A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony AuntI am married for 20 years to a narcissistic surgeon with roving eyes yet I've stayed with him thinking that we love each other. He had been unfaithful to me and my young children once in the past and after leaving home he returned after a few weeks after being found out. He has also been on dating websites and one can imagine how I felt when I saw his profile a few years ago. I am a habitual workaholic and recently started working for him only to find that I am doing the work of three people as well as certain things that only he should be doing. Owing to working long hours I've neglected my children and my self and it's now too late to turn back the clock. If I was a housewife with free time going to the gym and socializing with friends I probably would have felt differently. In fact, I do not have time for myself for anything as the work that I do for him is carried on over the weekends and nearly every evenings. I have given up 2 careers to work for/with him and feel envious towards people I know whose boyfriends or spouses have encouraged them to achieve academically. Three years ago he had hair implants to probably look and feel younger. There are so many loose women around who feel great when he gives them attention yet they look at me strangely and act strangely around me. The younger nurses feel empowered knowing that doctors find them attractive.At work none of the patients know that we are married as I feel it is a professional and highly demanding environment. Many women who are dependent on men with money would do anything to be in my situation but I feel differently...I am simply an extremely hardworking lady who loves to cook to make her family happy. Besides all of this, the sexual deprivation is just too much - in the past 10 years I think he has only initiated sex a few times and as I have a great libido we've had sex after I have asked or tried kissing him. I am so unfulfilled on every level. He rubs his sexual organ when he sleeps but never feels he needs to be with me. What should I do? In the recent past he told me that he wanted to have sex with other women so after being broken further I arranged for him to be with prostitutes. It was exciting for both of us and according to him was the best sexual experience he'd had. We do not have any friends and our life simply revolves around each other. He also doesn't feel that we should invite people from work home. I hate going anywhere with him as he takes off his specs the moment he sees a pretty woman with whom he has made eye contact. I am tired of being in a sexless marriage. What is so strange is that he had sex with me on the morning of a trip that he had gone on for a few days recently. Is this normal?? Am I stupid to love a man who does not respect the institution of marriage?? There have been many instances when men have given me attention too but I have never encouraged anything and have looked at them with disgust as marriage in my opinion is a sacred union. In this age where infidelity is rife is it normal to feel like this?? I know a few of his colleagues who love and respect their wives differently and have allowed their wives to stay at home to care for their children. I have read up extensively on the narcissistic personality who would only want to be with people who admire him/her and is obsessed with outward appearances. I on the other hand believe that everyone is special and important irrespective of where they come from and how they look and would want my children to feel that way about others. Is all of this worth the sacrifices I am making and have made?? I met a lady today who started chatting about her narcissistic husband who habitually abuses her emotionally and physically and she said she has an amazing male friend whose company she enjoys and makes her feel 20 times better than her husband but I won't do something like that because I have strong principles and values. My biggest fear is cancer. Being in a toxic marriage is not safe as this lady informed me. She also had cancer and is constantly made to believe she is lesser by her husband.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2018): What a peculiar set up. Why is it too late for you to take more care of your young children? You do know life isn't set in stone? You don't agree with cheating yet you went along and got a thrill with your 'husband' having sex with prostitutes? You want more sex with him yet you actively encouraged him to sleep with prostitutes?
Your husband doesn't respect or value you because you don't respect or value yourself. I suggest you leave this man and take care of the innocent children you chose to bring into the world.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 June 2018):
 Never mind cancer. If I live in South Africa I would not touch anyone who hired prostitutes being that I am scared of contracting AIDS. Narcissistic people cannot love. Your husband loves the fact that you probably worked for him for free. He used you like a tool. When your children are grown he would probably use them too. Do not start any emotional affairs. They are distractions and just a small bandage to a big gaping wound. I would get a divorce if I were you. You owe your children your time, your happiness and your honesty to living the way you really want to. I don't know how you are able to do it for 20 years. If you are strong enough to withhold this, divorce should be easy for you. You would finally free a taste of freedom.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (15 June 2018):
 If you arranged for prostitutes for him, you don't "respect the institution of marriage" either.
Anyway, whilst him being a cheater is totally on him, you being a workaholic won't help.
I don't think staying with him is best for you or your children. Look for a new job, save up, then leave.
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