where I cannot even get out of bed. And I have a son to take care of. I NEED HELP.A few days ago an eight year relationship ended for me. The man I was with was married when we began our relationship. It was wrong, I know and believe you me, I have punished myself in all sorts of ways. He left his wife and we were out in the open and free to be together. He separated from her around March of this year and moved in with me in May. We were waiting for his new place to close and he lived with me until then, and when he got the keys to his new place, we moved in, along with my autistic son. We painted his new place, I helped him move, I helped him with so much. The intent was that it was our future. And our place.But I never really felt he was totally committed to me even though he said so. So many little red flags kept coming up. And I was never really able to trust him fully as we began as an affair and I did not know if he was worthy of investing my future in. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I have always loved him and he said he loved me and I was the one. My son really took a liking to him and liked living in his place. My current condo is small and he had a nice big room in my ex boyfriend's apartment. My ex bf cooked meals, and drove my son to and from school with me. It felt like we were a real family but I always had these nagging doubts about him, despite the fact he did many things right. He also had a bad temper and I kept seeing signs that he was keeping his options OPEN. It seems he enjoyed the comfortable life with me but needed some excitement on the side. He told me he never had affairs before and that I turned his head. And that he fell in love with me and his wife was not the right person for him. But it seems he was lying. It seems he had a habit of extra dalliances. And he could not break it. I tried so hard to get him to change, to be a better man. We had big arguments because I caught onto his side dalliances (online at the moment but who knows when they could get physical?) and he would get angry and gas light and blame me and my anxiety. He would never admit he was not happy with me, even though I asked him many times how he was feeling and asked what was going on. My gut feeling was pressing hard. He denied everything and said things were fine. He kept going along with everyday life. And continued to fool me into believing he really loved me. Then one night I woke up in the middle of the night and saw him texting someone. He denied it and told me I was dreaming it. I did not dream anything. I saw him. I fear this has been going on for at least a month now, but I also believe he had this kind of a habit while I was his mistress and continued it now that I became THE WIFE. I feared this would happen. I tried so hard to love this man. To believe in him. I was with him for 8 years of my life. Trying to believe in him. But he did not want me. I think he used me for convenience. So that he was not alone after his married ended. He made me change my life for him, he got close to my son. Now my son will no longer see him and have to adjust to him being out of his life and living with me again. I feel so broken, so distraught. Used. Manipulated. Discarded. I am not sure how to get through this. He left me once in January and I took him back, and now the same thing has happened again. I am in a state of depression. I have so much to do and I cannot function. I am taking anti depressants but I just started them about 2 weeks ago. I don't know what to do. I don't want my son to see me this way. I don't. He was so happy living at my ex's place and now he has to come back to me and my misery. I don't want him to feel sad and see his mommy crying constantly. He doesn't deserve it. I have to be strong and take care of him. He has special needs. But I cannot pick myself up. Please help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (3 October 2021):
 When you posted a few weeks ago - http://www.dearcupid.org/question/are-online-dalliances-with-other-people-meaningless-or.html - I responded that your partner was not a very nice man as he put what he claimed to be "meaningless" on-line flirting ahead of your happiness. You really cannot be surprised that he has now finished the relationship. Selfish people do not consider others in their actions.
You conveniently left out from your first post that you had got together via cheating. Much as I feel for you and your son (and I honestly do), I also have to say that, at your age, you really should know better. They don't say "get then by cheating, lose them to cheating" for nothing. You admit you saw lots of red flags, yet you still clung onto this specimen with all the strength you could muster. Why? He has a bad temper. He is selfish and self centered. He is a cheater (and, hence, a liar). What is so wonderful about him?
Can you gather up enough strength to appear "happy" (or at least not sad) when your son is around and leave your crying for when he is not around?
You need to acknowledge that you made this mess and that you were a very bad judge of character on this occasion. Then you need to forgive yourself (because we all make mistakes), learn the lesson (don't mess with married men), shake yourself down and move on with your life, for your own sake and, more especially, that of your son. Next time around, listen to your gut instinct and don't ignore those red flags waving wildly in your face.
