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I can't have sex too often because its so painful but my partner feels unattractive because of this

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 June 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 24 June 2017)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I am 28 and have been with my partner for nearly nine years now. I get cystitis almost every time we have sex. I have had extensive tests to find out why without conclusion. It has been happening for six years. We have also tried everything to rectify it like using lube, lots of foreplay etc. Nothing makes a difference. We have sex, just not as often as we probably would like as I have to consider whether a few days of a urinary tract infection could stop be going to work etc. But my partner recently told me it makes him feel unattractive to me. It has really upset me. I can't physically do it often as I'd be doubled over in pain more days than not. What can I say/do? I'm lost.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2017):

I don't think wiseowl was trying to suggest that the OP was unattracted to her partner.

Rather, I think what he was attempting to suggest is this -

You have sex with someone several times, and it continues to have a negative physical Impact. Possibly, that started with something physiological - maybe there was a bacterial bladder infection, or vigorous sex lead to an impact trauma, etc. This physiological cause created a subconscious association between intercourse and painful after effects. This continues to haunt OP after the original physiological cause has been resolved.

This is not an unrealistic proposal. Nor is it sexist, as it could happen the other way around. I, for one, and unable to maintain an erection under certain circumstances that would normally excite other men for very similar reasons (I can't cheat - at least not to achieve my own physical gratification) and the mere existence of the problem causes it to compound and get worse.

Agony aunts who know the thought WiseOwl normally puts in to his posts might have done well to consider this possibility. The placebo effect and psychosomatic physiological responses are not "just being crazy" and are not a sign of weakness. These effects have been shown to have a significant, potent, and potentially life altering REAL physical impact on human health. Suggesting the problem could be mostly psychological does not mean it didn't start as purely physical, it does not mean the pain isn't real, it does not mean the physical inflammation isn't real, and it does not mean the person is flawed, defective, or weak.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (23 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI understand how painful cystitis is, I suffer to from it. Wise owl I am sorry but I have to disagree with you this time, you are way off here. Cystitis can be common if you are prone to it. The only thing I can recommend is to make sure you are both clean before sex. Have a shower, and always wear a condom, make sure hands are clean also. Afterwards make sure to empty your bladder. Also yes maybe a second opinion from a doctor wouldn't be a bad idea. Also drink plenty off water and take cranberry tablets.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2017):

Wiseowle whom I usually agree with is offbase on this one. Getting cystitis/a uti after sex has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with whether or not you are attracted to your partner. But look at the misconceptions that many males have!

Your problem is more common than you think. I am prone to the same cystitis/ UTIs after sex with my partner. Apparently the way some people's body chemistry works together just causes them (alters the vagina's ph).

What you can do is pleasure each other in other ways on weeks where you can't have sex.

I highly recommend taking a daily probiotic and drinking cranberry juice daily. You can also get vaginally insertable probiotics that help with BOTH UTIs and yeast. They are called Provacare. They are all natural, pretty expensive but they have worked wonders for me! I take a couple of capsules a week as upkeep, and if I feel a uti coming on I will take the full course (10 day) probiotic insertables. They have worked so well they are worth every penny.

So now you have to reassure your partner that this has nothing to do with him. That you love him very much and wish to please him all the time but that you cannot help your body's propensity for UTIs. Tell him you are taking steps (above) and looking into options. Give him a blow job.

oh I forgot to mention you can also have your partner wash his penis carefully before sex. It helps remove the bacteria that inflames the utis. But he will have to be feeling secure when you ask him, so do so gently!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (19 June 2017):

I think you need to seek another professional-opinion. Maybe a couple. Including mental-health counseling.

I think you freeze-up and subconsciously don't want to have sex with your partner. If there is no physiological explanation; then it could only be psychological.

There is oral-sex, digital-sex (done with hands and fingers), and many other ways to satisfy your partner, apart from intercourse. You may be in denial; but you may only love your partner in a platonic-sense; and you can't bring yourself to satisfy him through sexual-intercourse. Maybe because he's almost like a brother to you. It happens!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (19 June 2017):

chigirl agony auntDo you have other forms of sex than intercourse? As what you describe, your problems appear to only arise from intercourse. There are many other ways to have sex. With your situation being the one it is, you simply must acknowledge it and start practicing alternatives to intercourse.

Honestly, it's not that different from a person with an STI who always have to use a condom during sex. It puts a damper on the sex, there are certain acts you can't do, and you always have to be careful. It's always going to be there, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy sex!

I say this because I once had a boyfriend with an incurable STI. We always had to wear condoms. I couldn't give him a blowjob (unless he had a condom on, and they taste real bad...), there could be no grinding up against each other without clothes on. You get the point. You make the best out of the situation and rather than focus on what you can NOT do, you enjoy the things you CAN do. He was one of my best sexual partners! There is no reason why you and your boyfriend can't enjoy an exciting sex life just because you skip intercourse.

Unless, of course, you're not really that interested in sex? In which case it's a whole other issue, because you can't do anything about differences in sexual appetite. If he simply wants it more often than you do, then it's a compatibility-issue.

What would I do if I had a partner who I couldn't have intercourse with? I would buy a flesh light, for starters. And I'd place it between my legs so that he could use it while looking into my eyes, and I could feel him rubbing up against me, and I would use a vibrator at the same time on myself to give myself maximum pleasure. That sounds quite enjoyable to me, and I can't see why that, for example, couldn't be a perfect substitute. Or there are other sex toys available for him. Or you give him a blowjob. Or you grind up against one another, that's a known way to get a man off also. And it's more pleasurable for the woman, as the penis will rub against her clitoris this way.Rub from the front, back, sideways... Use your imagination.

And if you're REALLY adventurous, there's always anal sex.

Then there's beginners bondage, you tie his hands and blindfold him and do whatever you please with him.

Honestly, I can't see why either of you would need intercourse (penis in vagina) for sex. There are too many other fun and enjoyable things to do, to let this ONE thing be the reason you have no sex life. You can do EVERYTHING anyone else can do, except put his penis in your vagina. Use a flesh light for that instead and place it between your legs if you want the extra intimacy. Problem solved. You can do everything anyone else can. You can watch porn together, take sexy showers together, perform oral sex on each other, use hands on each other, join a swingers club if you want even. Bondage, sex games, sex toys, anal sex, outfits, role plays.... Really, there is nothing stopping you from having a fulfilling sex life.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 June 2017):

Honeypie agony auntDo you two use condoms? Do you use the restroom (as in go pee) right after sex?

Both things can prevent UTI.

And find a new Gyno and get a full check up.

I found this link for you as well. Read up on how to prevent cystitis:

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2017):

Every time after sex empty your bladder. This will eliminate any bacteria that might get in the urethea during sex. Clean the genital area and your good to go. Has worked for me.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (19 June 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou really need to see another doctor to find out.

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