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male
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anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together 3 years, living together for one. We have good times, we have a healthy relationship in most aspects, but by god there is a problem.She moans and whinges and goes hysterical on a fairly regular basis.For example, she complains about her job. She has complained about all her jobs. She tells me that they are all super stressful, that she doesn't have the hours in the day to get things done and that they make her miserable. So far as I can see the only common factor in all her jobs, is her. She panics easily and gets stressed easily. Because I don't make a big deal out of her problems, she accuses me of lacking empathy. This is quite possibly true. I just think that she needs to knuckle down and get on with it, all jobs have good and bad bits and moaning and whinging is only making her (more) down and bringing me with it. I do lack empathy for this. So there, I've said it. Maybe I'm the bad person here.My question is... Can it go on like this? I'm sick to the back teeth of hearing about her problems and it's getting to the point where I dread her coming in from work because she'll be in a foul mood and then I'll do something wrong. Bear in mind that I've also been working all day and done the chores and sorted out dinner. I've tried to gently suggest that maybe some sort of counselling to help her manage her stress might be really useful but I may as well have suggested she drown kittens. It's almost like she wants me to think she's got the worst job in the world and that she gains satisfaction with it. When I tell her how my day was, she says "WELL ITS ALRIGHT FOR SOME ISN'T IT???" and looks at me like I'm a piece of dirt. Bear in mind here that we're financially secure and frankly she could choose whatever job she wanted without having to worry about the money.The other issue (probably linked) is that sometimes she just goes bonkers over no problem. Like one time we were on holiday, we wanted to go to the beach. I said at the hotel that I was changing into my swimmies and asked her if she was swimming. She said "no", that she was happy paddling and didn't fancy a swim. Well, when we got to the beach and I said I was going for a dip, she went mental. Proper bona-fide mental. She was screaming at me, asking why I did't tell her to take her swimsuit, she was bawling, jumping up and down and actually said at one point "I feel like killing someone". I mean she just went totally hysterical. All over not having swimmies. I said if she wanted them, all she needed to do was buy some from a shop. We were at the beach and they sold them everywhere. Anyway it was totally shameful and people were staring at us - as you would if this was happening.Is this normal?Can we go on like this?It's starting to drain me and I'm starting to wonder if I'm more happy when we're apart and less happy when we're together. I start to dread going on holidays because I know there will be "problems" and I've almost given up asking her how her day was because it'll just be fucking miserable for us both. Sometimes the crazy episodes come every couple of weeks, sometimes closer, sometimes further apart. But the job misery and the "poor me" stuff is pretty much ongoing.Any advice?
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female
reader, Beaniepants  +, writes (10 February 2012):
 Wow, the beach tantrum is unreal. I feel so sorry for you about that...I don't think you lack empathy. You seem like a cool and caring guy. I'm sure if something real and sad happened you would be caring and comforting. It's just that she's making such huge events out of petty stuff- or stuff she won't change. I agree with other posters, she *likes* this. It is her stress reliever- but it's obviously killing you. She' like an emotional vampire.If you want to salvage anything you need to lay it out straight. Tell her what you said about being happier when she's not with you. Don't back down from what you said in your post. Let her have her tantrum, don't fuss with her, hopefully she'll chew on it later. If she doesn't want to lose you, she'll take real steps to change. If not...well there's no ring on your finger. No kids even...if nothing changes you need to walk. For your own sanity. Yu seem like the kind of guy that could find a cool, happy waaay less complicated girl than your gf. Don't waste years, you'll regret it.Best of luck to you :o)
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 February 2012):
 You've been together three years. I wonder if she's been like that the whole time, but now your feelings for her have receded to the point where her faults are becoming a more stark reality.
For you to use the words "moan" and "whine" and "goes hysterical" and "mental" makes me think that you've already checked out of your relationship, therefore I do not suggest counseling, nor do I suggest retraining.
As for her, She is what I call toxic. Not mental, toxic. In this case, she's using YOU to make her feel better, as in draining you as a crutch. That's why you're feeling drained. She wants constant attention, is unbelievably negative, and flies off the handle blaming you for things that aren't your fault. She has learned that tantrums work with the whole "I feel like killing someone" comment.
I think you've gotta make a break. Sounds like you've tried to get her to see how she's making you feel, and it's starting to become an unhealthy situation for you. Add to that you've fallen enough out of love to start objectively seeing her as she is. This is why you're coming to the conclusion that she wouldn't make a good mother of your kids.
It's funny -- when kids are little toddlers, one of the best things we can lovingly teach them is how to self-soothe. In your girlfriend's case, she's using YOU to soothe by dumping negativity all over you, verbally abusing you, and pretty much dragging you down and expecting you to bring her up. Just doesn't happen that way.
