A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I promise it's a quick read, if a bit long!This is a two part question:Part 1:My parents are asking me to pay for bills now that I just graduated and got a job (I make $25,000 as a receptionist). I would be okay with that but 1) My family is rich and doesn't need the money(Dad is an executive of a multi-billion dollar company and makes 6 digits) 2) My stay-at-home Mom buys herself things from Burberry (Who wants to give their hard-earned money to fund that habit?) 3) The living situation isn't even that great to begin with... Lots of disagreements among family members. I wish they would let me stay without paying bills so I could pay off my student loan, credit card, and put some money into my savings.Question Number 1: To pay for bills and live at home, or not to pay for bills and live at home, or not to pay for bills and live elsewhere?Part Two:If I choose not to live with my family, my boyfriend (25 years old, 3 years older than me) has been asking me to move in with him. Often. I don't know if he wants me to move in so he saves money on rent, so he has easy access to sex, so I'm always around (probably all three). I am worried, though, that moving in with a boyfriend or girlfriend often makes the relationship lose its spark - because he/she is always there. My cousin lived with her boyfriend for 5 years, told him she wanted to get married, and he told her "he loved her but he wasn't in love with her". After all of those years! And Millionaire Matchmaker always advises against it. And aren't I too young to be settling down like that with one guy? Even though we've been together for coming up on 2 years? (And sub question: I still have crushes on other guys, although I can't imagine myself without my current boyfriend. Is that even normal?!)Question Number 2: What should I do?! Please help!
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 December 2011):
I live at home and I'm your age. I pull my own weight in the household money wise but it's definitely cheaper than living on your own. I found that out when I was 19 and eager to spread my own wings and get out. I ended up with very little money left to pay for everything working the same job you do.
As for your parents, they just want to teach you independence. They indulge in expensive things because they have their life set up in such a way that they can afford to do so. You are just starting out. Spoiling you by paying for all your expenses teaches you nothing, therefore making the move out when it happens all the more bitter because then you really find out how expensive living is.
That said, I don't have a boyfriend right now. If I did have one and he asked me to move in with him, I would. Like others have explained, it's the next step in a relationship. Moving in together will test wether you two are really compatible, without the strings or pressure of marriage. But you have to really give it a shot. Right now you sound like you're not sure how much you love him. Figure that out first before you decide.
HOWEVER, if you decide to do this you have to make very firm agreements with your bf about the finances and who does what. If you don't do that or aren't thorough, misunderstandings can ruin everything you've built so far. Because it's his place, he has the upper hand so to speak. Neutralize that through good arrangements you both agree with so no-one ends up bitter in the long run.
And about relationships losing it's spark: if you're referring to that butterfly feeling in your stomach when you two first hooked up, then yes, that will diminish over time. But it will (hopefully) be replaced by something much deeper and meaningful, which is true caring. Also, you can keep the relationship fresh by doing fresh things:
- Keep dressing up for him. Many girls make the mistake of settling in their comfy yoga pants-messy bun-no makeup routine at home, while only taking care of their appearance when they go out or to work. Your bf deserves your best look, not some stranger on the street.
- Keep going out to interesting places. To dinner, outdoors, little holiday, etc. Whenever you feel you guys have settled into a routine, shake it up and go somewhere else entirely, whether it's skydiving or that weird restaurant.
- Keep putting effort in your sex life. Buy sultry lingerie once in a while, don't settle for standard sex, but try new things and keep listening to each other to see what you like.
Of course, all the above (except the sultry lingerie ;-) ) applies to your bf as well.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (15 December 2011):
FIRST of all you need to stop talking and thinking in airy fairy ABSTRACT terms and look at the HARD NUMBERS.1] What is your actual take home pay after any deductions ? 2] What sum per month are your parents requesting you to pay ? [ I'm guessing it's nominal compared to what a fair share of all utilities and rental and food would be ] .3] What actual sum per month would be your half share of all the outgoings / charges / utilities / rents / whatever which your bf pays out at the moment ? I suspect it's a fair guess that in practice it would be a whole lot cheaper to stay with your folks and in the apparent absence of any desperate desire to live with the bf I would stick with that option; at least until you're earning a whole lot more and can truly afford your own place, whether alone or shared.Plenty of recent graduates move into their own places full of hope and with little knowledge of just how expensive it is to maintain an apartment....... and end up running home to Mom and Dad. Less embarrassing never to leave till you have debts paid and can truly afford your own place.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): move into your own flat? that way you have independance and if you get lots of flatmates you can live pretty cheaply while you are saving up. you are between the age 22-25? it is TIME TO LEAVE HOME. no 22 year old should be living with their parents.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 December 2011):
 Here's some opinion and choices:1. Your folks are asking you to pay because they want you to "learn" that, in the "real world" people have to pay their own way. IF you stay with them, then you will have to face that....2. Moving together in to an address which is "his" address, gives HIM all the power in your romantic relationship. THAT is the fly in that ointment. As well, you infer that you will have to pay your portion of expenses, anyhow.... so consider how that will compare with what you will have to pay to your folks....There IS, of course, a THIRD arrangement that you can consider.... and that is to take your OWN address.... with a compatible (read: woman) roommate... and you and she can share an address.....I don't think any of your choices is categorically "bad"..but will be as "good" or "bad" as you make it....Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 December 2011):
 I will also echo, that it doesn't matter how much your parents make, you are a grown up, start acting like one.