This too will pass. A day at a time. You will get there.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2021): MARK 10:9..."What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
Marriage vows are made before God and witnesses. They are not just words, they are a covenant made between two people who have promised to forsake all others; and hopefully, to establish a bond that is to last a lifetime. These two people are joined as one flesh.
For 8 years, you didn't seem to care how the affair affected his wife emotionally. You don't mention if the man has any children; but if he does, they would probably be in their teens or 20s, 30's at most. If not that old, and he still has school-aged children; they are also emotionally affected (or traumatized) to know how their father brazenly cheated on their mother. I'll venture to speculate that maybe she too must have suffered depression. Most definitely felt deep humiliation, and feelings of betrayal. I would imagine she must not have felt like getting out of bed at times. She's the real victim in this story. Albeit, I can empathize with your feelings of grief and loss. I'm by no-means implying you deserve pain. That would be cruel and very unchristian of me. It would be very self-righteous, and unkind. Please do not take my post in that way. That is not how it is intended.
You are merely paying retribution and reparation for an affair with a known married-man. Don't pretend you're so caught-off guard by the actions of a confirmed philanderer and adulterer. Things have come full-circle, and a partial-price has been paid for the debauchery played upon his wife. Even if she was the wicked witch of the west; she's the one he exchanged vows with. He could have divorced her long before your affair; giving her the time and option to get-on with her life, and to recover from whatever pain she suffered for the loss of her marriage.
Restitution due her was delayed; but it has now come. Meanwhile, she had to endure the humiliating knowledge of another woman having a full-on long-term affair with her husband. Even if she knew the whole time, and turned a blind eye; it must have eaten at her soul.
Let's be real. Come-on now, my dear...what's with all the dramatics? You didn't feel an ounce of guilt or remorse; while you stole another woman's husband. Where was your empathy and solicitude towards her? Do you think your pain supersedes what she must have suffered? She has to face her children (if they have any), her family, colleagues, neighbors, and friends.
You've inadvertently inflicted some pain onto your son; but I'm somewhat certain that was unintentional. That was strictly collateral damage; but if you're in your 50's, your son is at least 10 years of age. That age is pretty resilient; and children do survive separations and divorces. It's easier when it's not their biological-father; or a man who has bonded with them for their entire lives. Yet it's still very painful to be separated; once they've grown emotionally-attached.
He's not as emotionally-invested as you are. I would presume the limitations of his disability may not allow him to react as deeply emotionally-injured as you may be depicting; to add a more dramatic touch to your story. No need to use his emotional state to avert harsh judgement from readers. No aunt or uncle, or any of the readers, should attack you. You've pretty much beaten yourself up; on top of what you've had to experience from being dumped by the cheating-husband.
You merely lost a man you know is a cheat and philanderer. You weren't married to him. His ex-wife lost her marriage, her life was upended, possibly their family was torn apart. All you lost was someone whom you've never should have been with in the first-place. Actually, you've made-out better than she did. Your lease is up on your borrowed lover.
If you believe in God, and actively practice faith and worship. You know God is a merciful and forgiving God. If you are a Christian, in particular, you know that Jesus will bring you comfort and forgiveness just for the asking. If you practice any other type of religious-faith; seek prayer, meditation, and faith-counseling from your religious leadership. The soul requires healing and reparation as much as the mind and body.
You've made a human mistake; thus, you had to undergo the consequences that come with doing what you knew was wrong the whole time.
You need to feel what she felt, while your affair was in-progress; because it will make you more empathetic, and less selfish. God doesn't punish us with malice or cruelty; He brings judgement upon us to teach us, and correct us. It is a divine-deterrent, a reprimand, and a corrective-measure made in His rebuke of your/our bad-behavior. The Lord had to give his wife divine restoration and reparation for her losses and suffering. If you are repentant for what you did, you will receive the same. God's justice isn't to satisfy her humanly vengeance or scorn; rather, it is to let her know she did not suffer or lose her marriage in vain. Not without His concern for her suffering. Even if she wasn't the greatest wife; she is a person, with feelings just like you, him, and me.
It hasn't been that long, just a few days. You'll go through your phases of detachment, realization, grief, anger; and finally, acceptance.
