A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 27yr female, a doctor in her fellowship in Mexico. I was virgin till I turned 25, I decided to have sex with my then 6month boyfriend who's still withe me (three years now). We are in a steady and serious relationship, even considering marriage now. The problem is, in my pap smear I had this minor lesion obviously suggestive of HPV infection (no big deal, pretty common thing, around 75% of sexually active women eventually get it and most of them clear it in a few years...) For some reason my mom found this printed report in my room. She didn't even now I had become sexually active (or so she says), and she really doesn't know a lot about HPV, excet that its sexually transmitted. You can't even begin to imagine all the horrible things she said to me about me and my boyfriend having sex, about me being some sort of sl*t and now with HPV, how dissapointed she felt, what a terrible person without principles I was, that somehow I'm now tainted for life...horrible, and it went on and on and she's still terribly angry and heart-broken...She's quite conservative as you can see. I cant help feeling guilty and aweful, I dont regard myself as a sl*t, but she now certainly makes me feel like one. Any words, advices or suggestion on how to deal with this will be most appreciated. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 Yes.... the next time - and all subsequent times - that your Mother launches in to her "you're a slut" speech.... listen politely, then say, "Thank you for your opinion, Mama...". Then,... promptly, forget that she ever talked to you.....
WHO is living your life??????
Via con Dios....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): You're a young female doctor in fellowship!!! You held out until you were 25, and it's with a boyfriend who is considering marriage?That's truly a parent's dream! You are intelligent, well-grounded, and make your own choices. Nothing to be ashamed of on any level.Your mother is pious, and only wishes the best for you. She is devout in her beliefs, and most likely Catholic. She is expected to lose it if she finds out her perfect daughter is no longer "pure." She is going to feel she has failed as a mother, heap you with guilt, then calm down.She has limited understanding of your HPV; and will view it as a nasty STD,a sign of promiscuity, and a breech in your beliefs. She doesn't have the benefit of medical training, so you must explain it to her in detail. During her moments of reason. In her mind, you're tainted. That's because she doesn't know any better. That can be easily resolved.It will pass. She's just in shock, because she placed you on a pedestal. A good girl, smart, making excellent grades, strong in her chastity. Now she lost you to womanhood, and it hit her. Anger is just her first reaction. She may be concerned that you are not taking necessary precautions. Being knowledgeable in medicine, you know you should. You should be using condoms.Your mother's very reaction is happening simultaneously around the world every second. The discovery your daughter is no longer a virgin, although she was raised in faith. She feels God is offended. That is a big deal; but she forgets He forgives. She forgets all the blessings that she has seen. She is yielding to self-righteous judgment of her own daughter. Proof that even she, is not perfect.Just remain calm and not take her angry words to heart.She has far too much love to stay angry. Give her time and forgive her. You know she doesn't really mean them. She will never tell you every misdeed she made in her own youth. She will lead you to belief she never missed a step along the way. Pure to the end. You'll never know. When she was a young woman in-love, she did exactly the same. She may never admit that.We are human. We sometimes make mistakes. Just continue showing her your love and respect. She has no choice but to forgive and behave herself. Her faith and motherhood demands it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 Maybe you've bought into your mother's cultural and religious values much more than you believe yourself.
What I mean is, I don't think it's your mother that makes you feel a slut, nobody can MAKE you feel anything that you can't / don't feel- probably the problem was that when you started being sexually active , YOU did it not totally convinced and shame free and proud of your choices.
If when you lost your virginity , you did it thinking rationally that you are an intelligent educated adult woman who has any right to use her body as she sees fit, but emotionally feeling like a bad bad girl which will end in Hell because she is doing something " dirty " - then it's normal that at the first negative comment, the contraddiction inside you explodes and gives you trouble.
What I am saying is, it's not just your mom who believes that good nice responsible girls do not make love before marriage, you must believe it too, at some level.
Otherwise you'd just suppress a laugh and agree to disagree . Same as when , back in the 70's , my grandmother used to say : You know, Mrs. X looks so nice and NORMAL, you'd never tell she is a divorced woman ". Which I found hilarious.
You can't change what your mother thinks and how she sees life and sex, but may be you can change how YOU see them.
If you own your actions and you are sure you are doing the right things, the things that are in tune with your true nature, nobody can make you "feel" you are this thing or that thing etc., ever- I promise you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 November 2013):
 You are 27, you are a DOCTOR and you are dating the man who is your first 3 years later. You are well educated an I'm guessing smart enough to make your OWN choices. EVEN when it comes to sex.
