A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know this is a long post, but I am desperately searching for some advice.I started dating a guy back in March. I had known him for about 5 years, and also knew that he was married. He had flirted with me before, but I always kept my distance because he was married. Over last Christmas holiday we met for coffee and he told me that his wife had left him and moved back to her home country (she is from Colombia). I always knew they had marital problems, and he seemed relieved that she had left. So, in March we began dating.He is 18 years older than me, but we had a great relationship. He was always very attentive, great sense of humor, and was incredibly easy to talk to. We connected on many levels. Over the summer we spent extensive time together. It was a genuine companionship. Obviously, I fell in love with him. And he told me he was in love with me as well. He was still living in his house by himself, and he asked me if I would ever consider moving in. Since I am currently finishing up grad school, I told I would be able to move in with him after I graduated.Then in October I got the most horrific phone call. His wife! She was back from Colombia and screamed at me in Spanglish that I had "stolen her husband" and that I was "going to pay." I was confused and a bit angry myself. I got a hold of what I had always assumed was my "boyfriend" and he told me that she had come back home and demanded they enter therapy and "he was going back to his family" and that "we had to be over forever". He told me to pretend like he never existed. I hung up on him. It's been three weeks since I spoke with him. I know I should just move on, I've read thousands of articles, but--I'm still torn. I was so invested! Now I'm to turn all of that love off? I am in so much pain. Should I try to contact him?Any advice, or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated! Thanks
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female
reader, Miss Potter  +, writes (3 November 2008):
 Hi!
Yes, I would advice to move on, is there anything else that you can do? Probably not...
I dont think there is much sense in contacting him either, wouldnt change a bit. If their marriage is recovering then you interfering wont do any good.
I am startled that he hasnt told you first that hes wife has returned, thats not very nice that she has contacted you first.
They have been married for a while and only now they will be trying therapy, most probably it was his wife that decided that she doesnt want to spend the rest of her life in Colombia so decided to come back and demanded therapy. Maybe they dont have a prenup, and the husband is scared to lose half of his assets to this wild cat, who knows?
Anyway, although you got on well, he is much older than you and sounds like his wife wont get off his back that easily, do you need all this hassle?
Best of luck x
A
female
reader, babomi  +, writes (3 November 2008):
 so, he s under the influence of a very high tempered woman, who comes and goes ...
first, what he feels for you ? was it real?
second, what is the level of involvement between the 2, is there money, a house, kids, that ties them together and that puts him under her influence? is she a terrorizing sociopath?
third, is it worth it for you? don t you want to start over with a younger guy with a bit more strength of character? who ll defend you? do you want to be involved in this ugly mess?
if you still want him (although you ve to be awarethat this guy is actually a follower and he s not too brave to stand for what he wants) ... pack your guns and go fight
don t let her put you on the side because she speaks spanglish, you ll have to start the offensive, he likes you more, you have a much better relationship, stand up for it
but is it worth it?
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (3 November 2008):
 Hmmmm, you have to ask yourself this one question: If his wife had truly "left him" to the point that he was seeing you so much, he actually asked you to move into their home -- Why did he not file for divorce and make it final?....Yes, you are probably wondering why you didn't ask that question before now too. Probably could've saved yourself alot of grief. But what's done is done. For all you know, she was in another country working or handling an ailing family member and he saw it as an opportunity to "play". And for the record, if he and his was had truly split up, he would've never let her just waltz back into the picture and kick you to the curb. Alas my dear, you learned his dirty little secret. He's dishonest. No matter how hard it will be for you, please move on and do not contact him. You never know how crazy his wife might be. You'd be wise to learn from this lesson and never look back. I wish you the best.
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