A
female
age
36-40,
*Lynn1988
writes:My ex of one year broke up with me 2 months ago. Said he fell out of love with me because I wasn't the girl he fell in love with anymore. Weight gain caused depression and I withdrew, so his claim is somewhat validated. Asked to move in together thinking it would make him happier with me and he ended it 3 weeks after getting the apartment. Days after the breakup he started talkign to another girl and they have been in a relationship for a month now. She appears to be very opposite of me and they appear to be moving at a rapid pace. They have put their "I love you's" out on facebook, tagging each other in mushy crap, etc. He always said he hated couples like that and even his family and friends verified that with me. I was not affectionate enough towards him, stopped letting him see me naked, and just wasn't very emotional enough I guess. All stems from the weight gain and from being single for a very long time. He made seeminly joking remarks about wanting me to inittiate more intimacy and affection and I didn't take it seriously. 3 weeks after the breakup he was coming around to the idea of working on things, stayed with me for 3 nights and then went cold again. Started dating this girl. I wish we had been able to work on things together, but seems he didn't want to. He said he needed to not see or talk to me for awhile and moved out and is now in this "teenage love" type relationship where they seem to be obsessed with each other. She's 19 and he's 22 and I'm sure she showers him with affection and adoration, which i didn't so I'm sure he's eating that up. She also was in love with her ex and tried to work it out with him just over a week before they started dating and now she's "so in love" with my ex and posting how she can't wait to spend the rest of her life with him. Just wondering if this is more of a rebound relationship and he hasn't really moved on or if its the real deal and he has moved on. Or maybe they are rebounding together?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2016): The relationship is over. He has a new girlfriend. You're not the lovey dovey type. You're still having issues and inner-conflict about who you are and how you look. Move on.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 April 2016):
 It really makes not much difference. YOU are fortunate to have this guy out of your life. NOW,... go on and have a great rest-of-your-life..... with this guy a bad memory.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, JLynn1988 +, writes (7 April 2016):
JLynn1988 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been working on myself, I've lost 25lbs just from the heartbreak and working out for 2 weeks now. I weigh less than I did when we started to date. I've dealt with the weight thing my whole life, got bullied all through school and its going to be a battle that I have with myself every day for the rest of my life. I'm going out when I can, hard to do when I can't even afford the rent for the apartment that was his idea and I'm the one stuck with all the expenses. In November he got a second job and was always exhausted. He'd come over and fall sleep on my bed for an hour and then go home. That happened for almost 2 months. Then 4 days after we moved in the apartment the man who raised me was critical in the hospital so then I was there after work every night staying with him so for the 3 weeks we were in the apartment we saw each other to basically say goodnight every night. The way things ended I blame him for. Instead of asking me to get a place with him thinking it would fix things he should have sat down with me and explained how my behavior was affecting the relationship. Up until the week before he ended it he was still sending me paragraph texts about how much he loved me and was so thankful for me. Thats not the adult way to handle things. If he had sat me down and said hey, this is whats going on then I would have done everything I could have to fix it. Im not a super affectionate person because I've been single for 27 out of my 28 years. I'm independent to a fault and I don't know how to be lovey dovey and I was scared to be considered clingy if I gave too much. Before he started dating her he told me he was moving out because he needed to not see or talk to me for awhile and that living together still felt like being together. We got along great as friends after the breakup for about 3 weeks. Went to the movies a couple days after valentines day and when I got ready for bed that night he was sleeping on his side of the bed again. Did that for 3 nights, told me he wanted to be in love with me again and then the 4th day did a 180 and went cold and said it was a mistake. That made me think that part of him did want to work things out. I still want to work things out with him someday. To me it seems silly to throw a relationship away for something that probably could have been easily fixed if he had told me there was a problem. I'm trying to figure out if its a rebound because that helps me judge if theres possibly lingering feelings and he's trying to fill in the gaps that I couldn't with her or if it is a legitimate relationship. In my opinion its not healthy to be a month in and saying that you love that person and can't wait to spend forever with them, but the girl is 19 and I remember that age and what it was like. I don't want her to be using him as a rebound either. As for me, dating is going to be a long time away because right now I'm hurt about how he faked being in love at the end. If someone were to say I love you to me my initial response would be "until when" or "do you really" and its going to be awhile before that fades away. My feelings haven't changed for him in 2 months and I finally did let him in my walls but it wasn't until after the end and it was too late at that point.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2016): It is most likely rebound. But sweetheart; whatever it is, it's really not your business anymore. You shouldn't be torturing yourself with keeping tabs on your ex on Facebook or through social media. Just attend to your own life and issues. You're neglecting yourself, worrying about his life.
