A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I have only just found out that my partner of 11 years has been cheating on me and got another woman pregnant, as you can imagine I am totally gutted, he says he wants to stay with me and loves me but I keep finding text messages on his phone. Ive tried to throw him out a couple of times but he claims he has nowhere to go, to make matters worse he goes out drinking with his mates whenever he can and I just cant trust him any more, if it was just me I would chuck him out tommorow but Ive got 2 kids to consider.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2007): Okay so he has hurt you so bad that you can't even conceive of a time where you will have healed, gained wisdom, learnt to better love yourself, to set boundaries-respect your own limits and not feel obligated to always give...you don't always have to give by the way.
A healthy, emotionally stable man will want to do all he can to support, provide for your needs and for what you are willing to give and what is reasonable.
It must be so hard-feelings of betrayal, resentment, anger, pain, sorrow all inter-mixed.
Please consider joining a local group for support; we women will always stand in need of validation-of needing to be heard by another. Group therapy will provide this and it's a way of getting out as well.
I think you did well for you and for your children.
Eventually, when you are prepared, you will forgive this man which does not mean take him back...you can still forgive another and not necessarily love them. *wink*
Sending you hugs!!
Best Wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell I still havent taken him back that at least I can hold my head up about that but its opened up such a can of worms it turns out hes been leading a totally secret life hes been seeing this woman for years and i now suspect the 6 year old son she has is his also. I hate him and want him nowhere near his kids, I just hope that sometime in the future when my kids are a older I can meet someone new but Id rather be on my own then have anything to do with that complete and utter sad excuse for a human being, thanks to all the people who gave advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2007): I understand where you're coming from I have 3 kids and one on the way and have been w/my man for 10 yrs. Now I think he's cheating on me. Look you've caught him and if he is always out anyways he really doesn't care about your feelings. If he has no where to go oh well he should have thought of that before he cheated on you. Tell him next he better find a girl that has a house for him 2 stay in. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for all your replies, Im still not happy with him, I think hes still seeing her on the sly even though hes hardly been out of the house Im going to discuss it this evening with him my kids are old enough to understand and weve tried to keep the arguments away from them hes not drunk and abusive just selfish, I just dont want to throw away 11 years so easily but at the end of the day I have to think whats best for me and the kids.
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A
female
reader, elsie +, writes (13 March 2007):
 you'll be considering the kids by chucking him out.i guarantee you'll be fighting and eventually probably end up hating him.at the moment you are still in shock.your mind is grasping at reasons for him to stay.think of all the emotional turmoil in the future when he has to deal with this other girl and she starts puttin pressure on him for their baby?let him go and stay with her?how worried was he about you when he was sleeping with her?i really dont think you owe him anything.go through the heap of pain now and better to save yourself being downtrodden and in pain everyday for god knows how long?go for it and you might surprise yourself at how strong you can be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): The reasons why he isn't going to change is you fell for his act that pity me I have nobody and nowhere to go.
He isn't going to change because you are letting him remain with you and so yes of course he goes out drinking every night with his buddies and will cheat because you enable him by reinforcing his attitude and behaviour by allowing him to stay.
Agreed with everyone else...time to teach this loser a lesson that is well deserved.
KICK HIM OUT AND HE DOESN'T COME BACK.
Know that if you let him back, he hasn't changed as any loser can pretend to change for a week or month because all he has to do is one small act and say the words...he doesn't have to prove anything ...oh wait...he does now.
He isn't worth it but if you decide you want him back...I say he has to FIRST:
Attend AA meetings every week for 6 months.
Also have individual counselling and attend every week for a year or two.
Couple's counselling.
To a man who desire to change for the better and the woman he loves, he will seize this oppurtunity and want it and live it.
To a loser who just wants to go back to how thing were where he calls the shots and doesn't have to do anything really...he will see it as controlling and will stay away.
You will need some counselling to change how you think and feel about yourself and change and learn that a loving, healthy adult relationship doesn't mean putting up with drunks and cheaters and that is about mutual friendship, love, respect.
Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (12 March 2007):
 Chuck him out tomorrow, or better yet, chuck him out today!
He's made his bed, now he gets to sleep in it. If he's lucky, maybe his girlfriend or his drinking buddies will take him in. Where he ends up living is really no concern of yours, as long as it's not under the same roof.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): Why are you making his problem your problem He has no place to go? Hum that's too bad. Why does it matter if you have kids? Are you afraid he will say something to the kids to make it seem like you are the bad guy, throwing him out and all? Unless they are very little kids who might actually think that you are being mean or something(and his kids) I wouldn't give it a second thought.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (12 March 2007):
 Hello Anonymous,
It's good that you're considering your children. With that said, what sort of role model is this man going to be for them? I don't really see him as a positive influence on them at all, do you? While it's good for your kids to have a father who is there for them, it really doesn't sound like this man does much with his children if he's going out with his friends and seeing other women. Am I right? That's just the impression that I get from reading your question.
