A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:“Dan” and I are both 27, living together, and recently engaged and married. We plan to have our wedding in 10 months time however have different approaches on costs and guest list, so we are brainstorming having two celebrations. I prefer an intimate wedding which we are ok paying for ourselves (we can afford it). I would love to have a meaningful ceremony with our loved ones. Ideally we would have a destination wedding in Hawaii which we have been talking about it for awhile but locally is equally fine. He prefers a larger wedding and accepting his family’s offer to chip in for the wedding. His parents and older sisters are happy to chip in 40K+ which is extremely generous of them but not necessary (to me). He’s happy to accept the money and to invite all his distant relatives whom he is not in contact with, so they can bring monetary gifts which is normal in his culture. He said so himself he doesn’t care for the distant relatives but that it would be nice to profit from the wedding as his sisters have done. Of course, the money would be used wisely such as for buying our house.Although he grew up here, his older sisters and family grew up overseas and are quite traditional (and married into traditional families). I don’t feel comfortable inviting people HE doesn’t even know or care for to the wedding. I feel uneasy for his reasons for having a large wedding. It feels wrong and takes away the meaning of having a ceremony to me. I also don’t like owing people. Knowing him he will feel obligated to pay them back in the future and I do not want to start our lives together with that hovering over us. He also said his parents will have a list of people they’ll want to invite, which is fine, but only for people HE actually knows and within reason. I don’t mind having a medium-sized wedding (and accepting part of his family’s offer to pitch in) but knowing him, it’s a slippery slope that risks the guest list going out of control. Plus, neither of us will know how to pick and choose who to invite and who to cut, since we don’t know them. Later, he suggested two weddings. One intimate one in Hawaii and a larger but less upscale gathering locally. For the destination wedding, we would pay for the wedding ourselves and guests would pay for their own travel/lodging. We already confirmed immediate family and close friends will attend, and are OK if the majority of other guests cannot attend. (To clarify, it’s about the intimacy and quality of the people that matters to me, not the destination… I don’t mind having both celebrations locally). For the second celebration, I said I’m ok with having it as long as it’s a party/dinner at NOT a full-on wedding. But he wants an actual wedding which I’m not interested in planning (it’s a lot of work) but at a low-cost venue.He then said we can have any wedding we want (aka my dream wedding) as long as we have that second celebration. Any advice or experiences to share? I don’t want to have a fake wedding for the sake of pleasing others or make money.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 April 2017):
 Am afraid because you are both from a different culture then you are going to have to work together to meet in the middle. This is generally where it gets stressful when you have both been brought up different. Just don't loose focus about what the marriage means to you both.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (13 April 2017):
 I think this may be more of a cultural issue -
You do not say what his background is, but if there is a history of having lavish weddings and being given money etc then there may be an "expected" protocol regarding marriage ceremonies.
Bottom line - there is expectation as to how it should be done, and if he doesn't do it, then the society/family will not look favourable on it.
Is this more about the image projected for everyone else to see? To make the family look good/wealthy/important/maintain a social status?
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (13 April 2017):
 I've always thought that there are certain days in your life that you should go all out for.
Your wedding day is special and thus it should be special. I think if you scale it back you will regret it in the long run.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (13 April 2017):
 Wow! 40K for a second wedding! Just wow! I could think of so many better things to put that money towards, especially for a couple who are just setting out in life, just as you can.
I suspect part of the reason this second ceremony is so important to your future husband is that he is close to his family and they would like to celebrate his wedding with all their family and friends.
Like you, I would much rather have a small intimate wedding than a large one with loads of people I don't know. HOWEVER, this day is as much about him as it is about you and he sounds very close to his family. Unlike you, I would not see it as a "fake" wedding; I would see it as a second celebration of our union - one to be shared with people who mean a lot to my husband's family (if not necessarily to him). If he is an only son, his family may be quite hurt if they are not allowed to celebrate his nuptials in the manner they would like.
In your shoes I would try to think "it's just one day" and let them do what they want, although I would insist on NOT having to arrange it all myself. If his family as so keen on this second do, get them all to help arrange it. In fact, if you can, hand over ALL arrangements to them so that all you have to do is turn up, look beautiful and be gracious for a few hours. YOU can then concentrate on arranging your first ceremony exactly as you like it.
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