I say make the break from her before kids enter the mix. I doubt she will change, as negativity has been her life. I would also evaluate what attracts you to people, so as next time, you can fall in love with an optimist. Keep in mind that having a relationship means that we are a shoulder that our partners can cry on, but the key is reciprocity and a good attitude. She has no good attitude. She has a nasty one about her job, and she has a nasty one about you. You've already tried to talk about it, and you're not married, so I think counseling isn't the best way to go.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 February 2012):
 Of course a solution to her problems makes her mad... Because she likes having her problems and moaning about it. It's this bad habit she's got. Or at least we can hope it is a habit, because habits can be changed.
Have you tried telling her what you've told us? That when you think of a future with her you see nothing but problems because of the way she behaves? That you wonder if you are happier apart than together, that you dread when she comes home from work because there might be yet another "problem". That you dread going on holiday with her because there will be problems? That you can not see a future with her with the behaviour she currently shows?
She needs to take a look in the mirror and face the facts, she is draining you and slowly killing the relationship. It might already be too late, because you're at your wits end. She needs a wake-up call. And she needs to learn better ways of communication, because all the complaining and all the tantrums is just signs of her lacking ways to communicate. She needs to learn, and the best way is with a therapist or psychologist. She missed a vital part of communication when growing up, and she now needs to learn on her own that adults do not throw tantrums or cause scenes, certainly not over petty issues like not having a swimsuit.
Your girlfriend does need help... but not with stress managing. She needs help on how to control herself and behave and express herself in HEALTHY ways that will not destroy her relationships. Complaining about your job when something happened is one thing, what your girlfriend is doing is taking it to a different level.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers so far everyone. Appreciated. I guess that I know what you're saying is true.
She's in her late 20s, I'm in my early 30s.
What frightens me, yes, frightens is the word, is that at some point we want kids and in my heart of hearts I just KNOW what it will be like. There will be problems. The kids will be misbehaving. I won't understand what it's like for her. I just KNOW it. Everything will be very serious and problematic. It sounds awful to say that, but I've seen this over so many years I can longer visualise her changing :(
I like to play things with a light touch but by god I'm struggling with this.
Chigirl, you've hit this spot on because when she complains I try to analyse the problem, look for solutions, try to rationalise things and figure out a way forward... And you know what? It makes her MORE mad. It really is quite impossible to deal with. Quite impossible.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (9 February 2012):
 She DOES need counselling. Her behaviour is bordering on the neurotic, if not worse, and will not get better unless treated. She is blaming anyone and everything (you, her job, life, the Universe - everything) for her own short-comings.
As for your future together; do you see her getting any better? Do you want to marry into this?
The decision is yours......
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 February 2012):
 Your G/f has become too comfortable in the relationship and she's taken you for granted. She doesn't give a damn about what you think, its all about her. Her day, her life, her whims, her fancies, her mood swings. You need to put your foot down OP, or this will just get worse. The tantrums are a way of telling you that if you dont toe the line, she will create such a scene, that the next time you bloody well think twice before doing anything that she might not like.
Its difficult dealing with such a person, draining to say the very least. You can try talking to her and explaining that this cannot continue. You too have a limit to your patience and there is only so much that you can take. She can change if she wants, but the question is, does she even think there is a problem and does she want to change? You havent mentioned how old both of you are, maybe her age can give us a better insight. Its more difficult for an older person to mend their ways. In all likelihood the problem will never completely disappear. She might tone it down a bit, but completely stop, no way.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 February 2012):
 I would suggest you find a really good couples counselor who specialize in communication if you intend on staying with this girl.
I listen to my hubby moan about work, he listen to me, we get it out and move on. Sometimes it's more of a bouncing ideas of each other then actual "moaning about it". We both have very different approaches to conflict solution. It however, never feels like it's an endless "pity party" that.. would drive me up the wall and climbing the ceiling.
Honestly, I would love to tell your GF to go find her big girl panties and put them on! She needs to figure out what KIND of job might make her happy and go for it. Maybe going back to school would make her happy, taking some classes or have a hobby. The thing is with your GF, she seems to LIKE being miserable, and in turn make people around her miserable and that sucks.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 February 2012):
I don't think it's a lack of empathy. It' a lack of respect for her problems. I wouldn't respect her problems either, to be honest. I don't see her job as anything to whine and complain about. Really, it gets tiresome to have to listen to someone complain about the same thing for 3 years when it so obviously is just her getting easily stressed out or not managing her own issues. Why should her problems always be your problems? I'd tell her to either quit her job and find something she enjoys doing or stop complaining about it.
I had a boyfriend who was always complaining about his job as well, and each time I just told him to get himself a new job then. That would end the conversation. Don't complain to me about the same old same old.
