A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am feeling so hurt and crushed right now. I had phone call exchange with my daughter who is ten years in age and lives with her dad at a hundred miles distance. My daughter has decided that when she comes to my home next fortnight, she only wants to come down for one day (even though it is written in court order that she is to stop for a full weekend every other week). She was asked to turn the TV of whilst here and then suddenly got really upset by the decision, resulting to feeling poorly and saying that she might need to go back home. I addressed my daughters needs whilst keeping a healthy adult child boundary in place. By the Saturday, we had a happy day, making cakes and jelly. My mom came round and brought her a ballon from her shop, a unicorn diary and colourful pen. On the Sunday, I took my daughter home on the train, checked in with her feelings and wellbeing asking her if she was ok and had had a nice time. Today I finally managed to speak with her over the phone and now she only wants to spent the day when she next comes to my home. She has stated her unhappiness with the TV being switched off and feels I called her spoilt. I tried to clear things up with her and said that I didn't call her spoilt and that it was just behaving behaving that way in the moment. There was conflict with her dad in recent times where I know he has stated that if for any reason she doesn't want to come here, she doesn't have to. I did call out to children services in the month of June approximately, to which they referenced parental alienation "classed as". In addition, I sense that recent confrontation has negatively impacted my daughter. I work towards checking in to see if shes, ok; how does she feel about stuff and what can I do to solve her problems.All of a sudden, she only wants to come for one day when we barley see each other and have gone for periods of time without seeing each other (due to her dad saying that she wouldn't be coming to my home with the covid-19 lockdown in place). I am taking appropriate channels legally, but can't deny feeling hurt. What is the best way to behave accordingly for my daughters child development being met in the healthiest possible way. Would beyond appreciate some feedback right now. I feel really hurt, confused, freighted and frustrated; uncertain how to regulate triggered anxiety by today's events.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2020): Suit yourself. Keep filing reports and complaints. It's you they're watching...not me! The child's welfare comes first and foremost. I hope you're putting forth your best; because you're drawing more attention to yourself than you should. You're still missing the point. Honestly, all the other stuff you've said; I have no idea what you're talking about!
I wish you the best! I'm done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTbh wiseowl, if anything, your likely picking up on my 'vibe' that I am finding your 'vibe' to be NEGATIVE!!
I think the universe is motivating me to take my energy in the opposite direction and work on personal dreams and aspirations instead...
Have you ever heard of F.U.Money... if you haven't, look it up and you will see that most people will never make their F.U.Money...
Moreso, people who are passionate about creating a successful life on all the levels that matter don't have time to go into the in's and out's as to why their ex has breached the court order and how all authorative thrid-party services have actually appointed the direction of it being a matter for court.
Anyway, I have work to do and 'F.U.future' to create'...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2020): If there are legitimate issues to be addressed; child-protection authorities will make that assessment. I still see tit-for-tat as the only reason this is going-on. If there is impropriety on either side of this; that will be determined by the court and child-protection authorities. I speculate the child is likely to end-up in foster-care. The situation seems too volatile, and your stories are somewhat contradictory. The child seems to prefer being with her father, regardless of your allegations. You seem resentful of that; though you claim you're fine with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell first off! There was no affair with my daughters dad's friend that was loarded in his face. It was merely sexual attraction and this was after good year after the relationship.
You could say sorry 1000 times over to my ex, but it would just be a game on his part! One which I am no longer willing to participate in full stop.
I lost the best years of my youth over ten year's ago and as an adult I choose to stop.
Confrontational and argumentative, I am not, so have to question, why did allow for myself to be drawn in time aftmllownd time again.
As a girl, having an opinion was not an option. Manipulation in the form of people pleasing might have been as far as twisting people got¡¿
Nevertheless, now that my mental health is full of strength and feeling happy and goal orientated, I'm in no mood for being manipulated by anyone; be that of someone age 10 or 35.
