A
male
age
41-50,
*opeStands
writes:Thank you for reading.Last Tuesday I went out on a first date. I've known her for 4 years because she works in a coffee shop in a city I pass through for work reasons about once every 3 weeks.Over the years we have always got along and had good conversation. We exchanged emails a couple of times over topics of shared interest. Although I have always been attracted to her, I took it no further as she told me she had a boyfriend. However, towards the end of last year she opened up that she was thinking about ending her relationship. Which, in fact, she did around 3 months ago. As I was going to be in her city last week, I took the plunge and asked her out for dinner. Was delighted that she accepted and we met. I thought the evening went well. We met at 8pm and were the last to leave the restaurant we had so much to say. I was amazed when I looked at my watch at it was 11.30pm. She said some quite romantic things I thought, for example she recalled exactly where I sat and what I ordered the first time she saw me in her coffee shop some 4 years ago. At the end of the date, we called a cab and just before it arrived we kissed on the street before she got in. I saw her at her workplace the next day and we talked for most of an hour, her colleague covering for her. She said she was keen to meet again.So, what's confusing me is this :- Since the date (and indeed before), communication between me an her was and is always started by me- I've never had a single unprompted text, email or anything- When I do message her (and I am trying to to be 'too keen' in that regard, for example didn't message her over the weekend just gone), I get a reply back and it's always a nice one.So what is going on here? I haven't dated anyone for some while having been in a long relationship and then single for a while. Is this normal for the early phases of dating that the guy needs to start all the communications and make all the next steps? Or is the reality her that she just isn't really into me and is happy to go along as long as I do everything, but it's that bothered (in which case I could be wasting my energy)? We are both in our 30s.Thanks in advance for your advice
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female
reader, okito  +, writes (25 July 2015):
Do you have a problem making all the steps and starting all the communication?
All you need as a man to like someone is to like her appearance which is already done obviously. For women appearance isn't enough. We need to get to know you before we start taking steps. I personally expect the man to initiate first communication take the first stepSSS. When I have a clear decision about the man, I spontaneously start initiating. For women, there's a responsibility that comes with initiating steps. We don't like implying we like when we don't know it or feel it yet. If initiation is a problem for you find a woman who initiates everything.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 July 2015):
 So ask her out again?
I do think she is trying to not come across as desperate or "un-ladylike" and thus letting you set the tempo.
I honestly think the more time you can SPEND in person the better, texting/calling is nice... BUT being together and doing things is WAY better. You can easier READ the other person and get a sense of them. The typed (text) word can be harder to glean the sense of humor, interest, likes and dislikes and honestly... you are both in your 30's mot teenagers who are glued to their "tech".
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (22 July 2015):
I think she's probably trying to avoid coming across too keen. There are so many mixed messages for women with regards to dating out there - let him come to you; if he's interested he'll pursue you; if you show too much interest you'll scare him off etc. And actually I'm finding there is a reason for that.
I'm recently back in the dating game after a long term relationship, and for a while I tried to show interest by messaging guys first online, suggesting the second or third date instead of waiting for him to do it or even just smiling at a guy on a night out. That sort of thing. But I'm finding that often the guy takes it as either 1. I'm desperate and therefore up for sex straight away; or 2. I'm desperate for a boyfriend - any boyfriend - so they run!
So as much as it sounds old fashioned to wait to be pursued, and obviously there are rational guys like yourself out there who would like a bit more encouragement and interest, sometimes that doesn't work in our favour unfortunately.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 July 2015):
 I was raised by the generation who believed that nice girls never called boys. Maybe she's as old fashioned even in her 30's. If you like her and she likes you I'd just go with the flow for awhile. You can ask her about it in the future.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 July 2015):
 Sounds to me like she's of the belief that men have to initiate everything. Give it time. Let her know that you are ok with her starting a conversation or contact.
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