A
female
age
36-40,
*harlie085
writes:recently started a new relationship we've been together now around 6 weeks. he's 40 I'm 32 and we both work together. we've known each other for around 6 years now but we were always both in different relationships until recently. so at the beginning it was very intense. we more or less said the "L" word within a couple of weeks. we spoke about moving in together and even in the future getting married and even went onto talking about retiring together! all of these conversations were brought on by him! I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years up until a year and a half ago so had pretty much closed off to ever loving someone this he knew but with the way he used to talk to me made me feel wanted and at ease so I opened up to him more than I thought I would. everythin has now changed tho. alot of my old issues with being insecure from my previous relationship have started to appear and he now doesn't say anythin about a future. he says he loves me still and doesn't want to end things but his actions say different. he says I am too negative and he doesn't want it rubbing off on him. but at the beginning he said he understood that I had been badly hurt and wud prove that not all guys were the same. I am extremely confused by him. he's hardly affectionate anymore when before he was very affectionate. he has now started telling me that he wants to just chill whenever I ask him if he wants to see me. I feel like he is going to end it but in a way doesn't want to hurt me more so he is distancing himself hoping I will end it. 6 weeks into any relationship shouldn't be this difficult I know that but because he has opened all these feelings back up I don't know whether to continue on or just let him go. does anyone have any kind of advice? please don't be harsh. thanks
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 February 2017):
 From your posts it is clear to see you still have remaining issues from your past. You are bringing them in to this new relationship and comparing him to your ex. It is not fair on you both to carry these issues in a relationship. I think it is best you end it and work on yourself. Get the help you need not to compare others to what happened you in the past. I do understand that it is difficult but you need to work hard to resolve what your ex done to you.
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (14 February 2017):
 I think you're making a smart choice.
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A
female
reader, charlie085 +, writes (13 February 2017):
charlie085 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replies I appreciate the advice. from the day I wrote that until today things are still as bad worse even he's even colder than he was. I have sought help for my previous issues and am currently on a waiting list for counseling. the love talk and future talk between us started pretty much straight away it was like 2 weeks in. we went on one date then 2 days later he said he didn't want to date anymore he wanted us to b together and that was that. I thought I knew him because we have known each other a few years but obviously I didn't no this side to him if I had known I wouldn't have gone near him as this has the same pattern as my ex and the issues he put me thro. I am seeing him tomorrow valentines day (it will be memorable for the wrong reasons) and I am going to probably end it. not ideal doing it on Valentine's day but first time I am going to have seen him since beginning of last week and I'm a great beleiver in doing things face to face. I have no doubt it will upset me but if this is wot it is like 6 weeks in I really do not think I could stick around to c how much worse it could get. thanks again for ure replies
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (11 February 2017):
 My gut instinct would be to end this relationship myself - you will feel so much better for taking back control of your own life - and then get help with coming to terms with your past.
It sounds like this guy thought he could "heal" you, but he expected this to happen too quickly to be realistic.
You sound like you need proper professional help to come to terms with your past. Until such time as you do, it may be best to stay single so that, when you do start a new relationship, you will be in a much better place mentally and emotionally and will not expect a new partner to take on your past.
Sending HUGS and wishing you good times to come.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (11 February 2017):
I'm not sure what to make of him exactly..he might have just wanted to tell you things you thought you wanted to hear, re: long term relationship, retirement etc. To me, someone talking about that stuff (especially LOVE and moving in) is a red flag that someone is moving too fast. It might be on his end, that he overcommits because he's dissatisfied with some baggage in his life and burns out/underdelivers once he realizes this doesn't fix it, and continues quick chases to fill whatever void or distract from whatever damage is there. How did you go from nothing to a relationship? What point in 6 weeks was all this commitment talk? Are you sure you are in a committed monogamous relationship, and he wasn't just casually musing? You and I might be different, I'd be put ON GUARD if someone is talking about all this so soon, even if I knew the guy for a long time, if I only officially started dating him recently, that'd be weird to me. I guess I'd try going back to him and saying you're sorry if you overloaded too much too soon, and you realize this is supposed to be fun, and can you start over a bit, or rewind a bit. If he doesn't seem that interested, I would think you should just move on.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 February 2017):
 You may need to offload the baggage from the old relationship before you attempt a new relationship. From your submission it would seem you didn't give yourself enough time to sit and reflect and even recover from your breakup .... maybe pull back a bit on the new relationship while you sort yourself out.
Some counselling also appears to be in order, and I am suggesting this as it will help you get your thoughts in order, and to determine what you want or need from a relationship. It should also help you develop some strategies to help when you find the previous relationship is impinging on the new one.
Its only 6 weeks, if you feel your guy is going to end the relationship maybe YOU take control, let him know you both may have rushed things in the beginning and you want to slow down while you BOTH decide if this is the best thing for you (both).
I hope that wasn't too harsh :-)
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