As mentioned, I have built up a case, all authentic and with integrity in mind. If the courts alternate anything then I will be able to rest my mind in peace at night, knowing I didn't do anything wrong.
Moreso, I trust that the universe has my back and if it means spending less time with my daughter, it means that life has other plans for me; there are no mistakes in the universe.
It was actually my TV programme that I switched off. All has been resolved prior to this point.
My daughter had never once complained about spending time with me and wanting less time, until her dad got her own the phone saying she's sad with no food being in the house.
My mom has bared witness to this being completely untrue. If that isn't a head funk to a little girls mind then I don't know what is.
All I know is that I hadn't done anything wrong and ironc that the universe has given me legal aid for domesticated issues this time; I'm beginning to think the universe must really have my back right now.
I don't need to do tit-for-tat with anyone, other than comparing myself to who I was yesterday in terms of personal growth.
Her dad has made a point in the past of saying "who spaghetti bolonace is better, mommy or daddy's", etc, etc, etc.
As mentioned, I have abcerlury no control over his behaviour. Have reached out to the police.
Whatever happens, I can be responsible for my own behaviour only. Will he ever stop with his aggressiveness, that is his problem only. I have my own life path to deal with and happy for that.
I have already rang social-services, have rang NSPCC, because it wasn't right with comments made and my daughter being in the middle of confrontation. I left year's ago, to get away from it.
There is nothing I can do with regards to his behaviour and he's made the decision to have the court order changed. I have the right to enforce it on my behalf and especially where healthy blundaidrws are concerned.
If things do 'not go in my favour', then know that I have already told myself, I need to do the right thing, even if things do not work in my favour.
My mom is very spiritual and says we pick our families out of a selection, prior to reincarnating onto the earth plane -- which will help us most in terms of spiritual growth.
I haven't got enough evidence to support her claim, or disprove it for that matter, but think that it's an intelligent way to highlight what way can my daughter grow and evolve the most in circumstances that have been her 'social norm' since 9 weeks after her birth...
If anything, she is in a much better position to being with one parent who is more socialised on his part, that stuck in an environment that would have been fulied with toxicity and abuse.
Just my thoughts...
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2020): I want to clarify my previous comments; so you'll have a fuller-understanding of the point I've been trying to make.
When one parent has the primary-custody of a child; the court is more apt to believe the one that was granted the live-in custody. Judges don't like admitting they made a bad-call when deciding child-custody cases. It becomes too apparent to the court who is being the most belligerent; and there has to be a judgement-call regarding who's causing the instability in the child's life.
Too many complaints being filed back and forth between the two of you will suddenly raise eyebrows and concerns about whether the child belongs in the care of either of you. Don't be surprised when child-protection authorities start sending out their social-workers to investigate. The child is the one they'll be asking most of the questions; and that's what I'm warning you both about. She can be removed from both of you, and placed in foster-care.
I know you two have your issues; but your constant tit-for-tat is a toxic-environment for the child. She is the most important individual in this mess! You must also bear in-mind; little-girls tend to develop very close relationships with their fathers. From such sprung the term "daddy's little-girl!" He has more than enough time with her to influence how she thinks, spoil her with his time, and permissive parenting-style. Maybe he does poison her mind against you as well.
If you had an in-your-face affair with his friend; don't presume the child is oblivious to the fact that's not so nice, and she realizes it's not what mommies should do to daddies! Now do you get it? She's not stupid; a 10 year-old girl has the understanding of nearly a teenager. They are very good at manipulation and being vengeful. You were her age once, so think back!
I was only suggesting to be careful about constantly engaging in emotional and psychological-combat with her father; because your daughter is in the fall-out. She will corroborate with his side of things; and no matter what he does wrong, he has her to backup his stories. They may not be favorable for you.
I've never met you, nor your ex; I cannot judge you, but I can speculate on one thing. If he ever got a sincere apology from you; it probably would have minimized the animosity shared between you. There is his pride, and an equal-amount of vindictiveness on both-sides, fueling the feud between two parents.
