A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just after some different opinions bout me problem. I know its bad but been having an affair wiv a girl whos got a boyfriend of three years. It was both emotional and sexual and quite highly charged. We became v close through it. Think it started from mutual attraction and i could sense there was something missing in her relationship as she played back to my flirting. She knew what she was dooing was wrong but thought she could stay in control - no strings. Well I couldnt and wanted her to leave him. Think she has fallen for me too in quite a big way. Bottom line is though she has invested in her relationship got to know each others fams etc and wasnt counting on this disrupting her life. He is at the point of them wanting to move in together etc and she has told me she does love him but she is no longer in love. We have both made each other ill with the games fall outs, making ups but know we cannot carry on as we are. broke off contact with her for a week or so and got back in touch one night and she was so made up. Spent 2 1/2 hours textin and chattin havin fun. Both admitted we still fancied one another missin each other but the circs aint changed. We were gonna meet up as friends but know deep down its too dangerous cos of the attraction. Anyhow she was goin away the followin day with her boyfriend I found out when we spoke. I text her wishing her a good time to test the water and she text me back callin me babe etc. I then leave her to it over the weekend and text on the Tue to see if shes back - she replies she aint but that she hopes im missing her lots. I tease her back tellin her we is both as bad etc. Anyhow its now a week later and nothing. They go away again soon and feel like leaving her too it as it will be make or break for them. I feel like gettin in touch cos she is prob feelin down thinkin I have moved on and shes stuck with what shes got/done an I do miss her which i feel she should know although im being strong which doesnt make sense not to be in contact but the circle might start again. Or do you think I should leave her to make the contact? I feel like its turning into a bloody game again she prob does too as we is both stubborn which doesnt help!!! What I want to know is do you guys think her relationship will last if she has been cheating? I seriously have my doubts as this affair will have undermined everything that should hold them together. He does not know and she would not dare tell him. They have no kids not married or livin together. Do you think she will go on living a lie and be able to forget??? If it were me I would not cheat but end my relationship if the feelings had gone. I think she is letting her head rule her heart though. Will the affair have damaged what already seemed a rocky relationship further???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): you all say that she would of left him if she didn't love him. Not true at all. she can love him but not be in love with him. She could be staying because of stability and finacial reasons. Or she has really low self-esteem and likes the fact that there is someone to fall back on if all fails. We don't know. But one thing we do know is that she is SELFISH !!!!!!!!!!!!! Im not saying it makes it right.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Im goin thru the same situation actually and ready your story makes me realise, u and i r living a dream...im sorry to say it but if she liked u enough she wuda broke it off with her other fella. u cant put ur life on hold for her its not fair on you, tell her its u or him nd if she picks u then see wher it goes bt the chances r she wont make a choice and if thts so, move on and find someone else, i no u think its easier sed than done but it will be best in the long run as you will find someone special and she will stay with him! good luck xx
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A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Who knows what will happen, but you can not put your life on hold and wait for her to make a decision, you start moving on with your life and if she comes to you, all well and good and if she does not then consider it a lucky escape.
Take care.xx.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Thanks for your responses. Yes she has got no backbone I have spoke to her about this before and she thinks she can go on ignoring the issue like it doesnt exist as she is weak, whereas I believe you have to be strong as you only get one chance. She is really worried about hurting him as he is older and has been badly let down before and would struggle to cope. Also she has always had massive guilt issues about what shes been dooin which is why we have been on/off and finally broke off as much contact as it was makin us both sick but she cannot always resist me but it has got to the point where it has to stop as it is. I really dont see how she can love him, she has even taken calls from him while i have been in her bed and lied to him and then told me if he knew what she was dooing hed kill her but then carried on. I know they row a lot and dont think they have sex anymore. I know she worries about her reputation too (yes, I know!!!) with her friends and fam who would be devestated if this got out. I feel the only way to press the issue is to let her come to me if she wants but i fear she will try even though things are the same? Do you think they'll work through this? Or she will come to her senses now im pulling away?
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (28 August 2007):
 If she cheats WITH you she will someday cheat ON you. I would leave her to the other guy and try to find someone unattached.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Hi
And you wouldnt be treated like that by her if she did leave him, because?.......
If she cant dump a guy shes not even living with, what chance does someone she has responsibilities with in the future got?
She's got no commitment to him, ie home, kids etc, yet STILL wants her cake n eat it?
Maybe she is scared of hurting him, but i doubt that, because if he finds out about you, he's gonna be hurt a lot more than if she just ends it amicably. And she must know that? Its not rocket science? No, my betting is this is a back bone issue. I would be inclined to tell her to go to the sports shop and purchase a pair of balls, finish with him, and let this guy get on and find someone that will treat him like a human being and not something she just trod in.
Of course she loves you more than she ever did him so wouldnt dream of doing the same to you in the future right? hmmmmmmmmm *scratches head*
Good luck though hun. I think you deserve better!
C xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Hi,
Can I just say, that if she really wasn't in love with the guy why hasn't she left him. It sounds like she has the stable life with him and you are the bit on the side. They have no commitment to each other, and yet she wont give this up.
I wonder why you are willing to take her on anyway, what if she does this to you?. She clearly has no problem with cheating.
I would forget her, and move on. Why give this girl the chance to rip your heart out as well.
XX
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (28 August 2007):
If you keep contacting her she is more than likely going to keep this up as it's easy this way, she does not have to hurt her boyfriend and she can still have contact with you.
I personally think you should cut the contact altogether, if she really loves you hopefully she will realise what she is losing and make the right decision for all concerned.
Take care.xx.
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