| A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: I’ve always heard that one of the golden rules of first dates is to never talk about exes. But often on first dates (or during online dating app pre-date talking), I'm asked about past relationships like how long did it last? why did it end? etc. And if I try to dodge the question they come back with more questions. Just wondering what people’s opinion is. Is this just a standard get to know you style question or is it a trap set to trick me in to breaking this golden rule? Should I stick to my question dodging and turn the conversation to something else? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 July 2020):
 Anon Female,
I find YOU or rather your story kind of naïve. WHAT man would TELL someone he was chatting with over an app/online that he had be charged with assault?
Now if she had run a background check and found the details then it find it WAY more believable.
But the thing is OP has every "right" to not want to talk about past relationship. I HIGHLY doubt the average person who has something "sinister" or shady to hide.. will honestly and free give that information to a stranger they hope to "date" or hook up with.
Also who wants to spend a date hearing about another woman or man? That your potential love interest had an intimate relationship with?
Sure, OP can "miss out" on some women who DO want the "juicy details" of his past dating life, but your past relationships is hardly a verifiable Curriculum Vitae that can ensure the guy is "legit" or a "decent" person.
People tend to spin a tale that doesn't make THEM look bad when talking about a break up or past relationship.
Only over time will the truth come out.
If a girl thinks a guy not wanting to talk about exes is suspicious, then hopefully she won't take it any further and he can move on to someone who has similar value or "rules" for dating.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (9 July 2020):
 So gals, If he doesn't want to talk about his exe's which reply should he use?
- I've never been to jail if that is what you are asking.
- My ex was an incurable gossip and always pestered everyone for the juicy details.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2020): I find some of the other replies to your question naive.
Let us say that you are a young woman on a dating site and have a choice of fifty men you get to know and date - it is often more than fifty. They might tell you what they look like, because men are visual and never get that women are more into real things, things other than looks. The average man on a dating site is not good at giving information, he tends to go by wow her photo is great, she has a big bust and long legs, long blonde hair and she is young, she will do for me.
One of my friends was recently on a dating site.
A good looking man asked her to meet him. IF she had gone by his age and looks only she would have said wow and met him. But she was sensible and asked him why his previous relationship had ended and how long it lasted. He did not want to say, so she asked again. And hey presto, he had gone to prison for beating her up, and she had an injunction against him. A very important piece of information. Far more important than his age and what he looked like. And, being sensible, she did not meet him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2020): I agree with you. I don’t believe a first date is the appropriate time to discuss past relationships. You don’t know that person well enough to open up about a personal topic like that. That said, I wouldn’t dodge questions about it either. It will seem like you have something to hide from the other person, even if you do not. I would just tell them you prefer not to discuss past relationships at this time, that you are on a date with them, and that’s where your interest is. If they won’t let it go, they’re looking to judge you on your past and not how you treat them.
One last bit of advice: When the time comes that you do discuss your past relationships with each other, and they make themselves out to be a victim in every relationship they had, run.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (8 July 2020):
 Funny how we all have different "rules". One of my own pet hates is, when you meet/talk to someone socially for the first time, they ask you what you do for a living, yet you would be surprised how many people open with that. I am not my job. I would rather someone asked me what I like to eat or drink, what makes me passionate, and, yes, even about my previous relationships. We are all different, I guess.
If you do not wish to talk about previous relationships, simply shut down that conversation. Say something like "I don't like to dwell on the past. Let's talk about what we would both like from a future relationship."
It's often difficult to know what to talk about with someone you don't know well. People who are shy, especially, may have prepared questions beforehand to ask to stop the conversation faltering. If I was out on a first date, I would see it as a huge red flag if someone talked about their ex all night, or asked me lots of questions about mine. However, I would not see it as at all intrusive or wrong to touch on the subject of past relationships as I would want to try to check out that the guy sitting opposite me was single and it would ring rebound alarm bells if he was freshly out of a relationship. While I would not, at that point, wish to know about his previous relationships in any detail, i would want to know that they were completely over before I invested any time or emotion in a relationship with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 July 2020):
I don't think anyone is trying to trick you, I think it's part curiosity and part nosiness.
I think it's fair enough to say :"I really only want two people in the relationship, you and me, not the exes of either of us."
I think there are people who spend WAY too much time talking about an ex and what she/he did wrong to them. For me that is a sign that they haven't processed it in a healthy manner.
BUT sometimes I can see why hearing that you (general you) have had longer relationships in the past not just on night stands, or that you don't totally smack talk an ex, or if you cheated before. It might be a good way to faster create an image of you (general you).
You don't HAVE to talk about exes. They are exes for a reason. It didn't work out. The end.
Someone being nosy or curious doesn't mean you OWE them all the details.
I wouldn't avoid the questions, but I'd shut them down. If at some point LATER in the relationship where YOU want to talk about your ex, you can.
Sounds like a good rule to keep exes out of the picture.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (8 July 2020):
 You can say something along the lines of what my now husband said to me when we were dating and I was asking about his ex wife. "Sweetie, this relationship is you and me. I wouldn't talk about you if we parted and I prefer not to talk about my ex. She is in the past". He would only answer basic questions and then that was it. It isn't that he was trying to hide anything he just felt that beyond basics why did I need to know?
Unless something medical or something horrific happened, you don't need to go into details. I'll be honest women are in general much more noisy than men about former partners.
You have every right to draw boundaries.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (8 July 2020):
So what is your reply?
If you suspect a trap, or if someone is simply pushing at your boundaries. Your reply should be, "I don't talk about former relationships at this point in our relationship."
BTW your boundary is reasonable and wise.
...............................
|