The saddest part of this tragedy, is that there is an innocent little-girl in the middle. She may know how to manipulate and play both-sides against each other; but she is still only a child. She is trying to make the best of the situation thrust upon her. She is powerless, and at the mercy of two people doing their best to take her from other. Intent on undermining and hurting one-another.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe only reason I need to go back to court is to ENFORCE the order; meaning, have continuing contact with her, if that is what she wants of course.
How her dad behaves, I have abcerlutly no control over and the thing is, he will never stop with the aggressiveness or tactile behaviour.
Talk negatively to my daughter about her dad, I say nothing!! I have abcerlutly no need to start arguments, pick fault or create difficulties with anyone. If anything, I've been far too malleable in the past, to the point of boundaries being trampled on.
It was me who walked away from the 8 year domesticated relationship 9 weeks after my daughters birth. Did I do anything to stop contact or put blockages in the path of their relationship... NO! Did I get legal help and support from the person when I left in the past... NO! Did I ever say "your not seeing your daughter and call X, Y, Z shots in terms of child care arrangements, NO! Did I put up with a shit load of verbal abuse no matter what gold I did, YES! Would there be plenty of mom's who would say manipulate circumstances just because they can, YES!
If you want to know the truth, I wasn't a faithful girlfriend to him! Had slept with his friend many many months after the relationship split. I messaged his friends on social media slating man hood, etc, just to say the least.
His self-image as a man must have really suffered and I know deep down that up is getting his 'revenge'... he stated in phone call "we have ruined each others lives".
He perceives that he has ruined my life by having full-access to child-care (I would anticipate). He is clearly damaged by stating ruined each others life (as if that's how he feels in perception of his reality).
Truth is, my beliefs are spiritual in nature and I am massively into personal growth and development. To fathom that my life has been ruined by events that have happened, seems minute on the full scope of existence.
He doesn't need to commit to acts of revenge; by mental laws of the universe (metaphysically) karma returns to the sender. I have already payed my karma back in mental health and creating a future to be proud of.
My daughters dad though has no values towards personal growth and development so won't be in a position to think how is his behaviour having an impact on our daughters development.
I question myself all the time and strive to be a better person for myself and daughter.
Given that information, why would I need to present challenges to my ex when I am fully aware for the universal Law of Cause and Effect (just to say the least).
Further more, he has said that he will no longer be complying with the court order. Based on my current income and the amount of time our daughter stays with me, he isn't entitled to child maintenance at this point in time. He doesn't like it and by starting an argument from that point, he will no longer be bringing my daughter to stop.
Ironic, it was me who rang child maintenance but he hasn't chased things up. Ironic that it's a laughing matter that there are no BabyBells and Dairy Lea Dunkers in my home and she isn't being fed, yet real concern should make any parent reach out instantly with genuine concern. Ironic that if your genuinely concerned for the other parents mental health then active steps are taken for child's welfare, but now there is a problem out of the blue (nothing that was ever addressed).
If I don't have the court order enforced on my part, then when are healthy boundaries supposed to come into place. At what does the manipulation stop where arguments are sparked on a random to a disadvantage.
Anyone who looks for win-win (to create) and ways to problem solve do not create problems and win-lose dynamics.
I know my intent is pure and words make up for 7% of communication.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso! He has made alergations regarding my mental health, which he is supposed to use his best endeavors to check with my doctor to see if this is the case (it was never done).
The thought has crossed my mind that our daughter is doing exactly what you've stated: putting us off against each...
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWise Owl,I didn't ignore your post.
I am NOT starting a court proceeding to her dad into trouble and pit the daughter we share together in trouble.
He has already stated on his part that he wants to go back court to get the order moved and has send abusive text's in past aledging negligence with my daughter being in my care and then writing hahaha in text incongruently.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2020): My heart goes out to that poor child. Your resentment and competition towards her father is going to be costly to both you, and her father. You're forgetting she has a mind of her own; and she's pitting the both of you against each other to get what she wants. That's just a kid's logic; but you're getting lawyer's involved, and now trying to build a case against her father. You ignored my post, fine...but you'll see the final outcome. Who she loves and wants to be with is in her heart, and her choice.
