A
male
age
41-50,
*lly75
writes:I have been in a relationship with a woman for the last three years. Throughout that time we in the main have been really really happy. We don't live together but have spent a lot of time with each other. When we do occasionally have the odd argument, she has blown them out of proportion, they have been about trivial things which couples have but then talk about after a while. She will not talk to me face to face and this can destroy me for that period. It happened again last night on my birthday weekend away. She ended up leaving me 100 miles away from home with no transport and once again refused to talk face to face. I have said we both need to move on if we can't resolve small conflict in an adult way. She has refused to talk like adults, saying she is fragile and insecure and isn't able to. I am in a real pickle, I love her so so much but can't continue to be let down and put in storage when there is any form of argument. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2016): "the reason I put up with so much is because she suffers from a deep depression". I don't think you quite get it because you're not looking at the situation objectively from the outside. Stop making excuses for her behavior by ascribing it to symptoms of depression. She said she is fragile and insecure and that is what you need to listen to.If you think that nothing's going on while you all are a month or two apart I've got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. Don't you get the part about why she's avoiding a discussion and putting you on no contact instead? She doesn't want to tell you what's REALLY going on in her heard, so avoiding you is easier. She's not really into you, sorry to say it. You love her way more than she cares for you, and she knows it. If she cared for you and respected you she wouldn't be deploying these moves.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2016): Mate...
My husbands ex used to be like this and they have 2 kids together. If you ended up having kids with her, they could also be used as weapons - my husband doesn't see them for months, constantly in court..etc if she doesn't get her own way. Once, we didn't see the children for 7 months because on Mother's Day we got her a teddy instead of wine...Honestly, think long and hard about this relationship..X
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2016): She isn't married, she has had an ex in the background who despises me though and sticks the knife in at any opportunity, he is also the father of her two kids. She definitely isn't seeing someone else either, that I know for sure. The reason I have put with so much is that she suffers with deep depression. Her depression affects me in these situations kind of offers a half excuse I think.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2016): Wow! Sound like my ex girlfriend a bit towards the tail end of our relationship, but leaving you 100 miles away from home with no transportation is downright disturbing.A couple of thing come to mind when I read your post. First off all, she doesn't respect you; she has terrible conflict resolution skills; you are getting on her nerves because she's probably looking for an exit strategy but doesn't know how; she's using these "arguments" and the subsequent "silent treatment" as an excuse to put you on the backburner and see her other boyfriend(s)This woman has been messing with you and testing you for quite a while, and she has come to the conclusion that you don't respect yourself by putting up with her nonsense. Listen carefully what I'm telling you. Since she doesn't respect you, she probably hooking up with another man while putting you in time out.Is she married by any chance? Something isn't adding up here.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (7 April 2016):
Communication is important in any relationship! Also we all deal with conflict differently. Be it with our friends and family or lovers. I'm a talker and like to make clear to anyone I'm angry with how I'm feeling and how they've upset me. I generally don't shout or swear, i like to talk clearly e.g sit down and talk it through. Sometimes this works or it doesn't. Depends on the other person. But that's how I deal with conflict. Shouting, swearing tantrum throwing people annoy me. Your girlfriend seems to handle conflict badly. You seem to also have a different way and view on dealing with conflict. Now...you have to meet each other halfway. Is she a good girlfriend generally? If so are you committed to making your relationship work? If you are, then couples counselling will help. Speak to your GP or look online for local counselling organisations. This is a chance to sort out the issues you're having. If you love her and vice versa, try and make things work. If you go for counselling with no joy, then you'll be in a better place to decide whether this relationship is worth it.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (7 April 2016):
Hi. Mate this is bad news! You have to ask yourself, if she knows how it affects you, yet still does this sulking, recoiling, immature responses over and over- does she understand you or love you here? Leaving you 100 miles away, no transport home on your v birthday weekend no less? Spoiling precious memories of special times is bad news.... Think thou need to ask yourself is - his much are you prepared to put up with here?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (6 April 2016):
 When you two are both calm, I’d talk with her about fighting fair. Leaving someone 100 miles from home with no transport is not fighting fair. Going silent for a month after a fight? Also not fighting fair.
A self-help guru posted a list of rules for “fighting fair.” Dr. Phil’s list here:
How to Fight Fair
How you argue — especially how you end an argument — can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship.
A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.)
"Disagreements are going to occur," says Dr. Phil. "The question is, do you go into it with a spirit of looking for resolution or do you go into it with a spirit of getting even, vengeance, control? You'll never win if you do that. If you make your relationship a competition, that means your spouse has to lose in order for you to win. It's not a competition, it's a partnership."
Here are Dr. Phil's specific rules for fighting fair.
Take it private and keep it private.
Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.
Keep it relevant.
Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.
Keep it real.
Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated.
Avoid character assassination.
Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.
Remain task-oriented.
Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it.
Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity.
How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.
Be proportional in your intensity.
Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.
There's a time limit.
Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don’t allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.
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I would talk about rules for disagreeing. If she can’t or won’t stick to an adult and common place strategy for resolving conflict then perhaps it’s best to let her go, and assist her in fulfilling her self-fulfilling prophecy that she is fragile and insecure and obviously not able to be a grown up with a grown up.
What are these arguments about?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 April 2016):
 If she leaves you 100 miles from home over a "trivial" argument, then I'd seriously question what you two have.
I don't think I have EVER had an argument where I found THAT solution OK. And refusing to talk? How is that going to fix anything? Now or later?
I'm sorry, I wouldn't put up with that from anyone.
I am however pretty curious what KIND of argument you two had that made her leave you stranded 100 from home. Because I do think... you are glossing that over a bit.
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A
male
reader, Ally75 +, writes (6 April 2016):
Ally75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat I meant to say is we will spend a month or two apart after a small disagreement...this has happened 4 times over the last 3 and a half years.
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