A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I sometimes feel as if I'm less of a woman because I'm more on the side of Plain Jane/Ugly, and thus do not have a lot of the experiences that other women seem to bond over. I sit with a group of women at lunch, and lately at least one of them comes in complaining about getting too much attention from guys. They complain about guys hitting on them, whistling at them, yelling things out the windows of cars, giving them lots of extra attention. All the women in the group join in with their experiences and how annoyed they are by them, but I can't, because I've never had any of those experiences. I know some of the women find these experiences creepy (though sometimes I wonder, as they go on and on about them, if they're not a strange mixture of bothered and pleased) but I still feel very jealous that they've gotten that kind of behavior, and I haven't, even when I try. (Sundresses, short shorts, Renaissance corsets... I've tried them all, and the only feedback I've gotten is that I was "trying too hard.")I also feel jealous when reading articles in which women complain that guys misinterpret their friendly signals for flirting; that all they do is show interest in what a guy is talking about, or smile at him, and he assumes she wants him. I've been told numerous times that I am very friendly and warm, but I've never had a guy mistake it for anything else. In fact, I usually get friend zoned... The guy will spend the rest of the conversation bemoaning the hot girl that doesn't notice he exists, and asking my advice on relationships. It just makes me so sad and jealous that I will never experience these problems that seem to be so universal among women because of how I look. I feel like I'm somehow a freak... like I don't even count as a woman, like I'm sexless, because I'm not attractive. Does anyone else ever feel this way? How did you deal with it?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (19 March 2012):
I think it comes down to making the most out of the cards you've been dealt. A friend of mine is really pretty, like model pretty and she also complained of all the attention she got. So I got frank with her and asked: if you could switch your looks with me, would you do it?
And after some uncomfortable swallowing and looking away she admitted: no, she wouldn't. So I told her to stop complaining, that no matter how much she hates it there is always someone who wants what she has. Tell your friends that next time.
I do think pretty people have their own issues to deal with. There's always a downside to an upside. But being plain or ugly has much more downsides in a superficial world.
I suggest that instead of focusing on what you cannot change, you work on what you can.
- If you're really unhappy about your looks, work on your body. Everyone can have a good looking body, if they put in the effort. Also, when you dress or use makeup, make your good points stand out. Maybe you have toned arms, so wear a tank top or shirts that show that off. Maybe you have pretty lips, show them off with a nice lipstick. Pretty hair in a nice updo or if it's long, leave it loose to frame your face, etc.
Even if your face isn't reminscent of a greek sculpture, there are ways to optimize it. Good makeup (not too much, mind you) can work wonders. Just get a makeup artist to show you some tips and tricks. Just don't hide behind it, because that'll put you in the trying-too-hard category once again. Dressing sexily IMO isn't about wearing provocative clothing, it's about wearing the right clothes for your body. So experiment to see what works for you. This may take a while.
- work on your confidence. One of the guys I know that has many gals lusting him isn't actually all that handsome. He just takes care of himself, he's confident, charming and he doesn't let anyone walk over him. People who have something to say, who don't let people put them down but at the same time aren't too proud to open to others tend to be people others want to be around. What also helps is a positive outlook on life. Don't be part of the complainer group whose life sucks. Their life will continue to suck because of their attitude. Trust me on this, attitude helps.
- Lastly: all of us will get old someday. Look at Brigitte Bardot, regarded as one of the most beautiful women when she was in her prime. Noone will say that of her when they look at her now. And if age doesn't rob the pretties of their looks, something else will. It's such a temporary and fragile thing it's hardly worth all this agony.
I can understand your envy, as I've experienced it myself. But wallowing over it isn't going to do anything about it. Like someone once said: "pretty girls are nice to look at, but plain girls will go that extra mile because they know they can't count on their appearance to do the work for them." There is something to be said about that.
Good luck OP and sorry for the essay
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): Welcome to the wonderful world of the average guy. We are ALWAYS in the friend-zone and it sucks.