I say over and over and over again. Insecurity kills relationships. People nowadays constantly obsess over their flaws and imperfections; and it's exhausting dealing with their emotional baggage. Everything from skin color, to weight, to the shape of their bodies. Is there anybody out there just happy to be alive, have all your fingers, toes, and limbs, and a heart that beats without a pacemaker?
You put on some weight, then withdrew; but you punished him by isolating yourself and shutting-down your feelings.
What was he to do? I am sorry to seem insensitive; but people and their complaining about every little imperfection is annoying, exhausting, and relentless.
Then they go and infuse all this negativity into their relationships. Should they wonder why their partners just can't take it?
You have to learn to love yourself. Fix what you can fix, and live with what you can't. Don't go committing into a relationship, and expecting people to either fix you or cater to your whining and insecurities. They may as well find someone totally opposite. Why not?
If you're not happy with your weight, just eat healthier and appreciate yourself just as you are. Weight and all.
What's the point of getting into a relationship, if you're not going to be loving and affectionate to your partner?
A lot of people claim to suffer depression and anxiety disorders. Perhaps! Triggered by self-loathing and frustration; because life didn't give them everything they think they deserve. Many folks have a total lack of faith, fear of rejection, and are oozing with pessimism. Full of cynicism, vinegar, and outright laziness. Whatever happened to the joy of just being ourselves, and liking it? Well,to be brutally honest; most happy people don't want anything to do with people waiting to find someone to drain them of their life-energy. To snuff out their inner-light and rob them of their soul and inner-peace. I'm not saying this is you, sweetie; I citing these examples for it not to be you!
We know we can't always be happy and beautiful; so we embrace whatever happiness comes our way. In-between the challenges, disappointments, and normal things life is supposed to bring. Love is supposed to be wonderful and intoxicating. All consuming, and invigorating. It also has a downside, but the challenge is to overcome that. To survive in order to get to the other side. Remaining intact as a couple. When it breaks, move on; and find yourself something better for you. But prepare to be worth it.
Sweetie, we have to enjoy life sometimes. Just as simple as that. If we want love, we have to start doing it from within and give ourselves what we need. Then share that good part of ourselves with someone we choose as our match. Get out and enjoy yourself, fix yourself up, flirt, make new friends, and do some self-improvement. Work on your flaws. Stop worrying about your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. That's not about you!
Let him alone. Focus on yourself, get to know and love yourself. Pamper yourself, spoil yourself. Have some fun being yourself. The only real thing you should be concerned about, girlfriend; is that which is good which comes your way!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 April 2016):
 Whether it's a rebound or not, IS irrelevant. He is no longer your BF and no longer your concern. If they are obsessed with each other, that is OK! That IS how many people are when they first start to fall in love. YOU on the other hand are starting to be obsessed by them. Which IS NOT healthy.
What he told you he needed from you, but you couldn't/wouldn't give, is something YOU need to address (within yourself), not whether she is a lovey-dovey rebound or not.
Look at yourself. You are looking for signs of HIM maybe coming back to you, but it's NOT going to happen, as he WASN'T happy being with you. And you weren't really happy being WITH him. You weren't happy at all.
You even say that his reasons for the break up were honest and valid. That you withheld affection, sex and attention because YOU felt bad about yourself. So maybe you NEED to figure out how to NOT feel bad about yourself any more. Be it go see a doctor and talk about the possibility of depression, the weight gain, etc.
Don't stalk their Facebook/Social media and check up on them, FOCUS on yourself. Find what makes YOU happy. Work on getting BACK to YOUR happy place. Truth is you DO NOT need a man to be happy. But in order to have a GOOD relationship you NEED to be happy with yourself.
So first item on your to-do list:
FOCUS on what's important. YOU and YOUR health!
BLOCK, DELETE, REMOVE yourself from their social media, and phone. The best thing YOU can do for yourself is cut the contact.
If you think you are suffering from depression, SEE your doctor. Same goes for the weight gain. Get a referral to a dietitian if need be. Join a gym or make a plan of "attack" - like start with low impact work outs - like walks and bike ride, maybe add some yoga.
Accept and acknowledge that you HAD some part in the break up and deterioration of the relationship. TAKE responsibility. Doesn't mean you should feel BAD about it, but know that it didn't just happen.
LEARN from what happened. Don't repeat it in the future.
DO NOT start dating till you FEEL you are in a good and healthy head-space. It's NOT a partners job to "fix" those issues... those are your issues, your responsibility.
KNOW that you CAN do this. Spend time around POSITIVE people, people who CARE about you and that you care about. DO good, BE good.
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