A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months and we have a mostly stable relationship. I enjoy being with him and feel very comfortable in being myself around him, something I have struggled with in the past.Our one problem is how he makes me feel insecure in comparison to other girls. This started early on in the relationship - he was liking girls (who he knows, not models) photos on Instagram of them practically naked, he continued to text a girl who he had dated whenever she reached out and would agree to go out to dinner but then cancel last minute. He was texting that same girl on NYE while I was with him and said he thought giving her short answers would give her the hint he wasn't interested. Most recently I watched him ogle pretty girls while we were out together on a date night when he thought I wasn't looking. These issues feel like they are compounding and every time some new situation happens, it makes me think through every other time it happened. We've talked about each instance and he has apologized and said he didn't realize it would hurt me.I feel like I'm not physically enough for him even though he says I am. I feel like my body isn't the standard of who he had hoped for. Even his best friends have told me he is incredibly shallow and would stop dating girls based on one "flaw" he saw. He has suggested I work out more but that's the only negative comment he has ever made to me.Things feel like they are going so great up until something like him staring at girls and then it makes me sink into thoughts of why I'm not good enough or attractive enough that even in the beginning, it felt like he had one foot out of the relationship. I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive as I know many guys will look at a beautiful woman walking by or if I'm justified in feeling like this is a cause for real concern. I appreciate any thoughts.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): Young Lady, you need to find your voice, in this relationship! New Years Eve just floored me! He is WITH you, and is giving her just short messages to another girl, who he dated, so pehaps she will get the message? Seriously WTF? What disrespect you are putting up with! Remind him, girls do not read minds! Insist that he message her that he has a girlfriend and not to contact him anymore! Insist that he delete her from everything! That girl is not just a friend, who is a girl, rather she has been a love interest, of his! Another thing OP, I am not fond of personal abuse, and too many men, are body shaming girls! When he says that you should work out more, find your voice, and ask him WHY? Now if he says Honey, you know that you have a heart condition/high blood pressure/diabetes/etc, and you must keep your health up, then fine, but if he says you have a gut/a flabby ass/thunder thighs/etc, then TIME OUT! You DO NOT criticize the female form, when you want her to conform to some vision in your own mind! NO!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2020): Hi
same old problem, social media and it's self-obsessed look at me rubbish. He also does it in public, this is something that you can't really fight and would get very tired eventually and start feeling worthless. Sooooo the answer is to enjoy and except your unique beauty and know that we are all individual characters with flaws, foibles, and assets. Build on your own self-esteem let him know you are unhappy when he does it, or let him get on it and put up with it, or get a new boyfriend. When Instagram and social media rear their heads, I would personally say to him, that you want to be in the real world.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2020): He's disrespectful of you and makes you feel uncomfortable and that won't change. You'll either have to accept it or dump him. I know which I would choose, and on my way out the door I'd make sure he knew that I was too good for him. Make sure you know it too! That would be a good first step to working on your insecurities.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2020): My dear, you don't remain in relationships that make you feel insecure and depressed. You're taking an emotional-beating for the sake of having a boyfriend. Being in your 30's is far too mature and experienced to be allowing guys to do this to you.
You can do bad all by yourself. When it reaches the point you're allowing men to cross too many boundaries, that spells desperate. You have to work-on your self-esteem and self-confidence before you commit yourself to relationships. Dealing with the faults and flaws of other human beings should not directly affect how you feel about yourself.
You won't gain self-confidence and self-image appreciation counting on the opinions or validation from men. We're human and prone to make mistakes. You have to have your own head together when you commit yourself to serious relationships. You have to set boundaries; then have the courage and wherewithal to enforce them. If you see no changes after repeated-discussions about a recurring problem; it means he is not taking you seriously, and doesn't care how it upsets you. He just doesn't want to be nagged about it.
He spends too much time looking at other women. That in itself is considered a red-flag and a deal-breaker. He's on his phone while on dates. He's always interacting on social media with other women. Talking about it only made him hide doing it.
You can stick around and keep taking a beating to your self-esteem; or you can decide this guy is not that into you. From all indications, and your explanation as to how it makes you feel; I don't think you can take much more of it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 July 2020):
 Why does he do it?