All you can do is just stop caring about having a partner so much and be happy as you are. Things will change, they always do.
Be content with yourself and others will follow.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, CANDY61 +, writes (19 March 2012):
A nice personality makes an unattractive woman beautiful!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 March 2012):
 Honestly If THAT is what it takes to be a women I would give in my "female" card right now.
Your friends sounds catty and shallow.
I do think looks count for something, but I think it comes down to more then "just" pretty. Someone who knows how to dress herself, takes care of herself and act with a confidence would indeed seem more attractive then someone trying to do it but without having her whole heart in it.
Be who you are - embrace it and enjoy it.
And honey, if you want to wear a sundress or paint your nails green, go for it - just it with gusto and learn not to give a shit what others think.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2012): Don't take it too seriously, those woman are exaggerating, trying to make their friends jealous. I had a friend who was like that, always "complaining" about how many guys are after her, just trying to make me feel bad. It's like when man brag about sex, it is not necessarily true.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2012): I can really relate to what you said. Men generally don't ever get approached or asked out at all. So to me personally it's irritating to hear women complain about getting too much attention, too many opportunities, and too many compliments from guys. It's like hearing a rich person complain about having too much money. Or a famous person complaining about too many fans wanting their autograph. It may be a subtle form of boasting. They should remember that the only thing worse than getting so much attention would be not getting it. Women have so much given to them just for being born female, and they don't appreciate it.
To me you sound articulate and smart, like you're probably a lot nicer and less spoiled than these women are. I'd rather be with someone like that than someone who takes everything she has, including men, for granted. And I'm sure there've been guys who liked you before, but maybe just weren't the type that you would take seriously, so you dismissed them.
It's true there are many things you cannot change about yourself. But some things are changeable with effort. Do you keep in shape? Do you put as much effort into makeup and hairstyling as other women do? Do you wear clothes that are suited to your body type and make the most of your shape? These may seem like shallow concerns but sadly that is just how the world works. Men and women make snap judgments based on appearances, to decide who's worth getting to know better. Also, you could meet someone in the online world where looks don't matter quite as much. You can actually get to know someone first before seeing them. Simply joining a chat room or dating site using a female name will get you tons of attention, if you really want to see what that's like.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (18 March 2012):
 Oh sweetie...you've got to change the way you feel about yourself...you are really dragging yourself down! You are certainly still a woman...getting cat calls doesn't make you more of a woman or more feminine than the next woman. Its what you have going on upstairs in your mind! You have to "walk the walk" so to speak. If you think and act like you've got it going on then it will show. Men pick up on that kind of vibe a woman gives out. They also pick up on if a woman has a rather negative defeatist attitude about her! I've seen women that aren't the prettiest or have the best bodies but they give out this attitude about them that says "Look at me..I AM SOMETHING". And they are! Be who you are and be proud of who you are. Any woman can paint her nails, fix her hair and wear a sexy outfit, but STILL..if you have a defeatist attitude about yourself going on..its going to come through. LOVE YOURSELF and hold your head high! I agree with Jannipeg that the women you are around are possibly bragging and that's pretty classless....ignore them. They secretly probably do a thrill from the attention. Ignore them.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 March 2012):
 I would like to praise Janniepeg (I suppose she has something to do with Winterpeg) in this regard:
focus on your inner beauty and what you have to offer besides your appearance.
I don't think anyone could say it better.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 March 2012):
 Your so called friends are not even friends. They are people who talk at you and not really considerate your feelings. Make up, fake eyelashes can change things. I have them but I just never use them and they expire. Being female is not about appearance, it's about the special energy that you give out. Being receptive, appreciative to what a man would give to you. I consider myself a plain jane, not ugly but I still get cat calls. Attractiveness comes from within and it permeates through your skin. Time to focus on your inner beauty and what you have to offer besides your appearance.
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