A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in this relationship for about a year. We were together for like two months, before I broke it off, and then maybe half a year passed before we got back together, which is where we are now. Its not all bad things that I have to say about her. I think we agree in a lot of places politically and spiritually. It was a big change from my previous relationship, where we simply did not talk about these things. We can have good conversations, and we have good sex.Right now I'm working, and she's going to school. I pay all the rent, and all the bills. She can't drive, so I have to give her rides places. I'm understanding that her classes make it hard to hold down a job, but to anyone we are with she'll talk about 'when she gets a job.' I don't see the resumes go out, but she needs to make this claim to feel secure. She claims she can cook, but I end up doing most of that. She does laundry, but that's about it for housework.She will do other things if I ask step-by-step (ok, now you can put your plate in the dishwasher since you've rinsed it) so that its faster to do them myself. If I bring it up she tells me that I "just have to ask."She spends most of her at-home time on her computer. She'll tell me random stuff that she's reading about, and then complain about how her homework is 'not-fair' when she has to do it last minute. Sometimes I'll remind her that her homework is part of the reason I shell out for internet; she tells me to 'shut-up.'The catch is, she is in school, and doing pretty well. I live pretty close to her college, and I don't know how else she'd get to school if it weren't for living here. I feel for her, I don't want to mess up her education, and I think that she has legitimately not had the resources she has needed to do well in school up to this point. I don't want to pull the rug out from under her, but I feel like the same is happening to me.She wants to get married. I keep saying I'm withholding judgement until I see where this education takes her. I honestly can't envision a future where its not me carrying the bulk of the load. She wouldn't have to ask me, either, I'm too nice like that.I can't just kick her to the curb. Both emotionally, and because she's on the lease. Partially I feel like I'm letting myself be walked over, but then I wonder if I just need to give it some patience and time. I've literally told her that I don't want her in my life. That she's dragging me down, that she isn't pulling her load. I've told her to get out, only to go back on that later. In response, she keeps claiming that she can change. Sometimes it comes in fits and starts, but often, I just don't see it.I don't know what to do. Getting rid of her would be an uphill battle, its not something that I could just accomplish in a conversation due to all the attachments. It would also involve admitting to myself that I was wrong all those times I relented to her. Maybe it would damage her education or job prospects.Staying with her may be good, we get along in certain ways, we have a lot of thoughts that we share. It also may be a constant drag on my life. I feel trapped at home, even though I probably wouldn't have anyplace to go even if she weren't there; I feel trapped at work, because I know where the paycheck goes. I feel like an idiot for getting myself into this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I explained to her that the finances were leading to a lot of stress in my life. I told her that any income would be helpful, it doesn't need to be a full-time or high paying job to contribute.I think she understood, and I do know that I see things from a different angle since I'm working. I would hope that should she find a job (she does have some prospects, she just hasn't taken up any of them), this may change her perspective so we can see more eye to eye.Depending on the outcome of this, I'll either wait to see what the job changes, or create a deadline where she needs to start contributing or move out.For her part, I know that she is taking advantage, but I don't necessarily know that a different relationship would change this: I need to communicate my needs more, rather than simply assuming she would perceive and know what they are. If she is willing to meet those needs, then maybe there's a future, but if they're too much for her, then the problems will continue.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2013):
 you are not happy. I sense that you are trying to find a way to get out of this situation and still remain the good guy. It's not going to happen.
Breakups when one person does not see the problem are never easy.
Obviously you care about her as a person but to worry about what she does if you end the relationship is not healthy for you... it's not your responsibility to take care of her if she is not pulling her weight.
In addition it sounds very much like you have taken on a parental role with her vs a partner role.
Parents remind kids to do homework not partners.
you don't say how old she is but if she is younger than you it may be a maturity issue.
You say "she can do other things if I ask step by step"
well in my house if my husband wants me to do something or more than a one step item I can't take a whole laundry list of things to do without writing them down or have him say one step at a time. It's a limitation of my brain and how i function. He hates it but he is resigned to it.