That would mean paying your way. Rent, food, utilities.
I lived with my first BF from 19 to 24 - paying half ( sometimes more) depending on our combined income. All while working 2 jobs and going to college. We never really lost the spark, but I think we just wasn't meant to be in the long run.
You BF may not be the "one", but living together might teach you a little about responsibilities and about yourself. I am however a big advocate for young people trying to make it on their own.
I honestly couldn't care what a Millionaire Matchmaker suggests. They cater to a VERY small clientele of VERY wealthy people who WANTS a wife/husband. You are still 22 so marriage might not be your top priority right now.
Having a crush is nothing major or uncommon even for people in a relationship, you haven't died, you are just being monogamous. However, if you feel that way constantly, I'm think there is something lacking in your relationship already.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 December 2011):
 Question 1, I don't care how rich your family is, when you are an adult you support yourself if you want to be respected by others. Your parents asking you to pay for staying there is 100 percent appropriate, and what they choose to do with THEIR income is up to them and not the tenant to decide. And yes, as of now, you are not just a daughter, you are an adult and expected to pay for your housing. There or somewhere else, that's up to you to decide, but don't think you are justified to stay for free. If your parents let you stay for free they are spoiling you. If you don't like living at home I think a life in the real world, paying real rent, would do you good.
Question 2: if you think your boyfriend only wants you to live with him so he has an easier access to sex then I don't think you have a very good relationship. What makes you think it is all about the sex? Is your relationship just about sex? Is this a FWB arrangement you have rather than a relationship? If not then no of course he doesn't want you there just to have sex with you...
Yes, he'll probably save money on rent, I don't see why thats a negative. You'll be saving money too. Alternatively you move to a bigger place together and both pay more.
Millionaire Matchmaker deals with people who can't get a boyfriend or girlfriend on their own. And TV is TV, NOT real life. Aren't you too young to be "settling down" with a guy? Didn't know that living together meant settling down, but if thats how you feel then NO, don't move in with him, you obviously do not want to take that step just yet. Tell him that. And then move out and get your own place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): I am most positive that Dad didn't make his multi millions by letting others use him so they can make their millions.Riiiight.Paying rent, no matter what income your parents make, is a very fair thing to ask. Parents that over indulge their children set their children up for failure.Your Parents have it right in teaching you a life lesson. Anywhere else you go won't be free.Its not your business what they do with the money.Your business is to work, pay off student loan, pay rent to parents, date the BF and keep your wandering eyes and crushes on a leash. It may be normal to a degree to be curious but then shut such thoughts down. Monogamy, fidelity is also living so in thought and deed. Be a master over your body and mind and not your body and mind master over you.You have a lot of resentments towards the people in your life and come across self entitled. You need some lessons in humility.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): 1. It doesn't matter how much your parents earn they've been paying your way since childhood, you're an adult now and it's their house, if they want you to pay then that's fair. It's what I did as soon as I started working.
2. Moving in with your partner can do all those things you said but it can also be the best thing ever. Remember you too have easy access to sex, a person who will be there for you in an instant when you need him and you can start to share your life properly, you get to split the bills, you get to come home to a loving environment and complete support, it becomes something to look forward to especially if you've had a bad day. It doesn't lose it's spark OP it becomes a very comfortable loving routine that if you make the effort can be broken up with your life outside, jobs etc so you're not together 24/7. You can have girls nights out, your own hobbies, and even have a date night between the two of you. It's not only workable but it is the next ligcal step in any long term relationship and 2 years is a pretty good time to do it. That said if you're not comfortable with the idea yet then just pay your way at home, give yourself a nice family xmas living at home and decide in late january or something. There's no rush.
Crushes on other guys is fine, you're only human it's the intent and the level of that, that may be an issue.
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