Do you really think getting her father into trouble is going to help anything? She's the one who doesn't want to spend time with you. Your posts tell it all.
Don't get me wrong. Nobody can go-up against a mother's love; but when anger and bitterness taints that love. It becomes hurtful to the children involved. It backfires, and you get the opposite of what you're aiming for.
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reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 July 2020):
 Kids, who's parents went through a rough divorce have a lot to try and sort out. From loyalty, trust, respect but also to testing boundaries.
I don't think a CHILD should be in charge of YOUR house rules. I have older kids (youngest is 16) and they STILL have rules for TV time, no tech at meal times (so no being on the phone at the dinner table). Does it mean I won't occasionally bend the rules a little? Of course not.
My guess is that her dad let's her do what SHE wants, in order to "gain" favor with her. People who had a nasty or hard divorce quite often use their kids to hurt the ex. So yes, he could be using HER to hurt you.
I would suggest that your solicitor perhaps finds a mediator? So you and your ex can set some ground rules for the BETTERMENT of your shared child's happiness.
There might also be other things going on. With her being home from school her social life is kind of shattered at the moment so she might also be a brat because she misses her friends, teachers, etc. So I'd also look at something education to do together perhaps?
My kids and I have made sourdough from scratch, we failed at first but now? we rock some amazing loaves! We live near a beach so we go to the beach (usually in the evening as there are less people but still warm enough, thus safer than in the middle of the day), we have been sewing together (none of us are really any good but we are trying, embroidery is next:)
You definitely (perhaps best in the form of your solicitor) need to have a conversation with your ex. What he is doing is NOT what's best for your child. She needs to BOTH of you. Even if you are no longer together.
I hope you get this sorted out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoney-Pie, there is a specific issues order in place, meaning that I am not able to take her out of the school she currently attends.
This is in connection to being poorly in 2015 and needing hospital treatment, whilst putting her in his care over the Christmas period, then.
I totally agree with what you've wrote, activities can also happens outside the front room and away from the TV. I am happy to work with a healthy balance.
On Wednesday just gone, I spoke to a solicitor and getting help through that chanel.
The solicitor stated that there does need to be adult child boundaries in place and that it isn't necessarily helpful for a child to go running back to her dad to potentially say "mommy has done this and mommy has done that", etc.
I used the analogy to my mom that if she was playing with a box of matches she would need adult guidance and clear boundaries.
Ironc, as my daughter has never had any issue with coming to my home prior to what her dad has said within recent time. Days before events, she text writing "you are my hero".
Nevertheless, I am documenting everything and have solid factual dates and hoping for a none-molestation order to be put in place so no more cohesive abuse can happen as a result of having a relationship with my daughter.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 July 2020):
Why not focus on OTHER activities to do together instead of the TV? Like baking together. Learning to crochet or go for hikes, picnic outside (or the living room), museums, etc.
I don't think having a time limit on TV time is strange, but if you offer NOTHING else for her to do, I can see how she might be bored a bit.
Also, you have no idea what your ex is either telling her directly or she is overhearing. She is 10 she old enough to understand certain things. Parents often forget that kids are little sponges with BIG ears. They DO pay attention.
