A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of 8 months is unhappy with the amount of sex in our relationship. Tonight we had (in my opinion) a nice date and then had sex for 30 minutes ~ 1 hour and when I took her home, she just sat in pissed off silence the whole way (30 minute drive) until we got to her home and then complained that she didn't have an orgasm and said she was "very sexually frustrated"...She thinks we should be having sex "12 times per week", which is insane because even if we saw each other every day we would hardly have time for anything else. We see each other about 3~4 days per week and usually have sex at least once for 30 minutes ~ 1 hour each time we see each other. Usually she has an orgasm but unless she tells me, it can be hard to tell if she did or not, and I can only go for so long...I think by most people's standards, I am a very sexual person. I would even go so far as to say I'm a sex enthusiast. I'm open to trying almost anything, I have a carefully selected collection of high end sex toys, and I spend a lot of time researching sex, bondage, etc. I've even ran a college student's kinksters club until I started my current relationship. I certainly never imagined that I would be accused of not putting out enough...Other things in our relationship are very good. We pretty much never fight, we mostly like doing the same things, etc. But it seems impossible to make her sexually satisfied and it is making me have second thoughts about our relationship.
View related questions:
orgasm, sex toy, sexually frustrated Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (3 November 2019):
 "12 times per week"...in quotation marks tells me she actually SAID this, that it's not just hyperbole.
They have sex for about an hour ever time they get together which is about 3-4 times a week. For a married couple who live together, this would be considered a robust sex life.
'Usually she has an orgasm but unless she tells me, it can be hard to tell if she did or not...'He isn't making any assumptions. In fact he's acknowledged that he can't read her mind. He can just give it his best guess based on what he sees and hears, and knows of her.
' I'm open to trying almost anything, I have a carefully selected collection of high end sex toys, and I spend a lot of time researching sex' He said he is open to trying, that he owns a collection of toys and acknowledges he doesn't know everything and aims to learn what he doesn't know. He did NOT say, he knows everything, relies SOLELY on toys and doesn't see the need to expand his knowledge.
So how did HE become the bad guy here? Male ego driven? Bravado?
The man is simply saying he feels pressure to put out far more than he can handle. If a woman had submitted this question we'd all be telling her the boyfriend was abusive and using her for sex.
OP, your sex life sounds normal to me, YOU sound normal to me. Your girlfriend sounds normal, but her sexual expectations do not. You're not a sex vending machine. It's not something you OWE anyone. So, when you talk to her you don't need to second guess yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): You don't need to be a 'wildcat' or a 'pork actress' to show you've had an orgasm for goodness sake.
As Chigirl so rightly says, it's in the breathing, the muscle tension and relax, the shuddering and shaking and the relaxation afterwards. All of which can be/are done without 'acting' or any vocal clues whatsoever. If you're doing it right though, it's hard not to moan and groan (even if you're not a pork actress or not a wildcat).
You make it sound as if the only way a man KNOWS if we have had an orgasm is if we exaggerate it. Not so, my friend, not so. You sure your partner's having one? Not just tired and wants to get it over with, so she fakes it? 'Yes, dear, I came. Thank you. Night Night.' Every orgasm I've ever had has been blindingly obvious and I'm not an actress type or a wildcat as you put it.
Maybe time for a rethink mate.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2019): Your bag of tricks is too cluttered with gadgets that buzz or vibrate, sex-gizmos; and your ego is overblown with more than a healthy amount of over-confidence and bravado.
I think you've gone past the simplest of all things. What nature gave you, and natural instinct.
People have introduced porn, rubber penises, and all kinds of fetishes, and quirky junk into sex; and have turned it into a science project or horror show; instead of a physical-way of expressing love for your partner. Two people on a sensual-journey into the exploration of our bodies as a playground.
Ever sat around together searching for ticklish-spots and tingly-places? Have you figured-out or experimented with ways to make her eyes roll-back, without props and thing-a-majigs? Make veins pop, and backs arch? Manually?
