A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a curiousity that's been on my mind for awhile now. I've heard it said many times and read on here and other websites all men look at other women even if they are happy with their partners, it's in their genes, they are visual. You name it. I know for a fact this is not true. I am currently friends with a guy who is married, and I work with him so we are around each other all the time. A lot of people come and go where we work, and I've never seen him even so much as glance at women. He treats them just as he would any customer, doesn't watch them walk away, etc. A lot of my former male friends in my old town were the same way. They said ever since they first laid eyes on their partners, they never looked back. I know they told the truth because their actions matched their words. You see, I've observed men's behavior for years, and the number of men who look at other women versus the ones who don't is actually pretty equal. Now, getting to what I'm curious about. I never was able to find a man for myself that was like my friends. Every man I've dated and the man I'm currently married to looks at other women. Why is that? Why have I been able to meet so many men who don't do that to their partners, yet I never found one for myself? Something I have noticed about the men I've known who don't look is that their partners were very beautiful. I'm not. Is that why I never found someone who doesn't look? Because I can't fully satisfy a man visually? Please no comments about me being insecure or having low self esteem. I already know. Don't say my standards are too high, either because they are not. I married the man I love despite knowing he looks at other women. I'm just curious about this is all. Please share your thoughts on why this would be. And how many of you men who say all men look would still look if you had a perfected version of your partner? Meaning, your partner still looked like herself except she was younger, thinner, longer hair, bigger boobs, no cellulite, basically insert any perceived imperfection women get insecure about. Honest answers only please. .
View related questions:
boobs, I work with, insecure, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): 99% of men will look at other women.
My partner did it a few times, when we started dating almost 2 years ago. I let him know very verbally, that I do not want it happening again... and it hasn't.
Every person has certain behaviours that they cannot accept in a partner. If this is one of yours, let the man know once you're dating him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): There will always be works of art to look at,the painting that calls you back to take a second look and enquire. To want a person to ONLY look at the Mona Lisa is a selfish point of view and futile task, it will never happen. The point here is,to which painting will be bought and hung on his/her wall for ever? the one that the eye holds as special.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): I too know guys who don't seem to look at other women, or at least are so discreet you would never catch them doing it. Come on, everyone looks at other people that they consider attractive. Women do it too. Married women too. It's not a crime. The difference is in how discreet you are. I bet that your male friends did/do look at other women, just that they do it so fleetingly and when no one can notice that you just never saw it. yes I would be upset if my husband blatantly stared and ogled at women, which he does do if he doesn't know I can see it. When he knows I can see, then he pretends he doesn't notice them. How do you feel about this - is it something to be upset at that he stares at other women, or is it a virtue that he takes pains to make sure he doesn't do it when I can see? I can't help but notice attractive guys too, I don't ogle them if my hb is with me. When I'm out with my female friends, even the married ones, they DO point out when there's a hot guy walking down the street. if you can agree that everyone looks at other people some of the time and the difference is in the degree, then we can ask why is it that your male friends hardly did it or were very discreet whereas the men you've been with were/are so blatant about it? First of all, is it possible that you are more hyper-vigilant for this behavior with your partners than with your male friends, since you have an emotional stake in whether the guy "looks" at other women if he's your partner/spouse but not if he's just a friend. Second, were the guys you dated and married, similar to the guys who are your friends? For me, for example, I've only ever dated men who started out as my friends. I've never been in a relationship with someone where we started out knowing each other purely in the context of dating or hooking up. I've never dated guys I met at a bar for example, or random strangers who asked me out. I've only ever dated guys who I already knew very well in a platonic context. It's precisely because I already knew them fairly well that I wanted to date them. If your partners/spouse are different from your male friends, is it because they are different 'types' of men to begin with?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): This is the OP.
Fair enough, I suppose some men are more discreet or have mastered hiding their looking. But that doesn't change the fact I still happen to know some men who truly aren't like this. I can't prove it, I guess. But here's a link to something one of my friends wrote years ago. I can't help but be jealous, and wish someone felt this way about me:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-ex-is-a-beautiful-godess-and-i.html
So if all men look and crave variety in other women, how do you explain a situation like this?
