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Is working on these two commercials together ruining our relationship?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 August 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 31 August 2015)
A female age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've been dating my boyfriend for two years. He is a film major and I am in art school.

This year, my uncle offered us a job doing 2 commercials for a product. its been going poorly and ruining our relationship. My boyfriend feels as if he is doing all the work. Since he knows film and writing scripts, I've been having a hard time keeping up.

For one of our commericals, he essentially took over and filmed the entire thing. For another commercial, I'm in charge of designing sets. I've never done this before and it's going incredibly slowly. Not only this but its not even looking good and i'm forced to say that i dont think it will work out.

My boyfriend started yelling at me. Saying i will never be successful in life, that i will never have a job like my successful friends because i never take initiative and that i can never expect to get anywhere in life.

not only this, but he wants the money that we were paid back because i essentially did nothing for the first commercial.

i've told him that i honestly dont know what to do and that he's not helping when i need help. he thinks its an issue of me being half assed and not committing. i insist that its not my skill set, that i dont know what to do or how to handle it.

everything i do isn't turning out the way he envisioned. i'm afraid of letting my uncle down and now i'm afraid of losing money i already spent on rent.

this is hurting my self esteem and i really dont know what to do at this point

View related questions: money, self esteem

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (31 August 2015):

Denizen agony auntI disagree with previous submissions that you shouldn't take on jobs for which you aren't qualified. In fact you should always challenge yourself in artistic work. You should always be working outside your comfort zone. That's how you progress.If you fall flat, you learn the lessons and don't repeat them.

Your uncle gave you an opportunity, and you took it. Good for you. However your partner has been less than helpful.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2015):

To be honest you should not have taken on a project that you obviously have no clue what to do in. You should have taken a commission for getting him the job but left him alone to do tbe project, to be frank no wonder he got mad, he's obviously stressed because he's been lumped with all the work when he thoight it would be shared between two equally anf on top of that you're getting paid half. It's unfair.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 August 2015):

It might have been an better idea that you didn't take on a project you know you didn't have the skills and qualifications for in the first place.

You could have let your uncle know that you don't have any training in any of the areas you were assigned. Although your boyfriend was aptly qualified to handle his part. So you could have taken on lighter duties. You were trying to prove something, and couldn't. You bit off more than you could chew, simply to be with your boyfriend. Hoping it would be fun or romantic. It wasn't. The moment you knew you couldn't do it, was when you should have quit; or asked for help.

Your boyfriend's arrogance and insensitivity was off the charts. He had no right to speak to you in that manner, under any circumstances. He has poor managing skills; and you don't motivate people by insulting and belittling them. If he was half as talented as he thinks he is, he might have given you the job of quality control or assistant. A second set of eyes and consultation for sake of opinion; is good when you're creating something like a commercial. You are a viewer, and that would have been challenging as well as supportive in your joint-venture. Instead, he went on a rant; and made a pure unadulterated jackass of himself. Feel free to tell him I said so. He apparently doesn't perform well under pressure; and thinks this must come off as being some sort of perfectionist. He's a jerk.

When you're working together, you are in a different environment. You are not in a romantic-relationship during the time the task is at hand. It's strictly business.

In business, a boss will and can be harsh. It is likely in the film industry, where there are huge egos; there may be the use of swearing, tantrums, and frequent use of a poor choice of words. However; that is a totally different environment, and that isn't the style true professionals use these days. However; you should learn to toughen-up, because in the real-world, people do come-off just like he did. If they sign the check, they feel they have the right.

As for giving him money back? Is he out of his mind? You get a finder's fee for even getting him the job in the first place. If your uncle knew he went off on you like that, it might be he who would be forfeiting the money he made. Not you! He gets a real film project to put on his resume. All because of you and your uncle.

Now, separate your relationship and place it in proper perspective. Have a talk with him and tell him exactly how you feel about the abusive language and his whole attitude about how you did the job. He had his say, you deserve yours.

You shouldn't stand and allow him, or anyone else, to go off on you like that. You should end it, and leave that very moment; or ask him to calm down and address you properly. That kind of verbal assault was unjustified, and it was an overreaction. You didn't help by hanging on to a job you couldn't do, and it made him look bad somewhat. He probably did have to clean-up after you. What I find unfair about it all, is he could have enlisted some help in the areas he knew you were unprepared to do. He knew other students who could.

Have a serious talk, and make sure he is respectful of your feelings at all times. He must also respect you as a fellow human being. Meanwhile; toughen-up...because in the real workaday world, you just may get blasted; if a project isn't done properly. And if you knowingly took on a job you had no clue what you were doing.

It could be costly, and may even get you and/or your employer fired. It's best to admit when you don't have the skills to do a particular type of work at the very start; so you can be replaced, or given some assistance.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (30 August 2015):

Denizen agony auntI think someone once said it is better to make a friend out of a business partner than a business partner out of a friend, and for the very reasons you are experiencing.

In work relationships you have to agree to defer to each other in certain areas. In other words you call the shots in some areas, he in others according to your expertise.

He needs to be reminded that shouting at you is unhelpful, and damaging.

If you need extra advice go to your uncle and explain what is happening. He can step in, mediate, and get the thing back on track.

Your boyfriend seems to be trying to take on an archetypal male dominant role. He is probably worried the project is losing momentum.

You need to step up and play your part. Learn the lessons here.

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