A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HelloI am going out of my head and just need advice. I have been with my husband for over 18 years, no children. The last few years have been the worst of my life and I just feel completely and utterly trapped and alone.My husband and I have been living separate lives the past 4 years, separate bedrooms, everything. That is fine by me, as I have no feelings of love for him at all. He has all but destroyed me; by the way he treats me. He treats me like his verbal punch bag; he hit me a long time ago, but not since. Because of that I am very wary of him and can’t relax around him. He is emotionally abusive, and turns what he has done wrong around to something I did??? I only relax and become myself when either he is away, or I am away from him. It has now got to the point that I just want to give up everything and walk. Therein lays the problem! I don’t see why I should? I am local to the area, all my friends and family are here, but all his are hundreds of miles away, from where he came from. He will not leave, as I am his meal ticket really, as again he is out of work. So the Bills and mortgage will fall to me to pay again. I have plenty of friends around me, but I am such a private person, I have never felt comfortable burdening people with my problems. Plus I think I have worn them out in so far as I have had ongoing health issues the past 2 years and I lost my mum last year. So they have done more than their share of supporting me then. I have only opened up to one of my friends and told them most of what I feel, but even then I hold back. But now I even feel that they have had enough, so try to keep things even more to myself. They have their own family and issues, so the last thing they need is me going on and on. Sure they say the right things, but deep down I know they don’t mean it. Not only that, I don’t feel comfortable badmouthing him, I prefer other people to make their own minds up. Some see through his act for them and some don’t. Trouble is, most people don’t like him, never have. So the attitude I get is told you so, or I don’t like him anyway, which really doesn’t help me. I need to get out and move on, but I can’t. Every ounce of confidence has almost gone. I feel more alone now than I have ever done in my life. At this point in time, I can’t afford to move out and start somewhere else, so my only option is to find a new job in the hope I get a salary raise to afford to do this.So because of one man, I will have to give up absolutely everything just to save my sanity. One of my friends keeps saying there is the right man out there for me, but that is the last of my worries right now. Quite honestly I don’t think I have anything to offer a man anymore. I am fat, ugly and really don’t have a lot going for me. All I want is to love someone, and be loved back. I have a lot to give the right person. But I feel he has damaged me beyond words. I feel lonely; how someone with so many friends about can feel lonely I don’t know? But I do. I feel Isolated. I want to move on at work, but I can’t, as I don’t know if I will still be there? Not only that, the little support I have at home, I have even less at work. I can’t turn to my family, as I lost my mum last year, my dad is ill with Parkinson’s and my sister has her own problems.The sad thing is, I wanted a child, but I don’t want a child with him, as I don’t want to be tied to this man for the rest of my life.I am normally the one who doesn’t take life serious, who doesn’t give a rats about anything. I am normally happy go lucky, but I feel as though I have gone AWOL. I have spoken to my GP several times, who assures me I am not depressed. So I don’t know why I feel the way I do? I guess I just feel that life is passing me by.
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at work, confidence, depressed, emotionally abusive, move on, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): After reading your post, I can't help but wonder what keeps you in this abusive relationship. You don't have children together and you are the bread winner paying the mortgage. To me, it sounds like you really don't need him or have anything holding you there.
Beyond the obvious, it is also clear that you suffer from very poor self esteem. Shame on you that you don't value yourself at all and put so much emphasis on being fat and ugly. If that is all you value in life, you will always feel less about yourself.
Now about the part that you claim he destroyed you. No one can destroy you unless you let them. Why do you give anyone that much power over you. It sounds like you need to pick up your life and make some changes. After agonizing over my marriage for quite some time, I woke up one day and realized that, had I put the energy into myself that I had into my troubled marriage, imagine the possibilities. Eight years later I graduated college validictorian; a goal I had set for myself. Put your energy into yourself and be all that you are. No one...NO ONE, other than you, should have that much power over your happiness...NO ONE! Wake up tomorrow morning and start planning your life.
G
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): then OP, i need to be corrected- apologies for misinterprting your second last post.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your responses, it helps to know I am not alone out there!
However to "A female reader, anonymous" Who wrote "are you saying that you do not want to downgrade from your present lavish life?so your hb is so bad, but you have no qualms about using his finances in the meanwhile. the old saying then "you deserve what you tolerate" has never been truer. strange how we complain all the time about the man yet do not even bat any eye when it comes to abusing a mans finances."
That is actually where you a so wrong! I said he is out of work again, so stuff will fall to me to pay it all again. Which should have alerted you to the fact that I already have been paying more than my share, and I do not get a single penny from that man, never have done, never will.
I think you will find it is actually the other way around and it is HE who is abusing mine! This is why I am now so financially stuck. I have no money for a divorce, no money to move, nothing. All I have is to pay the mortgage, bills and food, that is about it. That will still be the same wherever I go. That is why I am feeling trapped whichever way I turn.
Forevah Britt - Thanks for your understanding and recognition of the fact that I am teetering and not yet ready to fall one way or another.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): i may seem hard but.........are you saying that you do not want to downgrade from your present lavish life?so your hb is so bad, but you have no qualms about using his finances in the meanwhile. the old saying then "you deserve what you tolerate" has never been truer. strange how we complain all the time about the man yet do not even bat any eye when it comes to abusing a mans finances.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to the people who have already taken trouble to reply. Some have, I felt, been a bit harsh. I guess the truth hurts.
It so easy saying if you feel that bad leave. But being stuck here, it is not that easy. Not easy to give up my life, work, family & freinds because of him. That is exactly what it will boil down to.