@Male anon: I never said anything about wanting to own my husband's sexuality. This was simply a question of curiosity. How did it get turned into me wanting to "own" my husband, or saying he's a bad person because he looks? I never said either of those things! Maybe I worded my post a bit poorly, but I still believe the "all men look" statement is a load of garbage. There is no way one man (or woman) can speak for an entire gender. Maybe there are studies to back it up, but those studies still can't speak for 100% all men. You seem awfully defensive. I didn't mean to make anybody angry, I just asked a question.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 August 2013):
While some men are obvious when they are checking women out, there are guys like me who find it to be a little inappropriate to make it obvious. So I'll only do it when there's no way someone, especially my wife, would see me. I'm reasonably sure that every straight guy in the world with a normal sex drive looks down a woman's blouse when he can feel comfortable doing so.
You have either had guys that were more obvious or you were able to see it because you spent more time with them.
In six years of marriage my wife has only caught me checking out other women a couple of times; mostly because the women were so stunning that she knew I'd have to be looking. Sure enough when she looked at my eyes, she caught me, but it doesn't make her feel insecure because it almost never happens.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 August 2013):
While some men are obvious when they are checking women out, there are guys like me who find it to be a little inappropriate to make it obvious. So I'll only do it when there's no way someone, especially my wife, would see me. I'm reasonably sure that every straight guy in the world with a normal sex drive looks down a woman's blouse when he can feel comfortable doing so.
You have either had guys that were more obvious or you were able to see it because you spent more time with them.
In six years of marriage my wife has only caught me checking out other women a couple of times; mostly because the women were so stunning that she knew I'd have to be looking. Sure enough when she looked at my eyes, she caught me, but it doesn't make her feel insecure because it almost never happens.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 August 2013):
 Do you see the pattern?
All the guys you're NOT with you describe as not looking at other women.
All the guys you've BEEN with including your husband you describe as looking at other women.
The common denominator is you. No, I'm not saying that being with you causes the guy you're with to look at other women. I'm saying you're hypersensitive and you're SEEing it because you're looking for it.
Almost every guy looks at other women. No, they don't ogle and rubberneck, but physical visual stimulation affects them all. Some just have better manners about it. Your husband may not, or you may in fact be so geared to your partner looking at other women that you are just waiting to smell the pheromones or see even the most passing glance.
The reason I say that is this:
"Something I have noticed about the men I've known who don't look is that their partners were very beautiful. I'm not. Is that why I never found someone who doesn't look? Because I can't fully satisfy a man visually?"
THAT is why you perceive all men as looking at other women when you're with them. This is completely your insecurity. That's why you also say "Please no comments". It is the truth.
You already know the answer. Insecure women are hypersensitive to their partners...very hypersensitive. Some to the point where if they go to a public place, they first pick up the most beautiful women in the room, and THEN automatically look at where their husbands are looking and are convinced that he's picked them out and drinking them in.
Deal with yourself, or you're going to have this problem forever. A secure woman would know that even though their guy may notice a beautiful woman, that you're the one they married, you're the one they love, and they chose you over all of them.
...............................
A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (1 August 2013):
 Maybe it's just the type of men you go for.
Also, just because you don't see a man staring at another woman, it doesn't mean that he didn't notice her and isn't having mental images of her go through his mind.
In any case, unless the guy is being blatant and looking at other women instead of paying attention to you, I think you need to learn to let it go when guys you're dating do that. There are always going to be people more attractive than you out there, whether you're a man or a woman, and to think that your partner won't notice that is ludicrous. But that doesn't mean that your partner is unsatisfied with you or wishing you looked different; they obviously chose to date you for a reason.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): Oh, so you know for a fact that men aren't really predisposed to look at other women? Just because you know some counter examples?
Just like women aren't really predisposed to prefer men with some money & power, right? Should I believe this broad idea about a whole gender is false just because I can show some counter examples of it?