Can I ask what the reason is that HE has the majority of custody? Because that might also play into why she is pulling away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2020): Wow.What a pickle.Listen I do not want to hurt your feelings but maybe she needed a break and tv helps her relax.I would let her watch.Do you want to risk seeing your daughter at all over a little tv watching?Pick your battles this is not the hill to die on.If you are afraid of parental alienation get a hold of the court and request family therapy...it would be good for all of you.I get the vibe thru your letter that you may be a little too strict with your kid.Loosen up when she comes over.What she and you think is fun times might be different things.Have you ever asked her what she wanted to do? And if she just wants to spend the day watching Netflix in her pjs there is nothing wrong with that once in a while.Stop trying so hard and just have some no planned fun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2020): When parents are fighting, or having conflict; the child is sometimes forced to choose sides. Unfortunately, parents use children as pawns in the midst of their disagreements; when there are custody-disputes and court-ordered visitation-arrangements. You also have to handle your resentment for your ex. Subconsciously, your anger will manifest in subtle and involuntary-actions. Like angrily snapping. Telling her she can't do something, when she tells you what dad allows. Then enforcing your rules becomes a battle of wills; when all she knows is it's allowed when she's home with dad. It's confusing to a child when it's alright at home; then suddenly it's against all the rules elsewhere. They'd rather be at home!
It is apparent, when your daughter is with your ex; he eases restrictions on television, and other things the child likes to do. Children hate rules and discipline. They will choose the parent who lets them have their way. The one who caters to their wishes and whims becomes their favorite. The one who puts them to bed, coddles them, and gives them their primary-care are the ones they'll feel closest to. They are also influenced by the things they're told by the parent they spend the most time with. If she witnesses her father arguing with you on the phone, he is purposely allowing her to see how you make life difficult; but makes her believe all he wants to do is to make her happy. He also undermines your parenting-style, by playing victim when you initiate disagreements. You're both literally fighting over the child, right in-front of her!!! Her mind and judgement isn't developed enough to understand who's right and who's wrong. Only what makes her happy, or sad.
Don't blame the child, she's only 10 years old. She's only old enough to be manipulative, petty, and will play her hand when she sees you two going at it. That's her cue to get what she wants. The first thing she tells dad when she returns from a visit is, she can't watch TV. Guess what dad does? He lets her watch TV past bed-time. If you report him for this or that; he gets in trouble. She sees you as the mean one; but dad has no rules, and lets her watch all the TV she wants. Permissiveness will backfire, and she WILL become spoiled. It will comeback on him. Do evil to undermine others; and it's like spitting into the wind. It flies back in your face!
Don't criticize children when you really mean to criticize the other parent. Have civil discussions when you call. Remember, she may be somewhere within earshot. She might only hear one-side; or he might blast you on speaker, sounding angry and argumentative. She's only a kid!
Somehow you implied she was spoiled. She heard it somewhere! If she is, you have a right to tell her so. Also be mindful, that was a criticism of her father's parenting-style. She took it personally. If you don't like something he does, direct your concerns grown-up to grown-up. Standby your rules no matter what her reaction is. If she punishes you for discipline, she will become rotten for sure; knowing if she rebels or refuses to cooperate she can get her own way. You're the parent. She's under your care, not the other-way around! If he's undermining you, that's hard to prove.
One day is all she wants? Okay, fine! Take it or leave it! You can't force her to want to come. She will tire of dad and his bribes, and start to miss you. She's a kid, giving them what they want doesn't make them good children. They will still misbehave. She won't like being around you when you try too hard, and you're always emotionalizing and pouting. You come-off pushy and trying to wring and squeeze the love out of her! You're trying too hard to make her like you. Making her do things she's not really all that enthusiastic about. Ask her what she likes to do, and compromise. Do what she likes, if she will do what you like too. If I don't want to make jam, or do puzzles...how is it fun? You're forcing her to fit into your plans; and not being spontaneous, by letting her decide what's fun for her. Fun is not rigidly restricted, or confined according to an inflexible-schedule. Although, it can be set based upon certain rules that teach her responsibility; and set parameters for her safety and well-being.
Do not compete with, or correct, her dad's rules. Let her know that things are different when she is with you; and when she is with her father. If he has primary-custody, expect him to have more influence over her behavior; and she'll be more accustomed to their usual routines.
Your pouting and being crushed by a little girl is ridiculous. I can understand getting your feelings hurt, but get over it. Treasure the one day, if that's all she wants. Let her watch TV, but regulate the time and monitor what she watches. Get some good family-friendly movies to watch together.