Like his friend said, HE is shallow.
It isn't about YOU not being good enough but him ALWAYS looking for greener grass.
Why tell you that you could work out more isn't in itself a red flag, especially if you don't work out and have complained about you body. If you never brought it up, and he just commented that you should work out more, it's because HE thinks HE should be with a "perfect 10" kind of girl. And you are not QUITE a 10 (in his eyes) so he wants to get YOU to change FOR him.
That is really not an attractive behavior to start dating someone and then expecting them to change (physically) for you. I think it goes to him being shallow and self-centered. Which, also aren't very attractive traits.
You guys are in your 30's. Do you really see yourself with this guy down the line OGLING other women at every chance he gets? (because he is NOT likely to change).
Also the texting other women and exes, should be a red flag (IMHO) - Instead of "short replies, why didn't he just text the women, I have a GF, good luck to you? Then blocked her if he didn't stop. No person (man or woman ) is going to be able to READ his mind over a text and know he wants no further contact.
You have been together for 10 months so more of WHO he really is, is shining through. One of those things is him ogling women. And having kind of VAGUE boundaries with women.
Also YOUR insecurities are yours, and yours to work on. He can't MAKE you feel something, unless you are already aware of it. If you feel you aren't hot enough or pretty enough... THAT is on you. If HIM looking constantly at other women makes you feel that way... well, you CAN decide that you don't want a partner who does this, you can get up and walk away when he does it so you don't have to sit through it, start to OGLE good looking men, or you can suck it up.
If you guys were in your teens I'd be more likely to say he will grow out of it, in your 30's? not so likely.
It FEELS like he has one foot out of the relationship... because he does. If he met a "perfect 10" (in his book) and she reciprocated his interest... he would drop you like a rock. NOT because you aren't good enough but because HE is shallow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2020): He is not the one making you feel insecure - YOU are the one making you feel insecure! We are in charge of our own feelings, no one else can make us feel anything unless we let them.
YOU have the power to change the things in your life that you don’t like - not anyone else.
I do think it’s disrespectful that he was messaging a girl he use to date while with you. He may be insecure himself and just likes the attention. But then again they may have become friends, unfortunately you can’t control who he does and doesn’t speak to. The same with liking other girls half naked pictures.
However, if you have told him your feelings and he is still doing it - then you have to decide if it is a deal breaker for you or not. We all have different things we will or won’t put up with and something you may not like another person may not think it’s a big deal.
Ask him how he would feel if you started doing the same?
Yeah yeah - we all know how this goes ‘men like to look at attractive women’. People allude to men having NO self control over their eyeballs when a pretty girl walks in a room. There’s a difference between a quick glance and a full on stare for minutes at a time. If you find it disrespectful, then don’t put up with it.
You say everything is good between you otherwise, but then say you feel he always ‘has one foot out of the relationship’. Sometimes when there are other issues in a relationship and they are swepped under the rug - insecurities appear. Just make sure you are being realistic when you say everything else is really good. If you feel he isn’t all that Into it - then listen to that. Sometimes we so badly want something to work out, that we ignore red flags, become insecure and ignore issues. The problem is that by doing that they tend to get worse over time. And your insecurities will only grow.
You need to figure out your own feelings. Why is this making you insecure? Why don’t you feel good enough? Have you always felt this way or just recently? Are you insecure about your looks in general or just now? Is the relationship TRULY ok? Are your needs being met? Does he make you feel attractive and desired?
Find out where your insecurities are coming from and then you can make an informed decision and take action.
Sometimes it’s not a case of being overly-sensitive or not. It’s about what you are willing to put up with. If you feel it’s disrespectful -THEN tell him. If he carries on, then maybe consider you have different values and move on and find someone who has the same values as you.
Do not assign your worth as a woman to any man. Mature men want a women who knows her worth, who has confidence in their appeal and will STAND up and say her mind. Boys want an insecure woman they can manipulate, know they can get away with anything and know that you will never get the balls to leave him no matter what he does.
Decide what YOU want in a relationship. What values YOU hold to be Important. What YOU are and are not willing to put up with.
If he doesn’t check all of YOUR boxes. Then know your worth and find someone who does. People will only treat you how you ALLOW them to treat you.
Good luck
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