A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a genuinely nice guy on an online dating site and we've gone on two dates. I had to psyche myself up for both of these dates because a) I haven't been on a date in a while and b) I didn't feel any attraction when I looked at his profile pictures. The reasons I went on the date in the first place is because I want to get back in the dating game (I'm 35, all my friends are married with kids and they give me peptalks), I want to meet someone, and he seems sweet and we share a lot of common interests. The dates went well insofar as we were never stuck for conversation. However, I didn't feel any chemistry and I had no desire to kiss him at the end of the night. When he held my hand it felt like false intimacy. I'm going on a third date...Here's why: my friends told me that it's not necessary to "feel chemistry" on a first date so I should give this guy a chance. They said that being able to chat so easily with him was half the battle (battle was a friend's word, not mine!). One friend suggested that I have set my standards too high while a male friend commented that if I rejected everyone so quickly I would end up alone! So, I'm going on a third date.My question is: Is there something wrong with ruling someone out if you don't feel instant chemistry? Should I be willing to let feelings grow? The latter option makes me feel so depressed. I want there to be someone out there for me that feels the same way about me as I do about them. I want fireworks. Is this Hollywood nonsense?Anyway, I sense that this nice guy, while he likes me, is also feeling relieved to have someone to date. And he's getting too emotionally close too fast. I'm not comfortable with his texts where he says he's so glad we met, I'm special, he loves our time together. I read this and feel nothing.I need to realistic, don't I? I'm 35 and not exactly supermodel thin. I'm not going to get the gorgeous guy or even the quite handsome one. I'm not totally superficial. I'm just being honest about needing to feel physical attraction. I value a sense of humour and intellect above looks. In fact, I've been told that I'm snobby about this because I have a PhD and would prefer my partner to have one or be intellectually active in some equivalent manner. I'm not willing to "settle" for a dull, plain looking man. I know how bad that sounds. I try to be a kind person. I am empathetic but I have already stayed in a longterm relationship when I was in my twenties with a man who was less ambitious than me and for whom I never found very physically attractive and never fell in love with. He was a rebound relationship that stuck and I was afraid to leave and be on my own. Now I'm afraid to not be on my own. Especially not for someone I have lukewarm feelings about.How do I make myself happy in matters of the heart?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 August 2015):
 I have always given them three dates.. but if I'm not feeling it after that I end it. I have never done the "let's be friends" if you are actually dating it's to find a mate...
if you don't feel it after 3 fates it's not there.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 August 2015):
 I would go out on the 3rd date as well, if you still don't feel it, don't string him (and yourself) along.
I have NEVER dated someone whom I wasn't attracted to. Attraction isn't always a guarantee that it will last, but no attraction? How is that going to work? Other than a friendship?
I was once (actually a couple of times) set up on a blind date (by friends) and I knew halfway through the entrees that I just didn't feel an interest/spark/chemistry zip zilch, we still had a nice dinner and decent conversation, but I declined a second date. Now the guy was a decent fella, met him many times later on with friends and fun to be around, but we just didn't click. Another guy I went of 3 dates with even though I was actually pretty sure after date #1 that he was not my cup of tea, friends insisted we would work well together. I tried. But I refused to FORCE myself to be in a relationship if I don't FEEL it.
I don't think you are "too picky" - I think you can HAVE a guy whom you have chemistry with both intellectually and physically. They may be fewer and further apart as you get past 35, but I DO think it's possible to find one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2015): Love at first sight is hollywood.Lust at first sight is very real. Then you date and maybe fall in love.However you can fall deeply for someone even if there wasn't lust at first sight.In this case I don't think you're into him based on what you've said ;'I didn't feel any chemistry and I had no desire to kiss him at the end of the night. When he held my hand it felt like false intimacy.'Even when there's no lust you need an emotional, intellectual, mental spark. You don't have that. Can you image spending hours with this guy as a friend? It doesn't sound like you'd have a hell of a good time. It sounds like you'd get bored after a while (despite him being a nice guy)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 August 2015):
 Third date isn't necessary in my book, unless you're uncertain and the two prior dates gave you two separate feelings. The second date IS the second chance, if so happens that the first date was just so-so. Chemistry doesn't mean you want to kiss or hump him right away, but chemistry IS feeling an attraction and getting curious about seeing more, and getting interested in the person you're with beyond just small chatting. Not running out of topics is fine, but talk show hosts never run out of topics either: not because they have chemistry with the guest, but because they're excellent conversationalists.