I don't think this is bad of you at all. I think it's a bad habit she's got. Just set her straight and tell her that you don't sympathize with her, nor do you think he "problem" is a real problem. That's not to say you don't love her or want her to be happy, but that in this particular case you don't see eye to eye. She needs to respect that and stop trying to make you listen to her endless complaints. If she complains she needs to DEAL with it, not talk your ear off.
Your girlfriends tantrum at the beach is normal for a 4 year old.
I understand why you feel drained. Your girlfriend might be a lovely person, and I think that if you've stuck to it for 3 years there are things here that might be worth to salvage. But you need to put your foot down, because she is draining you. She is draining your energy, mostly it seems to get attention to herself. She feels of high importance. She wants to be the center of things. And she hasn't learned to deal with NOT being at the center of attention. Which causes the hysteria when she finds out she isn't all THAT important (you being capable of living and breathing, and go swimming, without her by your side...).
The "poor me" stuff IS to get attention. All the problems are there for her to get attention, to be comforted, to drain energy out of others.
You need to stop enabling this sort of childish behaviour. As long as you allow it she'll continue. If this is chronological there's nothing you can do. But if this is learned behaviour and she's an intelligent person able to see her weaknesses and strengths, she might change.
Here's what you do. Put your foot down. Next time she comes home and want to nag about her work, tell her no. You don't want to listen to it. Don't cause an argument, just STAY CALM and tell her no, like a strict parent would. Tell her you listen to her complain about the same thing, and you do not want to listen to it any longer. If she needs actual help with something, then she can come see you. But you will no longer be available for venting sessions. If she is unhappy about her job then it is HER responsibility to DO something about it. When she fails to take active steps to improve her situation it can only mean that she WANTS to be in the situation she is in. As such you do not want to listen to her complain about a situation she chose herself.
She'll throw a tantrum at this point. Stay calm at all times, do not put your hands on her to "calm her down" or anything. Just let her rage on without you joining in. Be passive. The tantrums are to provoke you into reaction, so she can get attention. Ignore the tantrums rather than reward them with attention. Reward her with attention at the times where you see she is making an effort. Don't try to punish her, play fair... understand that you always have the upper hand in these situations, which is why she throws tantrums. A tantrum is the 4 year old response when you lack other more mature ways to communicate. Try to teach her how to communicate her disappointment instead.
Although, I must say, I wouldn't judge you if you aren't up for this training. It'll take years. The other option is to put an effective stop on the complains, walk away when she throws tantrums, and encourage her to seek therapy for her inability to control her emotions.
But whatever you do, BE FIRM. If she acts like a child then one of you need to be the adult, so stay firm and calm and show her that you mean business.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): If you've mentioned this to your girlfriend before, and nothing has changed... and you've suggested counselling and she doesn't want to go, then perhaps your statement:
"I'm starting to wonder if I'm more happy when we're apart and less happy when we're together" will spark immediate action from her?
She may have unresolved issues in other spheres of her life, and is using the job complaints as an opportunity to vent her frustrations, fears and anxieties. It may also be a time where she gets some attention? The fact that ALL the jobs according to her are miserable, may be an indicator of this.
She may indeed stress or panic easily, so perhaps that is definitely something that needs addressing. She could attend a "Time Management" course to balance all her tasks at work, and every aspect of her life. She could also attend an Emotional intelligence training course (the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself). Those two should make a difference.
Counselling would address any other issues, to restore her balance, peace and tranquility. Perhaps a visit to the GP to ensure her PMS, hormones, thyroid and any other health matters are managed/controlled, as those play havoc with emotions as well, which could explain the hysterical behaviour every couple of weeks.
You're not a bad person for feeling fed up with having to absorb the negative complaints on a daily basis of work, which also impacts home life when she takes it out on you.
So you definitely need to have a heart to heart with her, where you share how it makes you feel too, and that there actually isn't balance because she doesn't care about YOUR day, and things need to change or you don't see it going on as it is. She needs to take ownership for her behaviour and actions, and not take you or the relationship for granted.
For the sake of the 3 years invested, the fact that it's a healthy relationship in most aspects, it's worth your while communicating how you feel, aiming for the changes, and helping her achieve her goals and desires so that she will be happier, which in turn makes you both happy :)
Hope this helps, and all the best!
xxxx E
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (9 February 2012):
 Hmmmm, maybe just tell her straight? Talk to her and explain that the 'outbursts of crazy' are making you feel miserable.
Everybody moans, you can't stop that from happening. Try suggesting the counselling again, offer to go with her for moral support. Just tell her how you feel.
You obviously love her very much, otherwise you wouldn't have tried to sort it in the first place. But you're right, things can't go on like this, so make the effort to try and change it. But also be prepared, because this is something she has to change because she wants to, and she may not be ready to change her ways.
All the best to you and your girlfriend :)
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