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Is it wrong to tell someone who has depression that you can't be there for then anymore if they don't want to help the self?

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Question - (20 April 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 22 April 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Is it wrong to tell someone who has depression that you can't be there for then anymore if they don't want to help the self? My boyfriend has depression which is not diagnosed but I've had it previously and know he does now. I've done everything I can to get him to the doctor but he refuses. I can't do this anymore because I'm not strong enough and if he can't help himself I can't help him and I want to leave

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (22 April 2017):

Honeypie agony auntNothing wrong in deciding this is not what you want anymore.

There is only so much you can do for others when it comes to mental health and those things you have tried and it didn't work out.

Living with a husband with PTSD I know how hard it is to not only convince him that HE does need help, but that it is OK to SEEK help. I think men, in general, have a much harder time reaching out for help because they see it as a sign of weakness.

When it comes to depression I know MANY people who have the notion that it's something you "snap" out of. It isn't. It's a deep black hole you need help getting out of.

You CAN tell his family that you have tried to help that that you feel helpless in the situation. My guess is he will downplay it to them as he does to himself.

Maybe YOU leaving is the push he needs, maybe he hasn't HIT bottom yet. Either way, if this is making YOUR life miserable it's DEFINITELY OK to walk away.

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A female reader, CassieMosswing United Kingdom +, writes (22 April 2017):

CassieMosswing agony auntYou done everything you can. You cannot deny your own needs.

Your going to run out of air trying to be nurturing and taking responsibility in helping him when he doesn't want it. You would feel you got no one else to turn too.

you wouldn't feel available for anyone but for yourself because you want to keep your own mental mind healthy aswell.

You can't stay in a stressful relationship without any possible future for the both of you. Don't stay out of duty or guilt and don't take it personally when your partner gets annoyed with you, It's his illness. You deserve happiness too. I do agree that his friends and family should know about his depression so he's not on his own.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (21 April 2017):

chigirl agony auntIt's not wrong. It's the right thing to do. You can not help someone who does not help themselves. If you try to, you only end up being sucked down with them. And what good will that do anyone? The right thing to do in this situation is to back away.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntNo there is nothing wrong with you putting yourself first. He is struggling mentally at the moment, but that is not your responsibility. It appears women tend to deal with their mental health better than men. Maybe encourage him to talk to family members if you are worried about him. But don't stay with him out off guilt.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (21 April 2017):

N91 agony auntNo, it's good that you've realised this before he starts to drag you down with him. If he won't seek help there's nothing at all you can do for him I'm afraid.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (21 April 2017):

mystiquek agony auntNo, there is nothing wrong with walking away. If you have tried to help someone and they refuse to seek help you have to accept that they don't want help. Its sad and its hard but sometimes you have to save yourself. I say this after being married to an alcoholic for 16 years. The day he said he liked to drink and wasn't going to stop, I knew I couldn't win no matter what. Walk away with a clear conscious, its alright to do so. Sometimes we just can't help someone no matter what we do.

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A female reader, suzzzque269 United States +, writes (21 April 2017):

suzzzque269 agony auntnope...not at all! its a good thing you refuse to put up with his behavior. now he might go get help but if not just remember its not your problem

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2017):

You need to put yourself first , he has to learn to take care of himself, I suffer with depression myself and without pills I wouldn't cope at all I have chemical imbalance I would totally understand if my partner could not deal with me .. Your partner should care enough to let you go if you can not be happy together ...dont feel guilty your intituled to be happy, go be young and care free you never kno if or when your depression will resurface....hopefully your partner will get the help he needs once you leave ,he will however sink alittle more but he will be ok

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2017):

By your post is it correct to say you live with him sweetie ? If so you need to bring his family on friends on board if your looking to leave .

Depression is the root of evil as a mental health nurse I can applaud your journey as you will now the journey is never quite over, there always that little grey cloud lurking or mucky pool trying to either rain or suck you in .

However, if you can't cope . You must think of your own mental

Emotional health as well . But you must also think what support does he have .. let his family and friends know you need to leave it isn't about not loving him.. it's about keeping your own sanity at the minute .

Make a plan . You can also contact your local doctor or cpn and let them

Know you are concerned in regard to his welfare and mental state say you want it on record . Some clinics take referrals from family members . So you may get his parents or sister brother to help there . Then go .

If you can be friends then stay on the side lines by letter I would suggest for the first 6 months and see how that does .

If not then a clean break all round .. it will be tough no matter what you chose but your own mental health as fragile as you know it is has to be thought of too .

Chin up cx

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