A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband was a pastor, had 1 emotional affair another affair that was physical, I also had some affairs as well. He's wanting to make the marriage work, but I'm not. I met a man and he's in a bad marriage as well, we both have older children, but don't want to hurt our kids or our spouses, but we love each other very much. He lives in VA and I now live in GA, so it's very difficult. Should we divorce our spouses so we can be together or is his thinking that it will hurt our families so much that we don't know if it's the right thing to do? I live in constant turmoil in my life and just don't know what to do. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2013):
 You are serially cheating on your husband. Regardless of what your current affair partner wants to do, I think you should consider the divorce as a healthy action.
You say you don't want to make the marriage work. That's all I need to know.. if you don't want it to work then you get out.
What the other guys wants is irrelevant. Do not depend on him to be there for you. You must learn to be there for yourself.... once you learn to be alone and love yourself then you can pursue a relationship with an available partner.
Maybe your affair partner will leave his marriage and get his mental health together and be there for you when you are ready. Probably not.... but again what he does should not be the deciding factor in what you do.
You don't want to save the marriage... you need to move out and start divorce proceedings.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (12 February 2013):
 It seems like things are quite tumultuous right now. I can't imagine what you are going through.
However, I will say that it does sound like you and your husband are through. You have both cheated on one another and the only thing that is keeping you together is the fear of hurting one another the damage it will cause your children.
Let's face it, you have already hurt your spouses. You did that each time you cheated. Your children may not know what you've done by ultimately they will pay a steep price emotionally. Some children get over the fact that their parents split up, others are deeply traumatized. I think you have to weigh the pros and cons and what you can live with by breaking up your family. If they already live in turmoil, this might be a modest blip on the radar, however, if they have a tranquil life right now, it could be emotionally devastating.
Right now, your affair with the other man is still in dream mode. Sure you probably talk honestly and have great sex, but if that was the only thing that made relationships work you'd be set. But there is a lot more to that (as you probably well know). What happens when your ex's get in the picture, your friends and family figure out what you've been up to (and what will your kids thinks as they get older). Will your boyfriend's children accept you or will they harbor a life long resentment against you for breaking up their daddy's marriage?
These are all things you should consider before cutting the marital ties. Can you live with the aftermath of your decision? Is the price of freedom, in this case, too high? And what will happen if your boyfriend decides two weeks after splitting up that things aren't working out?
I would honestly encourage you to seek out therapy. Not that you are a bad person, but I suspect there is a LOT more going on in your life and having someone to talk openly and candidly about will help you see you may have more options.
Ultimately, the choice is yours and I do wish I had a more sympathetic and more direct answer. But whatever you do, it will be your decision and you will have to live with the consequences.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 February 2013):
 Wow. Two pastors in bad marriages.
You want a divorce but you shouldn't assume the other pastor wants the same thing. I don't know how religious you are but I assume it is very unlikely that a pastor would get a divorce. If I were the other pastor I would make sure that the affair is very discreet in order to protect his reputation. He would not like the public to know he got a divorce to be with a woman secretly involved in an affair. Even if you two got together you will not be well received by the community. A pastor is a role model people looked up to. If he goes forward with the divorce and then marry you he will be reduced to a common person with no leading power, no perserverance. You will be seen as a homewrecker. I think living two states apart should solve the problem. It's harder for you to meet and have an actual relationship. You can then forget about him and concentrate on your own marriage. After time if you are still miserable in your marriage you can divorce your husband and start fresh with someone else. You are not wanting to work things out because your mind is set on the other pastor. When you forget about the pastor, leave room for yourself you will then see if you really want to work on your marriage.
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