If you wear yourself out setting-up the stage and making a big production out of it, I guess I can see where half your time and energy goes. I don't think much is accomplished in 30 minutes. Not with the way the female-anatomy is designed! Sometimes it doesn't take much, and sometimes it takes a lot. Unless you set sex on an egg-timer; or you're in a hurry to get someplace!
Forget toys! Just use a natural way of connecting mind and body in the warmest and most emotional way possible between two people.
Oh but no!!! People have to dress in weird costumes, poke unidentified-objects in places they're not meant for; or they've got to invite the entire soccer team over to make it a group-thing!
I totally feel where your girlfriend's coming from! It's not over until everybody's happy! That's why it's considered a happy-ending! For all your bragging regarding your sexual-expertise and extraordinary skills; I guess she's under-impressed, or underwhelmed! Having had first-hand experience with a self-proclaimed stud-o-mite!
All that other stuff aside, sit-down and talk about it by candlelight, good wine, and soft music. She doesn't need to hear how good you are at it, she needs to see it in action. Nothing like being coached and coaxed by your partner. Ask her to tell you what she likes, what she needs more of, and exactly how she wants you to do it. You're not listening, you're too busy being a know-it-all. You're jumping to the conclusion she means prolonged intercourse. I believe it's that, and some other things. Shut your mouth, and be all ears for a change.
How about oral, licking, kissing, massaging, fingers, hands, tongues, and lips? Not probing around with a bunch of odd-shaped plastic or rubber tools! Nature equipped us with everything we need. If you don't have the stamina, compensate for it doing whatever she "commands" you to do. Are you up to the challenge, or afraid of what she might ask for? I think asking for it 12 times per week could mean different ways and a variety of positions. Sometimes let her do all the work!
If it turns-out your sweetie-pie is an insatiable sex-addict...tap-out, cry uncle, and wave toodles! See her in the funny papers!!! You're only human, and your credentials as a bonafide sex-enthusiast and kinkster remain in-tact!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2019): OP here. Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply.
9 out of 10 times she DOES orgasm. I'm talking about midnight on a Wednesday with work early in the morning. Usually there's plenty of foreplay, massaging, candles, etc. but some days there's just not enough time to pull out all the tricks.
Quality over quantity is great, but she wants both and that hardly leaves any time left for us to do anything but have sex. I like sex, but I like other things too...
I put a lot of effort into making sure she's satisfied and I think that any reasonable person would say we have lots of sex. So it feels bad when she throws it back in my face.
Either way, I talked to her about it and I think her and I are on the same page for now. Thanks again everyone for your replies.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2019): No offense to chigirl, but it can be hard to determine if some women are close or even HAVE orgasmed because not everyone shows outward signs.Some just like to lie there and take it and not make much noise or movement. It isn't that they aren't enjoying things, it just that they aren't really the pork actress type.My partner is not all that sexually adventurous these days, comes with the territory of having a toddler and very little time for anything else, and often prefers to just have a bland missionary sex. She orgasms most all the time, and admittedly I do as well. Missionary is about the only position she actually orgasms from outside of me going down on her.And sometimes it is passionate and lustful like it was in the beginning, they way I would have it EVERY time. But things slow down, it's just natural. NO HUMAN can keep up sex 12 times a week. It is a physical impossibility. Not with jobs, kids, waning desire from too much of a good thing.If she thinks 12 times a week is an achievable thing, she needs to see a medical professional, because it is too much to expect someone to live up to that.It is great that she knows what she wants sexually, but if what she wants is wild, hours long passionate sex with multiple orgasms every of the 12 times a week, then she is going to go through life very disappointed unless she marries a sex-bot.But most people here are right, this is something you both need to sit down and talk about. Talk about each other's expectations, what you both want out of this and try find an acceptable compromise.Chigirl would have us all be mind readers, but a lot of the time, women just don't show outward signs of sexual pleasure if being a wildcat isn't their thing. And talk and communication is the only way to resolve this.Anon
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (1 November 2019):
 There is an ego driven tendency in men to try and master any situation. It feels good to succeed in every thing we try. In sex this leads us to being super people pleasers. Many men are mor interested in their partnes orgasam than ion their own, It's the shot buzzer in basket ball, it's sinking that golf ball, it's a win.