As the area I live in is so expensive, the only real option open to me is to move somewhere a lot cheaper, and that will mean moving well out of the area. Which will only serve to make my sense of Isolation more acute.
That is the only thing keeping me here is the devil you know and the people I have around me. But I know if I stay it will only get worse. So I will have to bide my time even more than I have already, seeing as frustration has set in.
I guess at the moment the best thing I can do is start to work on my confidence, as whilst that is so crushed I will get nowhere.
I guess at the moment I feel resentful to him that I am being the one forced to move out and away from everything. I was the one born, bred and raised here, not him. But I just know there is no way I can afford financially to buy or rent here right now. So I will just have to get a bit stronger and go.
Thanks for your help so far
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): you need to want your sanity, safely/life back badly enough to make the break. you need to have a constructive plan. write down the pros and cons. be clinical about it. then oce a decision is made, just do it. you will have bad days, some good, some even worse than before, but i the end it will be worth your freedom.
you need to want it badly to make the decision..........
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (8 August 2009):
 I can tell that you have been through a lot of abuse and anguish and that it is very hard for you to think about leaving. Verbal abuse can do a real number on your self-esteem and I'd bet that some days you think you have none left. But you may surprise yourself.
Try your friends again. They may have more patience than you think. Sure, you have leaned on them, but this is something new, a serious undertaking that *will* change your life for the better. Even if they start with "I told you so", it will go on from there and you will be amazed by the support you get. It takes time though. And you know what, there is nothing wrong with you at all.
I'll say it again. There is nothing wrong with you at all.
You are not alone. As you said, you have friends and you have people on this site who have gone through the same experiences you had. You are not damaged, you are temporarily hurting but once you are in a comfortable, safe and supportive place you will recover. You deserve to be happy, to be loved, to be safe and sound. You are neither too fat not too old to make a change in your life. No one ever is.
I believe that you will make the change in your life. In fact, I would bet money that you can leave him and start making a real life for yourself. Yes, it's scary at first, but once you take the first step things will improve. A year from now you won't believe how much better your life is. Please don't beat yourself up about things if they don't work out right away though. We all make mistakes, and it's okay.
I don't think you're depressed either; I think that you're sad because you're going through a life crisis. Once you make the change, I bet the dark clouds will lift and you'll feel better.
I think that counseling will be of great benefit to you, and I wish you the best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): You've come to realize that your relationship is dead and now you do not want to accept the failure of your past choices. Well, you have to and time isn't slowing down for you. So ditch him, separate your belongings and move on. All your b*tching want do a thing until you take that first step on the road to your new life with your self alone and looking forward to a new beginning.JUST DO IT! "Why not go out on a limb? That's where the fruit is." - -- Will Rogers
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A
female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (8 August 2009):
I feel for your situation a little bit. You cannot keep blaming your husband for your life being miserable. You don't have children with this man so you have no excuse to stay especially no freaking 18 years. Why do you not have enough self esteem to say to yourself I deserve better. You better wake up and get going and stop coming up with petty excuses as to why you can't or shouldn't. You claim you don't want to bad mouth him who say's you have to do that but it is not bad mouthing him to tell the truth. You claim your friends say they will help you but they really don't mean it well if you find this to be true then why are you friends with them. You some serious therapy because this makes no sense to me. It sounds like a case of you putting yourself down more that anyone is doing to you. Life is short wake up girlfriend and stop making excuses and trust your friends.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (8 August 2009):
 You poor girl. You sound like a wonderful and very British woman!
Don't under estimate your friends. You are right that no one particularly want to listen to ongoing moaning about somebody else's marriage but if you make it clear that you are at a crisis point and that you are going to take action and that you need help then you will be surprised at how friends will support you.
Obviously you need to divorce this man and rebuild your life. Start documenting his behavior - make details notes, make audio recordings or even video recordings (so easy to do covertly these days) so that it is not just your word against his. Get a good lawyer - maybe a female lawyer and have them help you prepare.
Take your time to prepare. Do all that you can to reduce the damage that he can do to you when you drop the bomb on him. Gradually reduce cash and investments in joint accounts, move cash in to new accounts that he is not aware of. Gradually take personal items of value to you and put them out of harms way. Make sure that your passport and other key documents are safe. Move a supply of clothes, toiletries, medicines and key personal items to a backup location (parents' house, friends house?). Join a gym and treat yourself to a nice looking personal trainer - you may not be able to afford it but you sound as if you deserve it. Run down supplies of food in the house so that if you need to walk out he doesn't have a house full of food. Stop paying the subs for the satellite TV. Even think about having your key post (bank statements etc) diverted to another address. Forget to pay any bills that are personal to him: his mobile phone bill for example. Cancel some of his credit cards. If you can do so without him realising you might like to also quietly relocate some of his stuff - I'm not suggesting that you "steal" things of value but it might so happen that his underpants and a few other key items of clothes don't return from the washing so that he is in short supply.
Once you have prepared as well as you can, go away for a few days and serve him with divorce papers. As soon as he is at war with you he is going to find that he is short of money, short of food, short of underpants, can't find his key documents, his mobile doesn't work etc.
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A
female
reader, Confused and lonely +, writes (7 August 2009):
Sometimes you have to walk away without thinking of all the "how's and what ifs" walk first then figure things out later because it will all work out somehow and you will be glad you did. You will start realizing that you love yourself more than you knew! The world will not fall apart you will find out.
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