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Is not contacting her the best thing? Its making me miserable and ruining any chance we had left!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 July 2007) 20 Answers - (Newest, 9 December 2007)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, *ndy00 writes:

Tomorrow marks 1 month since my long distance, 2 year relationship was officially called off by my partner, who couldn't handle the distance anymore. I've been very up and down throughout the past month, feeling fairly possitive highs, to lying on my bedroom floor, crying and clutching my hurting chest.

I'm still not sure what to do. I still love her very deeply, but it hurts everyday knowing that she's trying to cut herself away from me.

We haven't contacted eachother for 6 days, and I can't say it has helped me. Over the past few days I have experienced a lot of painful reminders about the relationship I'm no longer in. I keep thinking about how had we still been together, we would as of today, be just under 2 weeks from spending the rest of the summer together. I was sheduled to go up there on the 6th of August and we would be together throughout the rest of the month, including her 18th birthday and party on the 30th. We planned all this out. It was the last thing we ever did whilst together except kiss eachother for the last time. It kills me knowing that I won't be there for that, and it really hurts me to think that she helped me plan for our future before cutting it off just 2 weeks later... Not to mention that we may have had our last kiss. This really hurts...

So, I'm in a lot of pain since I'm not contacting her, like many of you have advised. Is this going to start helping soon? Because right now, I feel.. not worse, but not better. I know there is no chance of an immediate future together, but I'm losing the chances of having something in years to come with her. I'm not saying I'm going to hang on for her, because that's stupid, but it's still something that my heart wants at this time.

Is not contacting her the best thing? It's making me miserable, and it's ruining any chance we had left!

Please guide me. I don't want to sound all "doom and gloom" about everything, because a lot of the time I'm doing ok, but I still have my moments and that's when I post you guys a question. You have all been terrific so far. Thank-you so much for trying to help me this past month. It's been one of the hardest times of my life. xx

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A female reader, susu24 United Kingdom +, writes (9 December 2007):

Hi..

read what ur feeling but just wondered... Why did she break up with you? Maybe she thought there was no future because u haven't proposed? She might love you till which i think but at least if you got engaged there is a reason for her to be in a long distance relationship...

why dont you do that? I think the she will be with you again and wait till you both can be together for ever.... thats if you love her. I think it will make a wonder...

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (26 July 2007):

Danielepew agony auntIt seems to me she's feeling bad for the breakup. She was in this relationship for two years, also. Since you were seeing each other only once every seven weeks, and she kept it, obviously she was committed to you and to the relationship. Maybe she thinks it's wrong of her to have taken the decision to break up. She's also human, you know. Often we feel that a person who leaves us needs to be bad; sometimes they truly are, but some other times they are just people who are having a different perspective on the problem. We should have a bad opinion only of those who truly deserve that.

That said, her texting you changes nothing. She didn't say she wanted to reconsider. She said she was sick, which is probably true, as a way to tell you why she hadn't texted you before. It's an apology for not being there.

I think you should leave the situation as it is. Maybe texting her once in a while. But, don't ask her to reconsider; don't text her in less than a week, and, most of all, DON'T think you have a greater chance of going back to her. Live as you would if she hadn't texted you. If she will reconsider, she will have to do it on her own; it's her situation that made her go away, and that isn't changing. It's for her to decide.

Now, you also need to go on with your life. I know you're too heart broken to find someone else right now, and I don't think it would be anything but a rebound, anyways; but, at some point, your own needs will need to be met. If she won't, you will have to find someone who will.

Keep a good memory of her. She also died fighting. She gave you her time for two years, you know?

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (26 July 2007):

eyeswideopen agony auntIf you decide to contact her on Monday I certainly hope that you don't suggest to her that she reconsiders the breakup. What would be cool is that you do something really, really fun and interesting this weekend and when you talk to her you tell her all about it and how much fun you had, just so she knows that you are doing things and having fun without her. She shouldn't know that you are sitting around broken-hearted. How's that plan, Buddy?

