A
male
age
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*DV040
writes:My wife is really upset that I log into dating chatroom websites, sex webcam sites, and porn sites and view the contents and talk to online flirts, such as myself. I see this as a bit of harmless flirting and a diverting form of entertainment. Why she doesn't see it this way is quite beyond me. I'm not having an affair, not in the physical sense, but she still gets upset. I don't know why. She's says it is a form of infidelity. I say it's nothing more than online entertainment. I have lied to her to protect me from her wrath; she can get angry and gets upset and cries, and all of that sort of thing. The other thing is my teenage son, which I have tried to protect from this, gets angry too and thinks I've lost interest in his mother. The little woman is no fool and works it out when I tell her the usual (and repeated ad nauseam) lies, e.g. this is all over, I won't do it again. Should I just come up with a better set of lies and sharpen up the deceitful conduct generally, or should I attempt to stop this behaviour entirely? I really don't know.
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affair, chat room, flirt, infidelity, porn Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (29 September 2010):
 Ps: Please come back and update your post, when you get to the story where you are the handsome guy who washes the windows, and she is the wife trying to get the housework done.
It doesn't all have to end in penetrative sex, it can just be flirting and playing at being someone else..
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 September 2010):
Forget about stopping, too damn hard, what you do is divert your interests into something less harmful, something you and your wife can share together. Frame things in the positive rather than the negative. Your not giving up something, your gonna find new interests and do new things.Instead of pornography, try this website instead, look at it with your wife, see if you two can talk about your sex life and have a laugh.http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_index.shtmlmmm.. chatlines and online flirting, that is harder... do you like games, can you play computer games instead. If you have to flirt, I dare you to make sign online as a woman. Create yourself a new female persona, and try to think and act like a good, moral, married woman.That should take some of the fun out of your flirting, when you learn to look at it from a woman's angle.It's sometimes hard just to give up hobbies that interest us. Especially when we feel controlled by somebody who we feel is spoiling our pleasure for no reason. That's why I'm asking you to try to divert yourself instead, to use the internet in another way and change you way of thinking.If your wife doesn't mind, get a camera, and ask her to be your pin up girl, you can be the photographer, and she can be your naked model. Go and study photography, and take some wonderful pictures to make her feel sexy and beautiful.If you must have sexy hobbies, then find a way of sharing these hobbies with your wife. She might surprise you then, and once she's been included in your world, she may not feel so threatened or upset about porn or naked things.Include her, make her feel beautiful, and stop lying to her, and stop doing these things that you know will only upset her, upset your son, make you look like the bad guy, and aren't really that interesting for all the noise they bring.If you miss pornography, learn to draw and paint some naked things, or write your own pornographic stories... you never know, you might be good at such things.. lolGood luck... PS: If you got to flirt with someone, go and flirt with your wife.. Role play.. today you can play the poor lodger, who needs to romance the widow who he is living with... very fun game to play, especially since she's recently lost her husband (an accident, he was watching pornography and his computer blew up when she accidental threw an axe at his head)This widow is a busy woman who is shy, and she has a child in the house who has very big ears and very big eyes. She can't be rushed, and you can't use rude words, you got to get her into the bedroom without her even knowing the daughter thoughts that are in your mind.See.. you can make your own (non filmed) porn films with your wife.Try to seduce your wife, without your son knowing, start learning to play again, but this time play with her.
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A
female
reader, Cecilia.M +, writes (24 September 2010):
Dear DDV040,
really it's your wife and son's feelings around this subject that matter the most.
The fact that you are genuinely looking for answers on here is admirable and understandable. Be careful tho, the world is full of different opinions and we are biased to agree with the answers that normalize and justify our behaviours.
I would suggest that when you are interacting with other women on-line both you and they are diverting attention and energy away from the woman who really loves you.