The situation in this case is this: A guy who is good at the game, who has a long history of achieving the goal, who in short, has a lot of ticks in the W column, has just been handed a L. He's not too happy about how it was delivered.
As coaches and fans you are all telling him that he just didn't try hard enough. That somehow his winning skills, were just not applied to this game? All I'm saying is the deck was stacked. But hey, maybe that's not the right thing to say.
So I'll give it a new approach.
Hey slugger, it's a tough game some days. Sometimes things just don't go right. You are going to have some disappointing performances. As your coach/advisor, I'm going to suggest what all the fans are saying. Communicate! and if she continues to refuse communication, take a page from the # me too book and stop until she does. I'm pretty sure you had something in your bag of tricks that would put her over the top. You've got to ask her what it is. You may have to say, "is this what you need?" 100 times before she will give you a nod. She is resisting talking about her needs because she has the crazy mixed up, but very common romantic notion that you will just guess right.
Honestly this relationship is on the brink, You don't have the time resources to fill her needs. But if you really want that W, get back in there with some communication skill, and don't give up (communicating) until she gives you the word.
But a word of caution, she seems pretty upset, the word might be "NO".
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 November 2019):
 What, you mean to tell me that with all your research and kinksters club and what not, you still haven't figured out how to give a woman an orgasm?
Listen, you obviously ARE lacking in bed, if you need her to TELL you when she's had an orgasm or not. Trust me, if she's had an orgasm, you'd know. If she needs to tell you, then she's lied to you.
What do you mean you can only go on for "so long"? Dont tell me, you're one of those men who still thinks, after no matter how many times we tell you it's wrong, that you need to make her come with your penis?
Listen up, women do NOT get an orgasm through intercourse. No, really, we don't. There's a very rare occasion that it can happen, but it's like 1 in 1000. If you have all those "high end toys", did you happen to buy any that will actually help her achieve orgasm? Oh, and newsflash, women do not like to use toys that you've used on other women. Go with her to a sex shop and buy something for her together, like the bullet vibrator. Or practice your skills with your tongue, or use both.
And then another newsflash for you, stop the "research". You can't research your way into being good in bed. It's about chemistry and passion and lust. Not books and know-how. Touch should be based on how her body responds and what feels good, not based on what you researched somewhere. Experiment with her body, expplore her body, figure out what she likes that you also like. If she moans, you know you're on the right track.
If you haven't broken an sweat when you've had sex, then it's not good enough. Good, or GREAT sex, is always steamy, cant get your hands off each other, passionate, eager, lustful, filled with moans and good noises, smiles and heavy panting. If you're both laying there quietly and she's more concerned about how her hair looks, then it's not gonna work. No matter how much reasearch you do. If there's sexual chemistry, you dont need her to tell you, you will know.
Maybe you're not as good in bed as you think, or maybe she's not that good in bed, or maybe you and her just dont have that sexual chemistry and your bodies dont match up. What do I know. But at least try to change your game a bit, and screw the research for a moment. Knowing a lot of facts about sex doesn't make you good in bed. Knowing when your partner is reaching an orgasm and knowing how to get her there, now THAT is being good in bed.
For example, when I give blowjobs, I dont need a man to warn me that he's coming. I can tell by his breathing. I can tell by the way his body tenses. I can tell by the way his penis hardens a bit extra. I havent gone down on a woman as much as on men, but the times I have I can tell it works sort of the same. She moans, she pants, her breath quickens or she holds it, her body tenses, her vagina tightens and pulsates etc. Listen to the body. Feel the reaction.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (1 November 2019):
 In many posts there is a thing - or things - which jump out at me. This post is no different. In this case, it is the phrase "I can only go for so long". I have to wonder if you feel that just "pumping away" for as long as possible will get your girlfriend off? Have you two had a discussion about what she NEEDS to bring her to orgasm? Most women find it hard, if not impossible, to orgasm through penetration alone.