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A male reader, Andy00 United Kingdom +, writes (26 July 2007):

Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Andy00 agony auntDevelopment:

She text me last night, out of the blue. She was just asking how I was doing and asking if I have been affected by the floods. She was also telling me that she was in bed all day with a migraine. I replied telling her I'm doing ok, not been affected by the floods and also said "It's wierd not being in contact, in't it?" And lastly, implying that she got the migraine from drinking. She replied, sounding pretty upbeat, but there was no comment on the quote above. She explained that she started to feel ill the day before, while at a shopping center. Then she said that she was going to sleep, and that I was to sleep well. The final text of the night was by me, telling her to sleep well, and I'll get in touch with her soon.

So, the end of the story gives the feel that I now have control. I told her I would be in touch, and now I get to decide when that'll be. What does everyone think?

I would like to contact her in less time than a week, like what she's done. If I leave it till Monday or something that could be good. Or I could always suggest that we talk in the week, or something. I really want to ask her how things have been without me, and if she'll maybe even reconsider. After all, it's not too late for us to have a great summer together. I will now say, my hopes are not up, but I believe I will feel better having tried one last time.

I know these are decisions I must make, but if you could give me your perspectives of it, I would be grateful!!

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A female reader, Oblivia Sweden +, writes (25 July 2007):

Oblivia agony auntOh, I know, it’s like you are stuck and every move you make put everything at risk and push her even further away. At the same time, if you stand still and don’t do anything you fear you’ll lose her just for doing nothing. It’s like a physical law telling you that you can’t do the right thing. It's a nightmare.

I think that in the long run probably the best thing is to not take contact with her. For the sake of your self respect. It will give you more pain if not getting the reply you want or maybe even no reply at all. Maybe you should wait a little longer and see how you feel about this then, give yourself for example another two weeks to think this over for yourself before talking or writing to her. You have been a couple for quite a long time and if she would reconsider her decision, she knows where to find you; she knows your door is still open for her. And probably, contacting her will in itself not in any way make her reconsider, it will only make you feel more miserable afterwards. Try to be strong and true to yourself. But it is hard, I know. And sometimes you just must let yourself to be “all doom and gloom”, and cry on the bedroom floor, it’s ok and part of the recovering.

Wish you all luck.

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A male reader, blazee United Kingdom +, writes (25 July 2007):

blazee agony aunttry to move away. yeah you will feel pain but it is the best thing. it will hurt but you can survive it try not to worry to much. after all relationships shouldnt be your life.

mabye you got to attached to this one?

you need a brake, i think spending time away from each other will be good for you as well as her.

take a breather init?

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A male reader, Andy00 United Kingdom +, writes (25 July 2007):

Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Andy00 agony auntDanielepew, you weren't hurtful, you're just telling me how you see it. I'm not hurt by any advice of any of you agony aunts/uncles, I'm hurt by not knowing what to do that's right about my girlfriend.

It's one month ago today since she broke up with me. We haven't spoken in a week now. I'm thinking about contacting her just to ask how she's doing, but since I have heard nothing from her, I guess she's trying to cut herself away from me for good. And whenever just over a month ago today you thought you were in a steady relationship with a great girl, who loved you more than anything in the world; that isn't at all easy to accept.

What on earth can I do?? Texting her is wrong, not texting her is killing me!!

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (25 July 2007):

Danielepew agony auntAndy, I didn't mean to be hurtful. I know you're not the problem. I was trying to tell you that, if she was not willing to do that, then there was food for your thought. I know you have tried. You're a good man.

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A male reader, Andy00 United Kingdom +, writes (24 July 2007):

Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Andy00 agony auntDanielepew, while you perspective is not without good reason, I think you miss the point.

4 1/2 hours is currently the amount of time it would take me to travel to see my ex, costing about £55 on a train. This has NEVER been a problem. I would travel that distance every couple of days to see her. The distance isn't the problem, it's the time. We both just don't have it. We have college to attend to most of the year. as well as jobs to hold up. So it is by no means a question of simply travelling, it's the finding the time to go. We usually had to wait about 7 weeks at a time before meeting up due to other things that are important, i.e. Work and college.

She is now going to university, and has explained that she doesn't think that we will be able to meet up as often as we normally would, and it's bad enough as it is, so she wants to break it off now, rather than let it drag any further.