I had a couple of dates too with a guy from a website, and he too, like yours, was the first guy I dated after ending a long term relationship. I wasn't attracted to him, not by the picture on in person, but he was interesting, we talked about interesting topics, and the conversation didn't bore me. He was just not all that. So I only had those two dates with him, and he got upset XD He thought I should give him a third chance, but I don't see why. I didn't feel any chemistry, and it's either there or it's not.
Some people get by fine without any chemistry. Others don't. I need chemistry, but in my book chemistry is something as simple as him laughing when I make a joke. Or him looking into my eyes when I talk to him. The ability to flirt with one another, to have that sparkle in the eye. That's part of chemistry to me, and I don't think it's being picky at all. I have rarely felt any desire to kiss a man on the first, second or third date (after all, men you meet online are COMPLETE strangers), but chemistry is something other than blunt physical attraction.
Speaking of blunt physical attraction, the second man I decided to date was a hunk. He was gorgeous, younger than me, tall and muscular, and interesting to talk to as well. I could easily have gone for a round in the hay with that man, and came close to kissing him actually, but we had, again, no chemistry. He didn't get half my jokes, and the conversation felt flat and pointless, without actually going any deeper. So again, chemistry is something other than physical attraction.
My advice to you: go on that third date since you already agreed to it. See how it goes. If still no chemistry, then tell him so and end it. Date someone else. Your hunk will come along. May I suggest you pursue someone a little bit out of your comfort zone next time? Perhaps that hunk of a younger man who was after me would have been perfect for you (oh yes, he had a degree in economics too, so had the brains) ;) Don't judge a blond, younger hunk by the book, he might have a sharp intellect, hehe! So try dating someone you normally wouldn't go for, might be just the thing you need.
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A
male
reader, Peterk5699  +, writes (25 August 2015):
 Obviously this is your life, and you shouldn't allow what others say about your feelings to determine what happens.Being able to have long conversations is, of course, very important, but you should only enter a relationship if you feel a connection or chemistry, which you say you don't. A relationship is a two-way thing, but right now, this sounds like it's only a one-way.I don't know the man you've been dating, but you mention that he said he is "relieved" to be dating someone and is saying all these complimentary things when you hardly know each other. A relationship shouldn't be fuelled by relief, it needs attraction and chemistry, which you don't have.I'd say go on one more date with him and if you still feel nothing, it's time to let him go gently. Be prepared for a bit of backlash though, as he sounds quite clingy and the type who would get upset easily.Good luck with everything.
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A
female
reader, cynthia does wonder +, writes (25 August 2015):
Hi.. I thought deeply about this and I think you should go on a few more dates and try to just enjoy yourself with no pressure... if you feel no "spark".. consider remaining friends with him because he sounds like a good person and you can hopefully have a friendship with him.. (if he wants).. perhaps you can tell him you wanna take things slower..I sincerely hope it works out
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2015): Don't feel pressured by friends to settle, it'll just breed resentment and ruin relationships. Decide on your priorities and your non-negotiables. While constant fire works is perhaps not attainable you do need at least a bit of attraction or you're wasting everyones time, so stop things with the guy before he becomes more invested. At the end of the day if you're happy single why not stay single, but if you do want a relationship decide what you definitely need in a partner and what you can be a bit more lax about, if all your friends say you're too picky it's probably true.
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