People are not black & white, they are millions of shades of gray. People are genetically programmed with lots of stuff their mates don't like. But being predisposed to something does not free the person of all responsibility to behave in a decent respectful way. Women can be predisposed to like wealthy powerful men without being gold diggers. Men can be predisposed to look at other women without being disrespectful to their wife about it.
And this is what I don't think you want to accept - a shade of gray. You have a man who looks at other women so he must be a "bad one" because you are convinced other men don't do it and are "good ones." I know a lot of guys who don't admit to looking at other women besides their wife(especially to other women!) but they do it all the time, discreetly.
I'm sorry but you cannot own a man's sexuality. You can ask that a man choose you and respect you with his actions. But you cannot demand that his natural urges and feelings match what you want him to feel from now on. A husband owes you his love, respect, and faithfulness but he does not sign away his entire being.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): I would say I am average to fairly pretty. I have had relationships with men that don't look and men that do. One thing I do know there is glancing (which we all do to either sex - basically we all notice something attractive whether its a person or food!) and there is gawping. Gawping is just plain rude. I am 41 and I went out with a guy who was only 2 years younger than me recently - he would physically turn his head when we were out in the car and stare at women in their late teens and early twenties. The first time he did it I let it go. After that I realised the bottom line was he made me feel un-special, bad about myself and it was not well mannered or respectful....and this little habit of his represented / reflected a number of other similar traits. If it makes you feel bad then it is wrong - don't question yourself. If you choose to put up with it then really you have to stop wondering - you made a decision to accept it, so accept it. I dumped my boyfriend. I hope for your sake he changes his attitude.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 August 2013):
 It's got nothing to do with looks or perfection, it's more about difference and noveelty and variety. There are lots of men who cheat on their partners with LESS attractive women- Arnold Schwartzenegger and the frumpy housekeeper he had a child from comes to mind.
Personally, I think that the percentage of men ( and women ) who look is higher than just 50%. Of course we have to define what " looking " means. If you mean staring, ogling, craning their necks and drooling over any pretty girl who walks by, then, no, luckily they aren't that overwhelmingly many. But , looking as in NOTICING and resting your eyes a few secs over an image of beauty ?... I think it's inevitable and authomatic , it does not even consciously register in the brain. You see something attractive - a woman, but also a car, a picture, a landscape, anything - and - how can you not look and admire for a second ? people are THIRSTY for beauty , and mostly for what pleases the sense of sight. That does not men that these men ( AND women ) then act upon their attraction, or think about it, or even start making comparisons etc. It's just .. a sort of a reflex. Like, you catch a whiff of some delicious food scent, and you salivate- even if you aren't hungry at all.
Assuming though that 50% of men never ever even lay eyes on attractive women, - which could happen perhaps because their are less sensitive than average to visual stimulation, or because they have trained themselves to suppress/ contain their response to it,- , so how come you never ended up with one of them ?..
Hard to say, maybe just draw of luck- but my guess is that you did not read the fine print. People are who they are and if you observe them well, it's rare that they spring on you incredible surprises after a while you know them. So, maybe that nice, gentlemanly, respectful guy you had that nice dinner date... all went fine, BUT he rested his eyes on the waitress' bust a little more than necessary- or tilted his head to take in a good look of an attractive female customer. And you choose perhaps not to remark it, not to activate your radra, because all in all the guy was nice etc.etec. Then, a few months down the line, here you are going out with a regular ogler that makes saucer eyes to any attractive female around.
My point is, as in most everything, the secret is in the pre-screening. In weeding them out early.IF this looking - at- other- girls was such a big deal to you ( but ,luckily, it's not , since you have married one ) then you should have been much more observant, and much more attuned to their body language.
Again, unless we are talking about jerks who undress women with their eyes making them uncomfortable- and that's another story, it's not even about "liking " other women, it's about being rude and incivil ! - you have got nothing to worry. It's not about you, it does not reflect you, it does not mean that they don't like you enough, in fact it does not mean anything in particular. and, just in case, you can always take revenge feasting your eyes on some cute tanned young lifeguard or personal trainer :)!
...............................
|