While running a kink club is all well and good, I have to wonder if you ever learned the finer techniques of sex, not just the ones associated with bondage, etc. Do you know, for instance, how and where your girlfriend likes to be touched? Do you know how and where she likes to be licked? Do you know what positions she particularly enjoys? Everyone is different so it is unfair to expect you to know what pleases her if she is not prepared to share this information with you.
Like some of the others have said, I think you need to concentrate on quality over quantity. More of the same is not going to make any difference to your girlfriend. You two need to communicate.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 November 2019):
 I have to agree with jls022,
While she IS being sulky and selfish, it's nothing like the guy who is borderline abusive and refuses to see his GF if she doesn't want to stay and be his sex-toy for the weekend.
BUT I do agree that we TEND to look at MEN who ask for a LOT of sex, as sex pests and women who do the same, as "just horny" or having a higher drive.
TO OP, if what she is asking for is something YOU are not interested in, doesn't think is realistic (which I totally get as you really don't spend THAT much time together in person to even HAVE the time for all the sex) then again, talk to her. If she is unreasonable, then maybe she isn't for you.
MANY women NEVER get to orgasm from penetrative sex. Many need a LOT of foreplay. IF she is frustrated it's NOT just your "fault". As it takes two. You having run a "kink-club" has nothing to DO with your ability to satisfy your partner. And if YOU get off every time and she doesn't, I can see where frustration can build. Though having more sex... won't usually FIX this. Talking and trying other things, VERBALIZING what she NEEDS you to do to bring HER to climax too can do a lot more than pouting and acting bratty.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (31 October 2019):
To Fatherly Advice, if the situation were the same I’d completely agree with you but in my view it’s not.
If a woman wrote in here saying her boyfriend was pissed off that she had ended sex after she orgasmed without asking if he was also happy with that, I’d have the exact same advice for her. Sex shouldn’t be over until both partners are satisfied (unless they are both happy to stop at that point). I’m sure many posters would be pretty harsh on the woman too, suggesting it’s cruel to get her partner so aroused then leave him with blue balls. Because women are expected to suck it up if they don’t orgasm all the time but men, not so much.
In my view, this is a quality over quantity issue that’s worth trying to resolve before throwing in the towel. The OPs girlfriend might have asked for more sex, but the sex she’s having isn’t great if she’s not orgasming so having more won’t actually help with that. I’d suggest trying to make sex better for her first and seeing if that helps. THEN if there is still a mismatch they can deal with the fact they might be incompatible.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (31 October 2019):
If a woman had posted this, As has happened twice in the past few weeks. The sex demander would be written off as abusive and demanding and only thinking about their own pleasure.
Honestly I don't see any difference here. OP's new Girlfriend wants more than he feels is reasonable in a relationship. She is not demonstrative enough in her habits to let him know when she orgasms. Instead she sulks for hours then unloads on him when he can't defend himself.
Like the other posts in the recent weeks what we have here is an unreasonable demanding partner who is getting abusive. The relationship is not sexually compatible. If I was in OP's shoes, I would be looking at a break up rather than shopping for christmas presents.
The advice given to the women posters should apply here. Block her numbers, and stop setting up dates with her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 October 2019):
I think you and her need to TALK about this.
She need to HELP you help her, achieve her needs fulfilled. Maybe she LIKES certain things sexually but hasn't really expressed it properly to you. Just saying, I'm frustrated is not really helpful and makes it sound like it's ALL your fault.. but sex takes two people. So SHE needs to EXPRESS what she NEEDS you to do more off. Maybe it's more foreplay to get her motor going before actual sex, maybe it's the positions you two have used etc.
TALK or you can't help HER fix this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2019): The clue was in the statement, 'I can only go on for so long.'
As soon as I read that I felt I knew what is happening here.
It is VERY unusual for a woman to achieve orgasm through penetrative sex. Our clitorises are not positioned correctly for stimulation through penetration.
