A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in need of some serious help... I've cheated on my husband and he found me online yesterday on a site and seen some comments some guys have made. When my husband confronted me on it he said he wasn't mad about the site in general, but he was mad that I had lied and hid it from him. I love my husband and he is good to me, but I don't know what to do. This isn't the first time I've done something like this and every time I try to be good and turn people down I find myself falling weak and flirting etc. Now I have never met up with any of the people I've spoken with it's all been online, but it's not what I want for my life or my family anymore. I need help, I want to feel that connection with my husband that I did in the beginning. I guess it's because I feel so detached from him that I seek affection and attention from others. So my question would be is there anyway I can reconnect with my husband and stop hurting him like I have? Please all advice is welcome, but please no harsh criticisms I know I messed up you don't have to remind me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mr Anonymous  +, writes (1 November 2011):
I'm sorry to appear harsh but it sounds like you have absolutely no self discipline. There is no instant or easy cure for this other than control yourself. You don't accidently remove your clothes and have sex with another man, nor do you accidently engage in flirtatious online conversation. You are not trying to be good. You know you are doing wrong and feel guilty about it, however you are doing it anyway. Step 1 - stop with the self dilusion. All the time that is spent on this online ego trip could be spent on strengthing your relationship. You need to decide what's more imporant, and really be honest with yourself, flirting/having sex with random guys or your relationship with your husband. If its genuinely your husband then you should have no issue with ceasing your behaviour. If its not, well, please stop subjecting a nice human being to unfathomable amounts of pain and long term damage and leave him. Thankfully I have never been cheated on (to my knowledge or belief), unfortunately I know way too many guys who were once "nice guys" who believed in chivalry and being a gentlemen who were turned into womanising, misogynistic arseholes after being betrayed and hurt by women they gave their love and trust to. I also know some women who think men are all pigs because of their previous experiences. As for why you feel disconnected from your husband, I'm sorry but the answer is painfully clear and, I would think, obvious. What do you expect, you have brought betrayal and infidelity into your relationship, of course you have lost connection, what else did you think would happen? The loss of connection is not the reason for cheating, it is the other way around.You may have some deep issues that cause you to want to engage in this behaviour, in which case consult a therapist. Remember, YOU ARE IN CONTROL, if you want to stop hurting your husband, then stop it, simple as that. It's akin to when people ask how you stop smoking, I know from experience it is bloody hard but the answer is still the same.....don't smoke! No need to over complicate the issue or find blame/reason. If you are looking for answers as to why you do what you do, you will not find answers on an internet forum I'm afraid, as no one here knows you personally.Goodluck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): So far this has been "online", but the problem is that sooner or later, some guy will get the vibes that you want the attention and it will be face to face and you will go for it unless you get help now and deal with your issues that are leading you to do this.If you don't, you will cheat physically at some point, that is almost certain.Life will throw you a curve, you will be down and the pick me up will be guy with a smile and a touchy hand and you simply will not bring yourself to say "no" and will say "yes" even though you will regret it later.The only thing to do is to seek out professional counseling, marital counseling, with you accepting the responsibility for your actions and telling him that you want to work to make sure that you never do it again and that you are going to counseling to work on yourself and the marriage and to figure out why you do this.You should get some books on affairs and cheating and try to understand why people do this as well.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 October 2011):
 If you can't seem to control yourself, stay off the Internet.
If you belong to a church you could go ask for guidance and counseling. If not I would try and find a good therapist.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 There are plenty of ways to reconnect with your husband. First off you need to tackle the online problem. You want your marriage to work and the internet is just a distraction for you. It is time to remove it from your life. I know that this can be hard, but I think it is a sacrafice you need to make. It sounds to me like it is starting to become more of a habit than a need. Get rid of the internet and concentrate on your marriage.
Be open and honest with your husband tell him how you have been feeling. Explain to him that you want to work on the marriage but you BOTH need to work on it to get the affection back in to it. Go on date nights, spend quality romantic time together. Concentrate on both of you and do special things for each other. Both of you need to work hard to get that spark back in to the relationship. Go away for weekends together ect.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (30 October 2011):
 Hi,
The important thing is that you accept your mistakes, and know that you still love your husband very much. To me the best solution to solve your problem is to have a honest talk with him. First, apologize to him again, make him feel comfortable, and able to trust you again. Then, explain to him why you have been behaving this way, you need to be honest, like you mentioned on your post, tell him that nothing justify what you've done, but lately you've been feeling not as close as before, so you were seeking attention. Tell him that you still love him, that you are truly sorry, and that all you want is for you both to reconnect like you did before. Tell him that you don't get attention from him, ask why, and what you need to do.
Hopefully your husband will be willing to talk to you, work things out, and start developing a loving, caring relationship again. You guys can start by making a date night once a week, where the two of you can be alone, stay together, and just enjoy each other companies. With time, you can start making plans with the family, I think all you both need is to spend more quality time together.
I am sure, with the support of your husband you both can overcome all your problems, and be happy together. What matters is that you both still love each other, and that's a good start.
Best wishes & good luck
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