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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My sister fell for a guy who turns out to be married and wanted nothing to do with him.He wore a wedding ring, posted photos of him and his wife on FB until a month and a half ago, which is when he really started to woo her. He lives in another town and can't see her often, but when he saw her at that point he suddenly had no ring on his finger! He has kept sending her emails, texts...She's now crazy about him but still worries he might be married.I am less crazy and more worried.She often asks me what to do and I keep telling her to openly ask him! It's not like it would be inappropriate since he's really wooing (seducing?) her.I have no idea why he took of his ring (nothing good comes to mind!) but he hasn't posted any pics with his wife for almost 2 months. About the same time when he came to our town with her.When they got married they started using each other's last names (I don't know if it's official in their papers or just the way they keep signing their work). As far as I could see they are still doing so (I saw his recent work). I mean it's not as if they were artists! If they were separated they could have gotten back to their family names without a problem, right?What worries me too that it is mostly him that initiates direct contact outside working hours (sending her sweet texts etc.). I am afraid that he's doing so at HIS convenience. With little details he gives away, she is led to conclusion that he lives alone, BUT given the fact that he's the only one initiating contact in the evenings, it could be that he's just alone at that moment with his wife being out.It also bothers me that he doesn't openly say that he's separated from his wife /headed for divorce or whatever. It could be that he thinks that she knows that he's married (FB for one) and since she isn't saying anything that she's cool with it. His silence on the subject (and the lack of ring) may be just a way to create the bubble in which they could exist together.He keeps complimenting her and accentuates how impressed he is with her moral values. This also leads her to believe that he couldn't have said that if he wanted her to have an affair with him. I think that if he wanted that he would have said anything that made her happy...Since she keeps asking me what to do, I keep telling her to ask him! Am I right in thinking that it would be a completely normal thing? It's not as if she were to ask someone she barely knows but has almost no personal contact with such a question out of the blue.Also, I told her time and again to text him in the evening (or better yet CALL him) and see how he behaves. But, I really prefer just asking.He could lie to her, of course, but I hope that he's not (that) sleazy. I think that he's just trying to get her where he wants her (I have no doubt that he's really interested in her) and takes certain things for granted ("Why of course that I am married! Haven't you seen my FB page?").I'm sorry for such a long post. I was just wondering if my worries are unfounded because I tend to be too cautious and see things in a negative way.Also, she's over 40 and is getting desperate to have a man and a family (if still possible). And... the only "relationship" she had was with a guy who was married at the time and kept fooling her that he's separating, that he had no kids... I mean horrible. He too was from out of town (lived in another country!). So I wouldn't want her to repeat the same mistake. She wouldn't want to either, but she keeps convincing me that asking would feel awkward. Is she just trying to prolong the dream? Or is she headed for another heartbreak? I have no idea.What I do know that based o the "evidence" I wouldn't jump to conclusions (good or bad), I'd simply ask.
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affair, divorce, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2016): Thank you all again for your replies!I think my sister has checked and his wife either doesn't use FB or her profile is not public.I hope that she will find courage (because she KNOWS) it's the best thing to do and ask him and put this thing to rest.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 June 2016):
 If he has an open marriage, she would be encouraged to me the wife and vice verse.
And your sister... might not want to be a side-chick.
Have you tried to look up the woman in question? Her Facebook? It might tell a different story than his. It's apparently not uncommon for cheating people to make/maintain several Facebook profiles to seems single.
As her sister, have you asked her why she thinks HE is a good option? If she got "burned" by a married guy in the past I just don't get why she is giving this one a chance. Specially if he hasn't been clear about his marital status. She is setting herself up for drama, hurt and heartbreak. There ARE single men out there. Not wearing a wedding band is NO indication of anything.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 June 2016):
 Actually I was not thinking of a private eye, hiring whom would be rather expensive, I suppose.
I was referring to an online background check, that is commonly performed by several companies in USA and in some European countries; I don't know about your country but you might as well look into that. Google " online background check " and see if anything comes up.
As a matter of fact- but not that I would advise you that you could be your own private eye. Generally marriage and divorce registry are public records, consultable by everybody for a small fee. If you know first and last name of the guy, or perhaps his address too... with a little patience you could extract this information.