Maybe you know this already and I'm sorry if I'm telling you something you already know, but with your statement about being able to go on for only so long, it lead em to believe that maybe you don't know this.
The best sex for me and for most women I believe, is when a man uses his tongue and his fingers and lubricant on our erogenous zones and get us to orgasm before he even enters us. That way she's had an orgasm and you need go on for only as long as you like.
I think sometimes it's a bit of a shock for a man to realise that their penises have very little to do with OUR enjoyment. The penis is the pinnacle I believe of a man's pleasure, but it isn't so for women. It's nice to be penetrated and it feels great, but it rarely brings us to orgasm.
Lots of slow, unhurried foreplay, where you mix up what you're playing with, when and how can bring us to blow your socks off orgasms.
It's great that even though she feels sexually frustrated, she wants to keep on having sex. Sometimes women just give up. The amount she wants it is strange though, especially if she isn't enjoying it like she wants to. And totally unfeasible.
Concentrate on bringing her to orgasm BEFORE you penetrate her and she might well then be so satisfied, that she doesn't feel she needs sex so often.
It amuses and baffles me where people get these figures from. Why 12? Has she heard that somewhere? She has to realise she is in a relationship with a human being, not a robot and that frequency is nowhere near as important as quality.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (31 October 2019):
Also I meant to say, you say this is giving you second thoughts about your relationship. To that I ask you - do you really love her? Because if having to do a bit of work to find out what she likes and make sure she is enjoying your sex life as much as you are feels like too much effort, I’d suggest she’s probably the wrong one.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (31 October 2019):
Ok so the frequency she has asked for is obviously not feasible, but I think if you can increase the QUALITY of the sex you are having, you’ll find she’ll be much more satisfied.
The first thing that jumps out about your post is that you say you don’t know if she has an orgasm unless she tells you. That’s not really acceptable to be honest. If you don’t know, why aren’t you asking her? There seems to be a mindset amongst many people that sex is over once the man orgasms, but maybe she’s not finished yet and needs you to use your hands/mouth/one of your fancy sex toys to get her there? I can assure you, there is nothing sexy about a man who rolls off after sex and assumes it’s job done when the woman hasn’t got there yet. It screams of selfishness and will build resentment as time goes on.
I’m sure some people will disagree with this and say that the onus should be on her to tell you that she isn’t done yet, but what most women actually want is for you to think about that on your own without her having to point it out. Which I think is fair, after all a person in a loving relationship shouldn’t have to remind their partner that their pleasure is also important, surely?!
Which brings me to the next thing. You referenced a few times the length of your sex sessions. This is a thing I hear men do time and time again, as there seems to be another common mindset that longer session = better sex. This could not be further from the truth. While it can be frustrating to have a partner finish in 2 minutes when you’re just getting warmed up, it’s actually worse to have someone banging away for an hour whilst hitting the entirely wrong spot.
You need to shift your mindset from marathon sessions and start to include lots of foreplay beforehand. In fact, I’d recommend you try to get your girlfriend to orgasm before you even get near full sex so you can then go ahead with no pressure to get her there during sex. Because I’m sure I don’t need to tell a sex enthusiast such as yourself that most women can’t physically orgasm through PIV sex alone, right?
I’m being a bit glib obviously, but my point is your girlfriend is telling you she isn’t currently having a fulfilled sex life with you, and by your description it sounds like you are doing the typical male thing of assuming what works for you will work for her (unlikely); and that she will speak up at the time if you leave her hanging (again unlikely). The fact she is acting annoyed shows this is something that is already causing a bit of resentment on her part. So it’s not something you can ignore or hope will get better by chance.
The good news is, she has told you. Now you know and can do something about it. Many women don’t say anything about mediocre sex and end up going off sex altogether and assuming they just weren’t that sexual in the first place. This leaves both parties feeling frustrated and resentful, when an honest and ego-free conversation is all it would have taken to solve it early on.
Good luck OP.
...............................
|