I know that some of the things you listed sound like it may be an organic issue such as ADHD or learning disabilities. If this is the case, well then there is not much you can do to change who she is organically... and if you do not feel able to cope with her limitations (and if you don't that's fine) then you must begin to end the relationship.
If you know you want out (and right now where you stand you want out) then you must start preparing her for this or at least let her know what is going on and that you are leaving.
If you cannot leave now and you won't throw her out during the school year, well then you need to let her know that it's not working and let her know why. Ask her if she wants to make an effort to fix the problems and if she does, then sit down and WRITE A PLAN OUT to fix the issues. Maybe a written schedule of chores including who cooks and cleans and what days....
If you do not want to attempt to fix it (and that's ok too) then you need to sit her down and let her know that when the semester is over she needs to start looking for new accommodations as it's just not working for you any more. It's working for her so she won't see the problem and it's going to be very uncomfortable.... but there is not much else you can do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): It is suppose to be a "team" effort. She needs to buck up and find a job so that she can start paying bills. Yes, it is hard to find jobs. I realize the economy has imploded. She needs to contact a college counselor that can help her find a job on campus.Through life my husband lost jobs, I lost jobs. He made more than me, than I would make more than him. The money intake went into one account. We never lauded who made more money than the other. We were committed to paying the bills and did what ever it would take to get those bills paid, even if it meant taking on a part-time job besides our regular job. Or he would work over-time. I worked over-time, always for a company, for decades...never had a life. We never divided household chores. He would cook or I would cook. He would clean or I would clean. It was give and take the way a relationship should be.It is upsetting for me to hear that people take advantage of another considering I gave my all to my job with the immense overtime I put in.But, I guarantee, if she was on her own and not with you, she would find a job pronto.It's time for her to take responsibility for herself and grow up.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (12 February 2013):
Ok. You need to run, and run now. She is a taker, and that will likely never change. IMO relationships need to be a balance. I make much more money than my fiancee, but I have not cooked a meal or washed a dish in four years. Ergo, I do things for her, she does things for me. Its a balance. This girls balance is you doing everything. That will not work long term, and she will not change.Get out, and get out yesterday.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): Having been in a similar situation when I was younger where I was literally carrying all the bills for years while my boyfriend studied and 'looked' for jobs I can feel your resentment. I would not mind if I had come home to a clean home and my meals were cooked etc but he did nothing without instruction. Resentment grew. Personally I think because of her laziness in the home and her inability to look for a job that you have become resentful and fallen out of love with her. You are not responsible for her and I am sorry to say but I would want to end the relationship. She needs to take some responsibility for herself, learn to drive and not freeload. I can see she gives you no problems in other areas which is good but this kind of thing eats away at you. Being the breadwinner and the person who has to carry the load at home is tiresome and creates deep anger and frustration on the paying partner. I certainly would not entertain any marriage until she has finished her studies and has a job and has learned basic housekeeping skills. Partners who are a drain on anothers resources become annyoying after a while. Unfortunately for me I did not learn and have gone on to support and pay for other people all my life. Recently this has reached a crisis for me and I now will not pay for things and I say openly if you want this then you have to earn the money and buy it or save up for it. This goes down very badly but I will no longer back down. I found after two months of doing this that my bank account had almost doubled in income and that was all the motivation I needed. You do have to be hard to carry this off especially if you really love the person and they have done you no harm but sometimes 'spongers' have to learn.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 February 2013):
 You still care for her as a friend but you lost love for her. You have high expectations and she just wants to stay young and carefree for a longer time. She is taking you for granted. For her to appreciate you a certain maturity is needed. Working really changes a person.
You feel trapped because you are not in love with her anymore. When she talks about marriage she is being shortsighted because she is not acknowledging how upset you are. She wants to make it seem like you are non committal.
It's hard to say what to do. It depends on how long she is on the lease. I suppose at the end of the school year, in June, you can tell her to go back home. Unless she could show you she applied for jobs before September, and will start working for enough hours. Applying for jobs on campus is a simple process. Jobs like security, cafeteria, librarian, even tutoring should not be difficult. You have to negotiate how much you want from her. If she wants to convenience of being close to school, then she has to make it easy for you too.
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