I find it a shame that she wont atleast see how it goes when she gets there, but she has said that she's struggled to cope for the past 2 years, and doesn't want to endure another, at most 3 years of it.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (24 July 2007):

Danielepew agony auntAndy, with the news you give, I have some more comments to make.

You know, personally I think that three hours would not be that heavy a burden to bear if she were really interested. Rather than the physical distance, I think you're in different paths of life and that makes it difficult for you to be together. You're so much younger than me and perhaps that makes it difficult for you to travel, but, if four hours were all that kept me away from my girl, I would definitely drive them.

I want to offer another perspective. I had a relationship that involved a much longer distance than you. I was in Nicaragua and she was in Brazil. That's a hell of a lot harder. I tried hard for one year, and I found out she didn't, but let me keep going. I don't regret having done my best; but I do regret wasting my time.

You're only human if you want to keep this. Leave the door open, and time will tell.

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A male reader, blazee United Kingdom +, writes (24 July 2007):

blazee agony auntok... well do remember that in this the most important feelings are yours.

i think that you will feel pain in any way you go here and im a not quite sure if she feels the way about you that you do about her.

look at her, see if you can feel any emotion coming from her and if you cant its better you leave her.

it will be painful and you probably wont forget her but it is for the best:( i promise you.

please message with any updates and try not to focus to much on it ok?

build new relationships that really helps.

all the best yh?

cya soon

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A male reader, blazee United Kingdom +, writes (24 July 2007):

blazee agony auntok... well do remember that in this the most important feelings are yours.

i think that you will feel pain in any way you go here and im a not quite sure if she feels the way about you that you do about her.

look at her, see if you can feel any emotion coming from her and if you cant its better you leave her.

it will be painful and you probably wont forget her but it is for the best:( i promise you.

please message with any updates and try not to focus to much on it ok?

build new relationships that really helps.

all the best yh?

cya soon

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A male reader, Andy00 United Kingdom +, writes (24 July 2007):

Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Andy00 agony auntI can't say that I've personally seen Apocolypto, but it sounds like a good refference.I hear what you're saying anyway, and I know for sure that neither an e-mail, or a text or anything at all is going to change that. Reason being, no matter what I do, the distance between us cannot be reduced. She is going to university in September, bring her an hour or so nearer, but still 3 or so hours away, and there is no way at all that I can change this for roughly 3/4 of a year, so I don't really have anything new that I can offer, which is why we broke up.

I want to, as you say, leave the door open, just in case that there's a chance we can get back together in a few years time, but it seems doubtful. Despite that being the case, I still refuse to give up. If I give up I could regret it for the rest of my life. But that's why I'm not sure what to do.

I've been told not to contact her because it will be easier on us both, but I simply hate that I'm not contacting her because I feel like I'm helping her shut the door on me.

I think I said that she agreed that she wouldn't mind staying friends "If I like", but yet I haven't heard anything for nearly a week. (Just wanted to quickly bring that to your attention.

Anyway, good post Danielepew and everyone else. I appreciate it

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (24 July 2007):

eyeswideopen agony auntAndy, you are simply having a bad day today. One day at a time, Buddy. You need to stay busy today, find the most mind-numbing thing to do like reading all the "I've got a crush on my teacher" posts or "why do men like porn" posts or "I think I'm ready to have sex but am only 10" posts. There's a barely visible light at the end of the tunnel but don't look at it just yet, easy does it.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (24 July 2007):

Danielepew agony auntAndy00, I was among those who recommended you to stay away from her. So, I feel responsible for what you're going through now, and I think it's only correct that I come back and say a few things to you.

You know the phrase "I've been there". Well, man, "I'm there". I know exactly what you feel. I have tried not to introduce any bias into my opinions, as I understand the huge responsibility we have when we give any opinions.

Maybe you've watched "Apocalypto"? At one time, a young Indian is fighting death. His father comes and gives him advice on what to do so that death will be less painful. There's no avoiding death; all the father can do is help with the pain, and he does. This is, maybe, what we should do for you.

