A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My mother tells me that because I am single and without kids I don't understand her nor my siblings who are married. There's been many times when according to her I'm at fault. I just feel that is wrong for her to tell me this. If I'm not married nor have any kids, what's wrong with that? I try to analyze the situation the best that I can so I could understand but I can't see things as a mom or a wife if I'm not in that stage of life. How do I go about this? At my age she was already married and had kids. I don't even have a boyfriend. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2017): Sounds to me that she wants you to get married and have kids like she did.Everyone is different.That she said those things to you is her way of guilting you.Do not yeild to her guilting you.Do not get married or have kids to make her happy do what makes you happy.I am the same person I was when I was single as I am married.You do not change just because you get married and have kids...life just gets more busy. My kids are all different.1 is married...1 is living with someone....1 lives by themselves and dates both girls and boys...but you know what I love them all and I love talking with them because they are not all the same.I suggest you surrond your self with good friends and be happy.Your mother and sibs will not change they are who they are.So my advice to you is to not let this bother you so much.Tune it out.Be yourself.Just do what is right for you.And when she says you do not know because you were true to yourself do not let it get to you.Maybe in time your mother will realize the pain her judgement of you caused.But I would not hold my breath waiting for that.Just be happy only do what makes you happy and do not let haters destroy your being happy.And no you are not spolied...how that agony aunt could have suggested that baffeld my mind.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2017): If you witness someone belting their child you can call the police on emergency number and they will attend depending on which country you are in.
It is important to do this due to the childs vulnerability and age and their helplessness to do this for themselves.
Some people will disagree but thats not your problem as you will be saving the childs life!
The abuse you see publicly is the tip of the iceberg.
So next time dont hesitate just do it!
As for the mother who has nothing better to do than critisise just ignore her!
Sounds like her life has ground to a halt!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2017): If you witness someone belting their child you can call the police on emergency number and they will attend depending on which country you are in.
It is important to do this due to the childs vulnerability and age and their helplessness to do this for themselves.
Some people will disagree but thats not your problem as you will be saving the childs life!
The abuse you see publicly is the tip of the iceberg.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (7 July 2017):
 Caring Aunty A - Sorry, but did you just say that the kid was BELTED for not eating breakfast??? I would have been calling the POLICE if some kid was getting whipped for not eating breakfast. In that case, it wouldn't have mattered about being or not being a mom. Seeing abuse would have had me seeing red! I know that's in the past, but reading your response made me want to go find this nameless abusive mom and strangle her with her own belt!
Anyways, OP, I *am* a mom and a wife, and I can tell you, that you aren't disqualified from being right because you HAVE had parents, and you WERE a child. You don't have to be a mom or a wife to see dysfunction or abuse. If you see abuse, that's good that you say something!!
If you're critical about parenting or marriage in general (i.e. you don't like that a parent withholds video games until a kid does their homework), then that falls under the "you're not a mom" territory, since being a mom does give you a different perspective. As far as a marriage goes, if your mom was talking about her marriage between herself and your dad or your siblings, again, best to stay out of arguments and marital strife UNLESS you see outright abuse. If you see someone slapping or hitting their spouse, or if you catch one of them cheating with someone else, then you can say something!
So what are you at FAULT for??? Why is not being married or having kids a FAULT?? I get giving marital advice when you're not married, but what's the FAULT?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2017): Your mother is being somewhat passive-aggressive, condescending, and chiding you for not aggressively seeking a husband. She is old-school and traditional, but bordering on the mean-mommy-dearest side. (Channel Joan Crawford)
She shoots down your opinions and undermines your ability to see things rationally or with better judgement; because she thinks you have to have a man attached, and push-out babies to offer a valid opinion. Only because that's all she knows.
She's stuck in the 20th century!
She has forgotten single-women still have brains, can raise kids alone, still be intellectual, and have an acute self-awareness. Even if they don't have husbands.
Child psychologists and pediatricians don't have to have children to know how to practice their profession and give opinions. We were all kids once! Some wisdom comes from memory and experience.People can be married for years and not really know each other.
She is basically nudging you to get a husband. It's what mothers do. Especially the pushy kind.
It might bother you if you have a guilty-conscience; or you're over-sensitive about the fact you don't have a husband. Otherwise; embrace your independence, and let her mean words roll off your back. You're likely to be the one she turns to in her old age when everyone else is way too busy with their own families to give her the time of day.
Parents tend to forget they'll be old, weak, and feeble someday; and don't remember how deep their cruel insensitive words cut. They'll need someone to care for them. They'll want visits, affection, and to feel included. Married-people get busy with their own families. They also divorce!!!
When she starts down that road, just humorously remind her; maybe you'll be the one still around to take her in, when she can't take care of herself. Even the one to pull the plug! Be respectful now! This is only kidding, with a little reality behind it to give it a kick. Don't always take her words to heart. It's her job to propagate guilt.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (7 July 2017):
 It’s patronising that’s what it is. Just because you are neither wife nor mother you lack understanding according to them. Unless you totally lack empathy or cannot draw wisdom from others experience, then yes your Mother may have a point in what she’s saying.
My example was; I had this thrown up in my face from a GF and I did take offence to her response after I dared to question her method of disciplining her 5 year old boy. Knowing my GF I felt her poor kid was set up to fail!
He was given a bag of lollies before we set off for a BBQ breakfast. Now A Mother I was not, however I was a child once myself, taught by my parents and you can bet your kidneys a kid is going to be impatient, hungry and tempted to eat lollies before we get to the park and cook breakfast?
Naturally he didn’t eat his eggs and for that he received a severe lecture about all the other hungry children in the world and was belted for not eating his breakfast! NOT my parenting technique I mentioned, but hey who was I but not a Mother, a wife at the time. So my GF patronised me, pointing out I'm not a mother, when you're a mother blah blah blah I'd understand!
I say; Spectators see better than Actors. Did I have to be a parent, married or both to understand this horrid spectral; NO! It’s not as if my folks didn’t give me good examples of parenting for later.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (6 July 2017):
 We don't necessarily have to be in someone's shoes to empathize with them and understand their situation as human beings. Is your mother trying to tell you you lack empathy?
You are upset/angry at your mother but take a step back and consider whether she may have a point. Are you the youngest child in the family? Have you been spoiled because of that? Do you expect others to fall in with your wishes and plans because that is what you have been used to?
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