You'll heal and recover. Just pray for son, and yourself; and ask God to help you through this. God places no pre-conditions on a person who extends their prayers for help, or in repentance. He delights in them; and wishes to hear from us. Even if you don't believe there is a God, I can still pray for your solace and comfort. I have no right to condemn anybody for their wrongdoing. I'm just another sinner, and as human as anybody. I just needed to point-out a few things, to change your perspective. Then when, or if, you take this to the Lord; you have the right heart and mind about it. He will forgive you no matter what. He will bring back your strength, peace of mind, and rebuild your life. He will help heal your son as well.
It's painful now, but your peace and strength will return. God be with you, my dear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2021): You say you have an autistic son that needs you etc. but you also say you are aged 51 - 59. How old is your son? He is not a child he is a grown adult? In which case he does not live with you and has a job etc. I know various people with autism and aspergers, many of them are far more intelligent and sensible than people who do not have the conditions. Many of them own and run very successful businesses, so please do not talk about him as if he is some sort of immature loser.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2021): You should have seen this coming - it is obvious to anyone with some sense this would happen eventually. It always does when you are the side piece to a man who lies and cheats,sneaks around and does not respect women.
He did not make you change your life, you chose to.
Stop making out that you were forced into it. Be honest. It was a choice, a very stupid choice but your choice.
You did it because you wanted the big prize of a cheat and a liar being with you full time. Most women would not want a cheat at any price, even if gift wrapped with gold sequins.
I am sure you are hoping he returns and if he does you will over look - conveniently - that he only returns because he has no other options - not because he loves you or cares about you. As for your son, i feel very sorry for him, but you created this situation. Nobody else. You say he is autistic but this often runs in the family and it is clear that you are not very mature or sensible for your age. If you care about your son show him a more grown up and sensible mother in the future.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (1 October 2021):
Deal with it because you didn't care that he was doing the same thing to his wife while he was galivanting with you. My sister has been a mistress for 22 years, 2 kids and is fat and her looks have gone. That is what happens when you have a relationship with a married man. It's only for sex. You mean't nothing to me. Right now you have to accept that this is you taking responsibility for being part of this relationship, suck it up and move on. No one feels sorry for you here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2021): What goes around comes around. You had no sympathy for this man's wife when you were enabling him to lie to her to see you and cheat on her etc. Now you want sympathy from strangers because it has ended. You still fail to see that it was a waste of time in the first place. A woman who is bringing up a child should be even more careful, he might have been a pedeophile, he might have been violent, yet you allowed him into your life with open arms. You are not suffering from depression, you are unhappy, put out, disgraced, angry, rejected, which is not depression, it is the natural result of the behaviour you chose for years. Now you need to grow up and be more mature and more picky and more responsible towards your son and see that it is better to be single than with a bad person.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (29 September 2021):
 Yep, I think you got this portion 100% right.
"I think he used me for convenience. So that he was not alone after his marriage ended."
You KNEW from the GET GO that a married man CAN NOT commit to a side-piece (and you WERE a side piece) but you ignored it. You also ignored that a man who will cheat WITH you CAN/WILL cheat ON you too.
While you were having this affair - you never saw the real him. The manipulative mean person that he is. Or if you did, you shut it down because you WANTED him to BE this amazing man. Well, honey... an AMAZING man doesn't cheat on his wife. what goes around, comes around as they say.
It's a tough lesson you learned. It took you 8 years to learn it. Do you understand now?
It is time for you to focus on yourself and your son. On getting BACK on track. You have WASTED 8 years on a piece of shit man. No more.
Take it ONE day at a time. Do it for your son AND yourself.
I think you should try and journal. Write it all down. Then leave it and come back and read what you wrote and I think over time you will see that YOUR version will change.
YOU made a MAJOR mistake. You "dated" a married man. And then you shacked up with a newly separated (not single nor divorced) man. A man you had let LIE to you for years.
I know it's painful for you. But did you for one single minute think - how this might hurt the wife? EVER?! Well, now YOU know. As you wrote - you are now "the wife" (even if you are NOT the wife at all, as you have ZERO commitment from him. You never had.
CUT all contact with this horrible man. BLOCK, DELETE, and if you need to find a counselor to talk to. You might want to figure out why you thought "dating" a married man in the first place would EVER be OK.
The only two people I feel bad for are his wife and your son.
Now clean up the mess YOU made!
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