I know that you want to keep the door open. You don't want to feel you were ultimately responsible for the ending of the relationship. Man, do I understand! Do call her and leave the door open. But, do it ONCE. Give her the chance, the time and space she needs.

The relationship wasn't working for her; your e-mailing her will not change that fact. If you keep offering more of the same, she will obviously refuse to take it. If the relationship is long distance, and you can't get together, there's no future, for you or her. Your future with her rests on doing something about this. If you just keep e-mailing, calling, and remembering her of times past, nothing will change, and she'll see you as pushy or clingy. You need to offer her something new.

Perhaps a good way to handle this situation would be to handle things in a way that the pain can be reduced. Such as, keeping the contact, but, doing what people in your situation need to do. It will hurt like hell when you start noticing that she is calling you less often, or e-mailing less lines, et cetera; but, like the young Indian, you'll know what to expect, and you'll be managing the situation.

Ask her if she would agree to this, too. Maybe she won't.

Flower girl has it right. It will be less painful in some time.

One word of comfort, man. You obviously knew about the long distance and you two tried hard, for two years. You died fighting, man. Keep that in your heart. It wasn't that you gave up easily. At this moment, she might not want to hear this; but I'm sure you will always have a place in her heart. And she will be with you till the day you die.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007):

thanx for asking that question. now i kno i scould forget about this guy i hardly know. and continue the relationsig with my bf ,also long distance. i would feel exactly the way u do now. when we just argue. we are argueing now. i mis him. havent seen him in 3 months. and i think u scould contact her. thats what i would want. i hope u guys get back togeather again. xxx.

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A female reader, flower girl United Kingdom +, writes (24 July 2007):

flower girl agony auntIt's perfectly normal to still be having bad days, and like you said yourself you have had alot of highs as well.

It's not feeling better yey because it is still early days babe.

I think it is best not to have that contact with her, because you still want to be with her, so if you talk to her knowing that there is no chance in the immediate future of getting back together it will just make you feel worse.

If you are going to get back together at some point it will happen even if you don't have that contact now, love has it's ways.

Take care of you and i promise you it does get easier and thats from someone that has been through it.

Take care.xx.

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A male reader, JustaGuy United Kingdom +, writes (24 July 2007):

Hey Andy

I think I remember your post from before.

It is also one month on saturday since my ex broke it off with me. Much like you I have had my ups and downs. I know exactly how you feel, i desperatly miss my girl too and would do anything to get her back. She also broke it off suddenly with me after only the day before saying how much she loved me , we even talked about visiting each other over the summer. (we have both just graduated and are on summer break).

I'm worry'd that i might lose the chance with her too if I dont contact her and it kills me to think she has just forgotten about me and moved on. Yeah the last kiss thing tears me to shreds as well, I try not to think about that!

I guess I'm not really giving advice, just letting you know I feel for you and know what your going through - your not alone.

Guess we just have to hang in there and let time tell.

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A male reader, Andy00 United Kingdom +, writes (24 July 2007):

Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Andy00 agony auntI guess I should have mentioned that last time we spoke, she's said that she doesn't want us to fixate on breaking up, otherwise that'll make her want to stay out of contact with me for good.

I could contact her, but a) Everyone has been telling me not to until now, and b) I don't think it's my place, as much I really want to. She broke up with me. She gave me the impression that we could still be friends, but yet, nearly a week without hearing anything, or saying anything.

I just don't know if contacting her/giving her space is the right thing to do. It seems like either way I lose; Contacting may not be good, nor easy for me, and giving her space will ruin any future we could have had, as unlikely as it was.

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A male reader, blazee United Kingdom +, writes (24 July 2007):

blazee agony auntdont cut her out of your life, that is one of the most confusing and painfl things you can do.

wondering with what ifs, could i have her back.

and if you've had your last kiss.

im so sorry:(

you need to talk to her, tell her all this.

if she dosent recipicare then try and realize why she cut you out of her life, but not if you dont try and get her back.

watever you do, if you have anyone to talk to, someone that you can continueslly rely on. talk to them, whenever you need to, or if you need to message me on here.

tell all your problems, and build up new relationships with new or existing people in your life so you can get over this one.

message me on here if you need to ok?

i know what your going through:(

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