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Is there something going on between my husband and his co-worker?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 June 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 27 June 2017)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Why is my husband gets annoyed when i ask him a question about the woman that he always with most of everyday at work? Is he having an enotional affair with this woman?

It does not mean that i am doubting him. I tried to not be negative about it but it seems to me there's something going on between them. They're texting each other more often but the inly thing i don't trully understand is why he deletes their conversation like all the time. The last time i asked him if he is gonna take a walk break with her, he answered me and then added something that i did not ask. And the other day i asked him about his plan for that day. He got mad about it and he told me it annoyed him whenever i ask him the same question even if it wasn't the same question and he put words on my mouth saying "what's next? You're going to accuse me having sex with her?" And telling me that i sound like im avoiding hi having friendsat work. My thing is, is it wrong for him to tell me what is going on at work and with this woman? I noticed he act differently when i ask him about her but then when it's about his other friends, he is just calm.

View related questions: affair, at work, co-worker, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (27 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntThe issue here is that you don't trust your husband, I can see its with good cause as he has cheated in the past, but why stay with him if he disrespected you by cheating multiple times? Why not leave him, I am a firm believer that when trust has gone it is very difficult for it to come back.

You are still checking his phone like he is cheating, that is not healthy for either off you. Yes it is suspicious him deleting the messages but it could also be he does not want you going through his phone. My advice is leave if you don't trust him, you will never be happy and will always be looking behind your back.

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A female reader, Tia Maria United States +, writes (21 June 2017):

yes, it sounds like there is something going on-our women's intuition is usually right anyhow-I find when they deny something you haven't accused them of " what are you going to accuse me of having sex with her next" it's usually not good. He could be deleting their texts because he's been complaining about you to her, without there being anything going on but yeah, it does sound dodgy.I'd personally just act like you're no longer suspicious, act like you haven't got a clue whats going on and try and catch him out-if he's cheating he'll screw up eventually

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 June 2017):

I'm sorry to say that if this has been an ongoing issue in your marriage; it is likely to continue. As far as he's concerned, the only one concerned about your marriage, is you!

Bad-behavior or cheating doesn't stop until there are consequences.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (20 June 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntAs difficult as this is for you, it's not going to make things better if you constantly keep asking him about her. Not only are you giving him ideas when hopefully there are none, you're giving that woman way too much importance.

I know it's tempting but you need to stop checking his phone. Sit down with him when he's in a good mood and calmly and rationally tell him what your fears are. If he tells you that nothing is going on, then you have no choice but to believe him. If you still feel that there's some hanky panky going on, then you have to watch out for the signs without letting him know.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (20 June 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIf you know he deletes their conversations, then you are obviously checking his phone. That can be annoying to the person whose phone it is and it can drive the person doing the snooping crazy. Stop doing that - for your own sanity. It is always possible he is deleting the conversations as a matter of principle, because he knows you snoop.

I have gone through phases where I have been texting people from work (including men) but it has always been about the work place, although not always about actual work. Things happen in the work place with people which you sometimes feel you need to discuss with someone. It's most likely just workplace gossip and he doesn't want to share it with you because he realizes it will sound childish.

You have to decide whether you trust him or you don't.

In your shoes, I would just have a short conversation with him, when he is calm, along the lines of "I trust you but your behaviour makes me uncomfortable and worried whether my trust might be misplaced. Please don't prove me wrong in trusting you."

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I really appreciates the adbices and suggestions. Yes he had cheated on me for so many times. I habe caught him texting other woman that she met online. Now it his friend that i am just curious because they talk a lot tru text messages but then i don't see it on his celphones. He deletes it right away. So for that action, im so suspicious i mean why he has to delte it if they are just friends amd nothing going on between them? Same as his other friend, he never deletes it.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (19 June 2017):

Deleting the messages is quite suspicious; it would seem he would discuss business matters aloud, not only by messages. I can't discuss work in text messages. It would take me too long, and I don't have patience for such nonsense. That's what emails are for.

His getting annoyed when you ask about her isn't very reassuring; but then you have to wonder why the matter can't wait until business-hours if it's not personal?

This is a little sticky; because there are two factors to be considered. One is, how suspicious and insecure are you about your husband? The other factor is; if he has a history of being unfaithful to you? There's always a first-time.

Naturally, a wife would be concerned when her husband snaps at her when she is questioning him regarding some woman he tends to communicate with too often. Especially, when away from work.

You do have a right to be reassured everything is on the up and up; when some woman is contacting your husband frequently. Why shouldn't you wonder why she contacts him so much?

Does he leave the room, find places to hide when the calls or messages come? If he remains in the room the whole time, maybe it's all about a project. But why not emails? Why delete the messages? We always come back to that, huh?!!

Maybe he resents the implication that it's anything but business. Unfortunately, his reaction isn't consistent with that. Tell him so!

Deleting messages from another woman in-front of your wife raises a parade of red-flags! Even the most trusting woman would be quite naive, if she let it go on and on and on.