If you want to reward her, let it be extra television for being good and spending time with you. Let her be the child, and YOU be the adult. Don't compete with her father, and don't mind what little Missy runs and tells dad. Children are grand manipulators at a very early age, and given to tantrums and fits even when only infants and toddlers. If she wants to spend less time with you, then you'll have to adapt to that. Wait until she decides she's miffed at daddy, and wants to spend more time with you. She'll become a teenager soon enough. Suddenly dad will find reason for her to spend more time with mum!
Be her mum, you're not there to marshal, critique, and evaluate her father's parenting-skills. When you two stop competing with each other, and stop using her as a pawn; you'll all find peace and harmony.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2020): You need to think of how your daughter feels and thinks right now at the age she is and how she will feel and think - probably - in ten years time. A child loves television, computer games, games, relaxing, having fun. If you try to stop them they resent it and see you as the enemy. I know that it would be nicer for her to want to spend more time talking to you, but at the age of ten she cannot talk to you all day and what would she be talking to you about? She will not want to get into talking about dad to you, or what happened between you, so it is very limited.
Play the long game. Make a fuss of her and let her do what she wants when she is with you and then she will want to stay longer. Then when she grows up and becomes a young teenager and then a young woman you will be closer and she won't resent you.
My grandmother used to demand that I go to visit her for a week every summer. When I got there we never left the house, there was nobody else there to be with, television was rationed, and there were no games or anything else to do. Next time the visit came up I refused to go.
I loved my grandmother but it was boring, very boring.
I never regret that choice.
Remember too that your daughter is putting her foot down to show you that she is growing up and has her own needs and feelings and is not a puppet.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2020): What a hard situation to be In OP.
But, the problem doesn’t lie with your daughter. YOU and your EX are the problem here. You are BOTH raising this child and are BOTH her parents. THAT requires communication. So put whatever petty problems you have between you for your DAUGHTERs sake!!
Your daughter is a child. She is going to push boundaries and has learnt bad habits from YOU and your EX. She is being manipulative to get what she wants. Where did she learn that from??
You and your ex need to get over whatever issues you have with each other FIRST!! All this is affecting your child and damaging her. It’s not a good environment for her to be in at all. She is probably scared too.
Try mediation between you and your ex? Or counselling? Sort your issues with each other out BEFORE anything else. Then learn to co-parent and agree on what’s best for your daughter. Your both letting your hate for each other get in the way, your feelings seem to be more Important than your daughters. SHE should come first!!
Maybe you have tried this and he isn’t willing. THEN get on to the social again, and again and again. Beg for mediation and support.
You did the right thing in turning the tv off, she has to learn boundaries. However, you have had no support from the father in this. He is trying to be the ‘favourite parent’. All to spite you. It’s sad and pathetic. He could be saying anything about you to your daughter to try and make you look bad - it’s TOXIC!! And now your daughter is playing ‘favourites’ to get what she wants. It’s what you have both taught her.
I understand you feel hurt, but it’s your daughters feelings that should matter now. I’m not saying give her what she wants - definitely NOT. But imagine being a child with two parents who hate each other and do things to spite each other. What are you teaching your daughter? Being a child in a broken family is hard enough, but adding all THIS into the mix? She needs to see unity otherwise you are confusing her with different rules and she’s not going to know what’s right from wrong.
This may seem harsh but you are raising a child in a toxic environment - THAT is my biggest concern. You asked what you can do for your daughters well-being, well this is my answer.
If for any reason you and your ex are not allowed to talk to each other, then firstly why was you daughter not considered before it got to that point. Secondly The social will still be able to do something. Let them know you are worried your child is affected by all this.
Put your stupid problems with each other behind, decide TOGETHER what boundaries you want to put in place and what rules you should ENFORCE!
THEN your child will know that it doesn’t matter WHAT parent she is with - the same rules apply.
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