Again, I would not advise you to do that yourself , though . If it turns out that the guy is still married, - bearers of bad news are always shot down, you know. And honestly I am the first who would not appreciate at all if my sister went snooping on a friend of mine behind my back, even with the best intentions .
Your sister is an adult, even if an imprudent, naive one, so perhaps the best thing would be to convince her to go herself doing this public records check. I can imagine she'll balk at the idea, then again she has a bad track record with this kind of things, and as a caring sister,...it's not too mean of you to remind her of what happened last time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2016): I am the OP. Thank you So Very Confused.I share your opinion. Unfortunately where we live hiring private investigators is not common. I wouldn't know where to begin. She just told me that he said that he had a son who's with his (son's mother), but that could mean his 1st wife (or long-term partner) not necessarily this woman we know about.She doesn't want to know for now. I just hope she won't find out in an unpleasant way.Also, he may have an open marriage. Which is fine, but has to be clear at least that he's married.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 June 2016):
 oh he's married. but your sister won't believe you.
I like the idea of an independent investigator so that you can have someone else deliver the bad news.
or she could ask him where he got his divorce so that you can check the public records.
she wont' ask. she doesn't want to know. if she actually believes that he's single after 2 months,m she's deluding herself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2016): I am the OP. Thanx CindyCares!I was thinking maybe they split up, separated. Divorce is complicated.I think it would be better for her if she just asked... but we are all different.His behavior troubles me. It reeks of dishonesty and compartmentalizing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2016): I am the OP. Thank you for your reply, miss frank!I had no idea you could do all these things on FB and I pretty sure that my sister's pretty ignorant on that matter too.He's complimenting her ALL THE TIME and very VERY often is underlying how similar they are. When he's in town, they meet in public. He keeps taking her out for drinks and once for dinner. He invited her out for dinner more than that but she was too busy.He's definitely coming on to her. She's unsure if she should ask because she has extremely low self-confidence and she tends to prolong the illusion of having something than facing that it's actually nothing. That's how the first married guy managed to fool her for so long. Deep down she didn't want to know and by the time she learned the ugly truth, the guy was already eyeing someone else. He just used her to split up with is wife and not be alone and afraid during the process. Once he was free, the world was his oyster. This insecurity of hers has made her for prey to guys who know how to exploit it. Our father was always unhappy with us. We were always failure in his eyes no matter what. So, suddenly there's a grown man that she likes who appreciates her is a big thing for her. Even if he were divorced she would probably be a rebound gf. But if he's married and just messing around, that's awful...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 June 2016):
If he was married one and a half month ago, he IS married.
Sure, in some places divorce is a very quick matter, but.. one and a half month ? I doubt it. And they should have filed the same day he started courting your sister.
She could resort to a background check if she does not want to ask him directly ( .. and, unluckily, you can't MAKE her ask ). For a few bucks she can have rapidly and discreetly all the info she needs.
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (10 June 2016):
So basically he is texting her at times in the evening, with the content being compliments etc. Is that right?
When is she seeing him? Is he taking her out? She's on his fb? Is his wife too? Is she commenting on his posts? She knows he can exclude someone from seeing posts or pictures on fb right? As in he exclude her from seeing pics hes still posting by choosing the audience...
He is married. There is no doubt. Is he separated? That's another matter. Is he staying that way or will they get back together? Another matter again...
He could be messing around behind his wife back. She should ask him, from what you say she sends unsure of what he's doing and weather she's in a position to ask? Which indicates hes flirting and nothing more.
The thing to remember here for your sister is if he his marriage has just ended, it is very unlikely hes ready to move on with someone else...if indeed he isn't still with the wife, and she may not get anything if she hangs around waiting. It could be hes using her to distract himself and make himself feel better this early on in the split.
I would advise she bring it up to him. It won't look odd at ask if he's sending her flirty texts. She can simply rejoined next time with something like ' hey, you words are lovely! I do need to ask you though... What's the state of play with your wife? Have you split or what? I hope you are ok' then its direct enough he has to answer, but looks like she's concerned he's ok and not jumping to conclusions re what his contact to her means.
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