Personally, I fantasize about a man I can trust, is sincere, a source of solace, who makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. In this state I feel I can relax and have the most exciting, loving & intimate sex. Without these characteristics in a relationship sex becomes a performance, an act, an ordeal where my anxieties have to be overcome.
I hope you both find a way of working this out together, all the best!
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A
male
reader, DDV040 +, writes (24 September 2010):
DDV040 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMiamine: No you're wrong. It was a genuine inquiry, even if I couched some of it in some frivolous language, e.g. a better set of lies, sharpen up my deceitful conduct, etc. I'm not confessing my sins, if I really felt the need for confession there are other avenues open for that and I certainly wouldn't be doing it on the Net. I did ask for opinions as to whether or not to continue the behaviour, which, as you say, is quite a common problem.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 September 2010):
I think most people (men and women) would have problems with this, unless they are into swinging or in an open relationship.. Even the women who don't mind porn would have a problem with sex cams, chat-lines and flirting online. The aunts have told you their opinions, and I agree with them.
I wonder if you would have problems, if you wife behaved just like you?
I suggest you stop behaving like this, and stop lying to her. You lack respect for your wife and when she finds out, your heading for divorce.
But it's your life, you didn't come here for advice, you just want to confess your sins and continue your devious habits.
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A
male
reader, DDV040 +, writes (23 September 2010):
DDV040 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI most certainly do NOT neglect my wife physically, sexually, or emotionally. On the contrary, we enjoy a very full and active sex life; and I am a loving husband and father. So on that score I am not at fault.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): 8-0 so far to the posters who think this IS infidelity??? Am I completely morally ruined by this stage, or am I not the only one who thinks this is in fact pretty harmless?
There seems to be more or less a consensus on Dear Cupid that even within committed relationships, one's fantasy life is one's own. Your partner doesn't, has no right to, and never will completely control what/who you fantasise about, nor would it be healthy if they did.
This fundamental reality appears to be basically understood and accepted by all but the most insecure/morally judgemental/sanctimonious among DC's fine army of posters. It is basically accepted as human nature that one's partner will, from time to time, have intense sexual fantasies about somebody who ISN'T their Significant Other, and may even pleasure themselves thinking about it, and it doesn't in any way mean that they'd physically cheat in Real Life, or that there's anything broken in the relationship that needs fixing. And, so long as it DOESN'T escalate to physical cheating, there's really not a whole lot wrong with it.
Yet as soon as it escalates to online flirting, there's a lynch mob accusing him of infidelity? OP - you haven't physically cheated on your wife, I'm assuming that you've no intention of physically cheating on your wife, and as such, I don't see what the problem is. If what you're doing IS cheating, then surely by that logic, ANYBODY in a relationship who gets hard/wet at the sight of another man/woman is also cheating.
There are two caveats here, I'm not entirely giving you a free pass. If you are neglecting your wife more generally, not showing her attention, not doing your best to keep her sexually fulfilled and loved and wanted, that IS wrong and you need to work on it.
Also, your teenage son DOES NOT deserve to be exposed to this or to even know about it, though it's not clear from your post how exactly he became aware of it.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 Look in the mirror if you see someone that's really wondering about this question then smash the mirror. you gotta understand women better than to think they 'might' want to understand that you like to flirt on-line or in person. DUDE-get a grip!
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 You're interacting sexually with another human being. You are most definitely cheating unless you are in an open relationship. It's exactly the same as if you went to a bar, flirted with women and went back and masturbated together. Just because there is a computer between you two does not make it better. Lying to save yourself from her "wrath" is a weak excuse to save your own butt. If you keep this up you will destroy your marriage. I'm surprised it hasn't already if this is the attitude, since you seem completely unwilling to even attempt to see her side or do anything other than lie (which is 100% selfish, no matter how much you pretend it's too save her feelings). You are completely disrespecting her, your marriage, and your family. Instead of interpreting her anger as irrational, why doesn't it make you realize it REALLY hurts her? She cries and yells. It couldn't be more clear if it was a bus that hit you that it's destroying her trust in you and hurting her. Instead of trying to avoid it by lying, there's a much easier way to avoid her "wrath." Stop doing it. Easy.