So when considering your children, the questions really are - Do the kids need this sort of male role model in their lives - one who cheats on his wife, one who goes out with friends instead of trying to patch things up at home, someone who can't be trusted by his own wife of 11 years? Or would it be better for the kids to live with a single mom who only wants what is best for them, seems to have a good head on her shoulders and is willing to sacrifice her own welbeing so that they can have a good life?
Let me ask you this now - what good is it going to do for your kids to live in a house with parents who have a terrible marriage? I guess I don't really see the point in keeping this together for the kids when you've not really said anything positive about the relationship between you and your husband. Do you understand what I mean?
That being said then - what have you done to save the marriage? What has he done to save the marriage? Have you been to counseling together? If not, why? Have you at least tried to have a conversation (not an argument) about what could be done? Have you been to counseling on your own? It would probably be beneficial since you would be able to go into more detail, etc and figure out exactly what would be best for everyone (although I think you already know the answer to that). It would probably also help for you to air out all of the feelings you have about this other woman getting pregnant with his child. Are you both sure that it's even his? Or that she truly is pregnant?
Honestly, if I were you I would stop trying to throw him out and just do it. Do you both own a place together or rent? If you rent, perhaps you could find another place and terminate your part of the lease early. It's not fair that you would have to be the one to move, but would you rather stay at home feeling like this and having to deal with these problems? Even if it's just for a bit - a trial separation - it would probably do the both of you some good. Perhaps you could stay with friends or family for a bit? The only thing that I would worry about is if moving with the kids is legal. I would assume it is, but I don't know your husband or his personality - I'm just wondering if he's try and pull something stupid like you're trying to kidnap or hold his kids away from him. Perhaps you should consult a lawyer? Hopefully it wouldn't have to come to that and you two could work it out amicably.
If you own the house together, then that's a little more tricky - but I would still see about separating for a while. And again I suggesting seeing if you can move in with friends or family for a bit - a short term lease apartment if you can't find anything else.
Again - I only recommend moving out with your children as a last resort and only if you know he won't pull anything with you. First thing is that you two need to have an in depth discussion about what's going on, what can be done, how to deal with this other woman, if he's really going to stop seeing her, and going to counseling (even if you've talked things through).
It's also important that you have someone you can talk to about all of this even if it isn't a counselor. If you don't, then you're going to explode (at least I would). Please try to tell a friend or family member what is going on. You're going to need some sort of support through this, especially if your husband is unwilling to discuss things with you and be honest about his feelings.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (12 March 2007):
 I think you're doing the right thing by considering your kids in this decision because what happens to them is important. In my opinion you should try and save your marriage before giving it up if only for their sakes. However if you do stay with him you're going to have to tolerate the presence of this other woman and her child in your life since that child also has the right to spend time with its father and its mother will probably need to stay in contact to a certain degree to ensure that can happen. It's your decision to make but perhaps you could try some counselling and see if you can work through it before throwing in the towel completely. I really admire your commitment to your children.
CD
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A
female
reader, NuttyGooner +, writes (12 March 2007):
 Ummm, you need to consider your two children, I agree, but why do you want to have such a liar and drunk hanging around them? And why would you want someone you don't trust around your 2 kids?
My mother made the hardest, but the best decision of her life to leave my father, taking my older brother and myself with her. He was drunk, he was abusive, and he manipulated my brother and myself to do things that hurt my mother - if I didn't call whoever he was seeing that week "mummy" I got a hell of a beating. My brother (then 6) knew how to do his roll ups when he came crashing in at god knows what time, and I got the brunt of his anger when my mother wouldn't cook him something.
Chuck him out, lock the door - and put his stuff into big black binliners.
You children will be so much better off for living with a mother who cares deeply for them, than with a constantly rowing couple with an air of distrust and suspicion and pickled prat wandering in at stupid o'clock.
Good luck,
Nutty xxx
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (12 March 2007):
 Why are the two kids a reason for you to keep a drinking womanizer around?
With all the people he seems to socialize with (his mates and his mistresses) he should be able to find a place to crash for a while until he can find his own place.
If he was truly sorry about cheating on you, it would be a different matter, but this guy continues getting text messages on his phone, so make sure that you don't have any joint accounts that he could empty and send him out of the house. This guy doesn't seem to give a darn bit about you and he will probably not change without divine intervention.
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