A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think there is something wrong with me. my boyfriends ways get on my nerves.the way he has to go out of his way to hold the door open for very one. they don't even have to be close by, they dont even thank him.still he will stand there and wait with the door open In my opinion he goes out of his way,way too much. Always trying to be the perfect gentleman. it is starting to get on my nerves. he thinks I am exaggerating and that doing for others shouldn't making me so upset and I agree with him and tell myself I am being stupid, but when we go out and he starts to do all those things again I get annoyed and it ruins the evening. example I am talking to him and he is paying no attention because some lady over somewhere seems to be having a problem with a football. literally there was no emergency no one asked for his help. the woman's own boyfriend is standing behind her not bothering to do anything. but some how my boyfriend is so preoccupied with what happens to her I now how to stand around and wait whilst he walks over there and helps this lady with a none issue.I just see it as unnecessary and extrem. he feels he is doing the right thing.I don't wait it to be. but do you think this is grounds for a break up? or can someone get use to standing around opening doors for everyone and bending over backwards for everyone ever!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok thank you all. I think I know what I need to do.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 May 2016):
 No I don't think you should talk to him again about it, because at the end of the day that is who he is, he goes out of his way to help others because he wants to. You cannot change him or make him show you more attention. If you feel neglected then I guess that means you two are not a good fit. He should not have to change being a good person, and you should not have to change feelings jealous, I guess you are better off apart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2016): Well my bf is just the same. Once you remember we were arguing when we had been on company offsite and a colleague, no friend, wanted to get in the car he had hired. My guy left the argument halfway and went to open door for her!! As if it's needed. I open doors for myself cuz God had given me both hands n I think other people can do the same. It just gets very annoying when less importance is given to me than strangers.I think op is right and it's not about good manners or politeness; anything in excess is not good. I put my foot down and now everything is fine between us
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 May 2016):
 You CAN have another conversation, but I don't think it will change anything, like I said.. THIS is who he is (or wants to be - aka "Knight in shiny armor", "Mr. Suave gentleman") But he doesn't want to be that for YOU, he wants ALL the woman he comes across to know it so he can bask in the "glory"...
And trust me at some point it WILL be awkward for other women and their BF's when he "charges in" to do his gallant deed.
Manners are great, being courteous, polite, friendly and nice is really nice too. But when a guy leave his GF or date behind so he can run around and do polite mannerly gestures for every other female around ... it seems just a little goofy.
You could try and mirror his behavior (but towards men) and see how he reacts. The thing is, if you expect him to change - it's not going to happen. So it's a "suck it up" and accept it or.. move on. IMHO
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for taking the time to reply. I greatly appreciate it.I have walked away from him before , simply the other day when we went for a walk he stood there opening the door for a woman and her boyfriend who were walking their dog. I simply walked off it was too much I had enough. he run behind me and said I was just holding the door open because of the dogs! so I explained to him that it was over the top and unecesary but he though I was over reacting and honestly I felt like it too. so I shrugged it off. but only minutes later he is already beside himself trying to help the lady with the football.I snapped and the words I am your girlfriend not the lady with the football, not the lady with the dog, but me! so please stop leaving me standing around whilst you run to other people's aid. but he said it was only a few seconds so I just felt guilty again. that is why I felt conflicted and decided to write it here to get others opinion. I am glad to know that there are people out here who understand where I am coming from. I have no problem with politeness but if some guy in the street left his girlfriend behind so he could come and help me with an issue that is barly an emergency I would feel uncomfortable it is awkward. but I guess that's just me.I understand if some of you think I am petty and selfish. I honestly felt like it too for a while but I'll be fooling you if I said I can be ok with this. I cannot it annoys me he puts others first, when other problems are more important than me.make of that what you will.now shall I have this conversation with him one more time? thank you in advance.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 May 2016):
Oh, I don't think this is about him having manners, I think your issue with him is that he feels he HAS to run around and "rescue" every "damsel in distress" and not focus on you.
THIS is who he is, OP. Like it or not.
Someone who have a huge sense of being helpful, but also who seems to think women are helpless things. He gets some kind of satisfaction out of "helping" or being courteous. I bet when you first met him and he did this around you, you thought it was nice. But now that he "has" you as a GF he no longer feels the need to make YOU the focus of his gallantry.
I agree with Denizen, I'd walk on while he runs his "knightly errands". See what happens.
I went on a date with a guy (actually two dates) similar to yours. One who would pull out your chair, (fine) open doors (fine) but then he overheard the woman at the next table over looking for some salt - and he HAD to get up and go find salt from yet a 3rd table, even when there was a waiter right next to the lady. Another woman had dropped her napkin so he got up (during the meal) to fetch her napkin and put it on her lap. And when we were walking around the botanical garden, he actually RAN ahead so he could open the door to the palm house for another woman AND her BF... He did that several times. It wasn't just holding the door for the next person, it was almost exaggerated. It was bizarre. It wasn't just about manners - it was him getting his "rocks" off by showing off how "helpful" he was. And it was constantly.
While I DO adore manners. There IS such a thing as taking it TOO far.
So my advice if the experiment with you just continuing on leaving him holding the door for the next 5 women doesn't help, maybe you need to consider if he IS a good match for you.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (16 May 2016):
 It is commendable to be courteous, kind and helpful. However if you are starting to feel neglected because of it then leave him doing his knight errant job and go off and do your own thing. I think that when he turns around and sees you are missing he might adjust his priorities.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 May 2016):
 So, let me understand , you are complaining because your boyfriend is a gentleman with deeply engrained good manners and a natural inclination to be kind, compassionate and attentive ? ....
What can I say : I wish there were MORE people with a problem like yours !
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 May 2016):
 Using your example, next time you are talking to him but he isn't listening due to being focussed on some woman some distance away, who has a non problem, tell him how it makes you feel ... it makes you feel as if YOU are not important, that you are way down on his list of priorities so that some woman neither of you know, who hasn't enlisted his help, who will probably ask her boyfriend for help is she cant sort out her non problem herself, you are way down lower than her .... he is in such a hurry to "be polite" he is butting in where he hasn't been invited and disrespecting you in the process.
You want to know something, if it continues, and you keep getting pushed to the back so he can go rescue somebody not in distress, I would hate to contemplate living like that for the rest of my life ....
Let him know one more time how you are feeling, ie pushed to the back of the queue and of no importance.
If he takes no notice then consider breaking up, even if only for a time till he comes to his senses, but if you do that and he regresses after a while make that the end of it! Everybody deserves a chance, but not third, fourth and fifth chances.
Good luck, I hope you can sort it out.
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