Maybe your mom had some ideal in her head that you would marry a virgin and be perfectly happy for the rest of your life. The thing is, you CAN be happy - VIRGIN OR NOT.
I understand that in some cultures the value of virginity is high then add religion to it as well, where most religion tells us a woman is someone not pure after sex any more.
Honestly at 27 I would say it's just none of her business whether you are sexually active or not. THAT is for you to choose.
And one partner at 27 doesn't make you a slut. Actually I don't think any number of partners makes ANY girl a slut.
I agree that you need to give her some time to process it, but I would tell her to stop with the name calling, IT won't change a thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): You're certainly not a slut. Nor are you the only young Mexican woman who's had sex before marriage. I visited your country a few times and asked why there are so many love motels; I was told that they are for young people exactly in your position who still live at home and the motels are the only place for courting couples to get any privacy, since sex before marriage is a taboo. I'm not sure what else to say except that your mum is a generation 'behind', you're definitely not a slut for having sex in a committed relationship, and you're not the only young woman in your country who's had sex before marriage. You really shouldn't feel guilty nor ashamed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): So what does it make me, I ve had sex with more than 30 men before I married, lol.
Even in a very traditional family these times your mother should realize that the world she lives in changed a long time ago. Your mother is probably my age, because you are couple years older than my daughter. You are a rare find as it is, no one stays virgin anymore till the age of 25.
I can't imagine talking to my grown daughter this way, calling her names and show her so much disrespect. I know it's your mother, but she is wrong here, not you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): It's good to sometimes clear the air and get things out in the open. My dad had to raise me when my mom passed so he had to sort steer me in the right direction. Even in a religious household you are going to make mistakes. Life is like walking a tightrope, anyone can slip. I remained a virgin until I was 23 and I eventually told my dad I was with him, and he said that I was lucky to walk away without getting pregnant. Our parents sometimes may not like the choices we make but they love us and don't want to see us get hurt at any age. You are an adult so don't think that you are bad.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 November 2013):
 You're 27 now. There's a point in time where you forge your own way and make your own choices. To your mom, you're always going to be her "little girl". To someone who's really religiously dogmatic, sometimes the relationship gets lost in the doctrine.
She will have to deal with how she feels, and no, you don't have to take verbal or emotional abuse from her, but step back and be patient while she processes the information.
My husband grew up in a conservative religious home the same as I did, and his brother came out to his parents as gay, which I had known years prior and was the only one trusted with that information. His mom flipped, screamed, cried, had a nervous breakdown, the whole nine yards. It took years to come to grips with it until she now has an uneasy truce with it. She had an epiphany when she realized she loved her son more than she felt aggrieved, for a lack of a better word.
Give your mom time. Don't let her abuse you, but don't react to every tiny thing said either. It's funny, we're their kids, but once in awhile we actually have to be the grown up, right? Firmly, calmly, and gently stay assertive and stick to your guns, and don't get drawn into reacting.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 I have to think that the only really consoling answers you will get will come from other people from highly traditional societies. I’m not one of them.
Your mother should have figured out that you weren’t a completely traditional girl once you decided to become a MD. If she expected you to be a virgin until you married, and you chose to become a medical doctor, then she expected you to be a virgin until you were 30 or so, right? How old was she when she got married – much younger than 30, probably more like 15 in a very traditional society. Have you thought about asking her whether she wanted to be a virgin until age 30?
Look, you’re an adult. More than that, you’re a highly skilled professional. You can let yourself be held back by tradition, by trying to make your unprogressive mother happy, or you can simply move on. Accept that she’s gonna be mad, regardless of what you do, and learn to deal with it. At this point in your life you’ll never make her happy – you’re not a virgin, you’re not married, and nothing is going to make you a virgin bride.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): Oh man, I feel your pain!!!
I'm 23, and I've sex with one person…but somehow my Catholic mom and grandmother made me feel really, really bad about it when they found out. I don't think I deserve to feel this guilty….but I still do. And it sucks.
Honestly…the only way to appease them would be to get engaged…but I am NOT suggesting you do that just to make them happy. Instead, try to remind yourself that you're not a bad person, you didn't do anything wrong, and your family still loves you even though they don't agree with your decision.
Stay strong! I know how hard this is!
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