I guess your greatest concern is his very negative reaction and response when you bring it up? I would want my mate to know she has nothing to be concerned about. Unless you're suspicious or paranoid whenever he speaks to other women, for any reason. Even that being the case, you deserve to be treated respectfully; and an explanation is still required when she's always calling or texting. The party calling should also know when she is impeding or imposing on your time with your husband.

Random calling at all hours smacks of a nervous and demanding mistress!

There should be no secretive-behavior around your spouse unless you're a spy, government-agent, or a detective working undercover.

Is he a cop, or an FBI agent?

If it's a client's confidential information or company information not to be disclosed; he could at least have explained that. He is being secretive and behaving oddly.

How are you supposed to react?

Pick a good time to calmly sit-down and discuss your concern and firmly establish that it is a matter you believe serious enough to concern your marriage. You have to stop him in his tracks and get his undivided-attention. So far he has brushed you off; which is only adding more suspicion. You might point that out to him.

Sometimes things are not as they seem. You should withhold accusations and handle your suspicion; until you have more evidence, and have allowed him to give you a feasible or plausible explanation.

If it smells, tell him so. Inform him you are very uncomfortable and the fact he behaves so badly about it makes you even more concerned.

He'll either do his best to reassure you; or he will go on the defensive. Then you'll have to go with your gut.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2017):

I would keep my eye on him from now on.

But stop questioning him. You will keep going in circles. Even if there was an attraction or an affair or the beginning of an affair, he would never tell you. He would just get upset to deflect you from asking further questions. By accusing him, you are allowing his guilt to surface, which he does like to face.

The anger can work both ways. Sometimes people get angry when they are accused of the same thing over and over and they are not guilty. And sometimes it works the other way. They are guilty. The anger is a result of the guilt. And as I said before, they are getting angry enough to stop you from asking more questions, which would lead you to the truth. It's because they have something to hide.

The fact he is keeping his relationship with her all to himself is also suspect. A man should be completely transparent and open with his wife about everything and everyone in his life. It is just something he does naturally, out of respect and care for his partner and his relationship. This is what earns him trust and his wife's ability to feel safe with him. Keeping secrets and lies of omission are not conducive to healthy relationships based on trust and love. So, the fact he is not willing to tell you his plans or not wanting to talk about her at all is a big, red flag. There are enough clues in your husband's behaviour to be paying attention to what happens next.

Also, the fact he is deleting texts is damning evidence all on its own. If he had nothing to hide, he should not be deleting texts. Why would he not want you to see them if they were innocent? Does he delete conversations between himself and other people as well? For example, you? Other co-workers? His parents? Friends? If not, and it is just her texts, I would suggest he has something to hide and inappropriate text exchanges have been going on between the two of them. So, yes, likely an emotional involvement which may or may not have escalated to sexual. It is entirely possible you have caught him BEFORE he actually goes through with the physical. This would be the crucial time to make or break your marriage. And could be a turning point if it isn't already too late.

I am wondering if she also texts him outside business hours. Do they have conversations late at night? In the middle of the night? This is also a tell tale sign that something is going on. Have you noticed him working longer hours? Not coming home after work right away? Going for dinner/drinks with people from the office more often? Working weekends more frequently?

Have there been any changes in your marriage as of recent? Have you had kids? Does he feel more stress? Is there stress in your lives? Have you hit a rough patch? Are you communicating with your husband? Do you have sex often or has it dropped off? Do you share your lives and stay connected or has there been distance lately? Are you feeling good about yourself or are you having self esteem issues which could lead to paranoia about other women or your husband carrying on outside your marriage? Have you ever had trust issues before you got married? Or has your husband done anything in the past which broke your trust and you will always worry about him having an affair?

My advice is to trust your gut instinct. A woman knows her husband better than anyone. And if there are any changes in his behaviour, even subtle, she will pick up on them. I do not believe our instincts are wrong. The only thing you do not have is proof. Yet. So, accusations are futile until they are backed up with evidence.

I suggest you surprise him at the office and take him to lunch. See how she interacts with him. See how her behaviour (and his) manifest itself with you present. It will tell you a whole lot. Especially when caught off guard. It's too bad there are no company functions you could go to, and sit back and watch their interactions.

The only course of action is wait and see. And lay low. In time, everything will reveal itself. He will slip up. A clue will be found. You will find your proof. It is always just a matter of time.

If you want to speed up the process, hire an investigator or place a GPS tracker underneath his car to monitor his whereabouts. There are also mobile phone spyware trackers that can be downloaded onto a phone and you can read all text conversations and see exactly what the phone user was up to. Also note that if they are involved, they could be having sexual relations at the office itself. So, you have to be prepared for all possibilities.

What do you know about this other woman? Is she single or married? What is the scoop on her? I would make it my mission to find out.

Don't worry. The truth always comes out. We can wait for it or speed up the process. With the technology we have at our disposal today, it has never been easier to catch a cheater. More often than not, a woman's intuition is bang on. Much to our disappointment.

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