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A
female
reader, leahdawn +, writes (21 September 2010):
Coming from another female who is currently experiencing the same issues you are doing to your wife. I will tell you this. It hurts. It is a form of cheating. If you have the desire to entertain yourself in that fashion, and not with your wife than I think you are married to the wrong person, or maybe you shouldnt be married at all. It is very painful being the one who this behavior is being done to which in turn effects the entire family. Whether you have low or high self esteem, that isnt the issue here, but I can tell you, that if she has low self esteem, she'll have absolutly none in the end and you can blame your actions for that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): Why are you still with this woman if you have so little respect and affection for her? If you feel the need to be on these sites you are a grown man no one can stop you. When you are in a committed, loving, respectful marriage you dont have the desire to do this to your mate. She deserves honesty. Tell her the truth.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 September 2010):
 You know it is.
All that energy you are spending creating these fantasy scenarios and "relationships" should be spend with your wife not some people you don't even know.
The fact that you feel you have to LIE about it, means it's something you know is wrong.
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 You are talking and flirting with real people that talk and flirt back. That's even worse than looking at non-interactive porn. If your wife spent her evenings going to a singles bar to be chatted up by a bunch of men, even if she had no intention of going home with any of them, then called it her "entertainment"... how would you feel? Treat people the way you'd want to be treated yourself. If you're so unfulfilled that you can't give up the online flirting, and telling bald-faced lies has become routine, maybe that's a sign the marriage is in trouble.
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A
male
reader, jimrich +, writes (21 September 2010):
There are two significant issues there.
1 your wife has a self esteem/worth problem and needs to improve or boost her self esteem and respect so your behavior does not hurt her so much. Gals with good self worth/respect do not feel threatened by other women and know how to handle their husbands and their own feelings/responses. Have her google: self worth and get busy fixing hers so she can deal with you.
2 There is a breach in your marriage in the area of respect and trust. I suggest marriage counseling or google: relationship tips.
re: I see this as a bit of harmless flirting and a diverting form of entertainment.
...That's very rational and completely dishonest - you're in DENIAL about the harm you are doing to your partner and your son with your little innocent betrayals!
Why she doesn't see it this way is quite beyond me.
....Put your self in her shoes and see how crumby you look through her eyes.
I'm not having an affair, not in the physical sense, but she still gets upset.
... but it is an 'affair' and a form of cheating and she should get upset but deal with you in a more intelligent and dignified way which can only come from good self esteem.
I don't know why. She's says it is a form of infidelity.
.....And it OBVIOUSLY is!
I say it's nothing more than online entertainment.
.... You are just playing with words and semantics there - it's called DENIAL. But it's still CHEATING no matter how you TWIST it around and your son and wife both know it.
re: The other thing is my teenage son, which I have tried to protect from this, gets angry too and thinks I've lost interest in his mother.
... Kids need good parental role models and they are not brain dead fools who can not see the corruption in their corrupt parents.....of course he's angry and hurt with and by your crumby behavior.
re: should I attempt to stop this behavior entirely? I really don't know.
.... LOL, I bet you do know! I recommend some counseling for you while there is still time to repair all the damage you are doing to your family.
Of course you son can benefit from your parental examples by choosing to follow them OR NOT.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (21 September 2010):
 While you're not physically cheating, what you're doing can be considered emotional cheating. You're showing a side of yourself to other people that should be reserved for your wife.Also, how can she know online flirting won't turn into physical cheating? Going to chatrooms meant for online dating and speaking to other women sends a pretty clear message that she's no longer enough for you, whether that's what you meant to do or not.Stop this behaviour completely if you want to save your marriage. It gives her a reason not to trust you, because she has no way of knowing how far this might go.
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