A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I told my girlfriend that I think relationships at my age are more to do with fun rather than love and she got really upset.I do love her but I don't want a serious relationship just yet. I'm only 17. I've been going out with her for over a year and my feelings for her have changed slightly but I do still love her. What am I supposed to do. She hasn't text me at all today and she always does.I'm only 17 and there's so much I want to do in my life before settling down. I told her this and also that I want to enjoy myself before I have to worry about bills etc.Help me out please
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 December 2008):
 First of all, stop beating yourself up for having these feelings. You are right, you're only 17 and you have lots of things to experience. When the time is right, and you're ready, you will know. Trust me on this.
Second, don't stop being honest with yourself or your girlfriend. You might be able to find more tactful ways of expressing your feelings, but don't start pretending you feel something you don't. That is actually worse, it's like lying and ultimately, that will cause more problems and more hurt than sticking to the truth.
Third, sometimes life is all about timing. As long as you keep your integrity and your honesty, and remember that other's people dignity and feelings deserve respect and understanding, you will meet wonderful people. At different stages in your life, you will encounter girls and women who would be practically perfect for you. Right now, you're too young for a really serious relationship. Later on, when you are in a committed and exclusive relationship, you might meet a really attractive and desirable woman, but because you know that you've made a commitment, you won't act on those feelings of attraction. It's about timing and respect and commitment.
So perhaps you might have found a better way to express your feelings to her, and she's upset right now. She's upset because she's experiencing what you told her as a rejection of her. In fact, it's not really about her, it's about you and where you are in your life. You have to try to get this across to her, if she does start speaking to you again. I'm pretty sure she will. In a bit of a painful way, you're part of her life's lessons too. She's going to have to learn all of what I just wrote here, and unfortunately for you, you are the one delivering the bad news.
So now what you have to do is remember to treat her with the dignity and respect she deserves. You care about her and you want what's best for her, but you know that you're not ready for a serious commitment. Even if she gets very angry with you, try to keep your composure and remember that she's really angry at the situation. She does love you, and care about you, and that is a precious gift from one human being to another. Keep that in mind, and treasure it, even if you have to regretfully turn aside her wish to get serious. You can do this without being the bad guy. You're already halfway there because you care enough to even ask this question here.
Yes, she's going to be angry and hurt and upset. But she will get over it, and in time, she'll come to understand that the timing was bad and won't blame you quite so much. Time to grow those broad shoulders men are expected to have. ;)
As you're not really ready to be serious, you are doing her a favor by letting her go, so that she can meet other guys and continue in her own maturing process.
I expect you'll be starting college, if you're not already in it, or choosing your career if you're on that path. Between now and your mid 20s, you'll go through many changes and you should experience what life has to offer. Learn about yourself, learn about others, keep your education a priority. Watch out for alcohol and drugs which can cause you to make stupid moves! Stay true to yourself, don't blindly follow the crowd and remember that everyone you encounter has a story to tell and something to teach you.
Okay, I'm going to stop this now, as I'm getting way too preachy, sorry for that. But you're listening now, and maybe someday my words, or someone else's words will come back to you and help you through a rough patch.
Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): Yes, you are right. Relationships at your age are more to do with 'learning' about connections and bonding, rather than love. It is preparing you for that big step in the adult 'world' when you do want to settle down. Many, many young adolescents feel the same way you do. And I most certainly don't blame you for not wanting a serious relationship at this point in your life. With that said, let's not forget there are couples who are high school sweethearts and have made the transition into marriage, later on when they have matured. And it has worked! But it only worked because they realized, that being together, was something 'both' of them wanted. Clearly, you don't want that, right now. And that's ok. You want to have fun and enjoy life, date others possibly, and that is a good, healthy way to view life. Young folks should always take things slowly, have fun and let the relationship, progress, day by day.
While I commend you for your honesty with her, she is viewing you as her 'one and only', at this point. Females do this more often, as they engage their emotions so readily and early, in a dating relationship. Guys tend to hold back a bit. So if you didn't want to lose her, why even tell her this?? By telling her this, you were sending her a big message, that the relationship for you, has run it's course. So agony Uncle, 'Boredatwork' is dead on when he says, that "you have already decided'..that this relationship is not going to fly. She now realizes that is 'not the one' that holds your heart and yes, she's very hurt by this, as she is very bonded to you. If she hasn't texted you, yet then she is likely do some very heavy thinking and reassessing the the future of this relationship, and I suggest you give her that space.So do the fair thing here, don't keep her hanging around because you like the 'convenience' of her...cut her loose, hun..let her heal recover and move on from you. She is young, vibrant and she also needs to experience dating others, as well as you do. And once she does experience other dating partners, the same as you want...she will be over her hurt. She will eventually let go and move on. Good luck and take care
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (5 December 2008):
 Maybe you're not ready to settle down, telling that to your girlfriend is like telling her you don't have love or see a future with her.
When there's love, it's not about settling down. It's just spending time with the person you love. If you don't love her and want to move on, don't waste her time and leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): You are exactly right to want to relax and have fun at your age. If you were to get married at 17 you would either lose the most fun years of your life and be mad at her for it, or end up going out to have fun while married and end up ruining the marriage and breaking her heart.
You need to concentrate on getting into college. I found the friends of my lifetime in college. I have been out for 30 years (so I am ancient) and still email and call my college buddies all the time. You will meet a million beautiful girls between now and the time you turn 25. It is not fair to her or to you to get to serious to fast. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (5 December 2008):
 I'd say something like, hey, if we live to be 80 that means we both have 60 more years to go, you haven't even got to the first20... what's the rush?
Also, you might have her read what the other aunties have told you. Good luck! LOL
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 December 2008):
 You shouldnt feel guilty for feeling like this at all, it is natural at 17 to want to have fun and you should continue to have fun for as long as you can! You already sound mature just from recognising that you are only young, so many people your age believe that they will be with their childhood sweetheart for ever but then get a big shock when they leave school!It depends what your definition of fun is here though? Do you want to be single and have "fun" that way, meeting other girls etc and just fooling around? Or do you just want the freedom of not having to worry about another person? Make sure your not just splitting up with her to go out on the pull on a friday night, the novelty of that will weat off and you might feel like you made a mistake. But if you genuinely want to have your own freedom and time to yourself to do with what you like then the right thing to do is end it now and not lead her on.I made the mistake of bouncing around from one relationship to another since the age of 15 (I'm now 21) and I have never been single. I have lost a lot of my personality and I dont really know who I am as I have had a series of serious relationships, and looking back I wish I had let myself enjoy being young. 17 is a great age and you should enjoy every moment, do what makes you happy and to hell with what everyone else wants! You will never get this time back so do what feels right to you, you dont want to be like me at 21 living with your partner struggling to pay bills wishing you had done things differently!
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (5 December 2008):
 Sweetie, you and your girlfriend are both still very young. You should both be out there having fun not doing the serious thing of wanting to settle down. I got married at 19 and now 20 years later I regret not having fun whilst I was younger. If you are not ready to commit, be honest with your girlfriend and walk away.
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A
male
reader, Boredatwork +, writes (5 December 2008):
 I think you have already decided mate,Many people at your age wonder exactly the same thing. I was in a relationship from 18-23 and i regret not getting out sooner.If you think your not ready to settle down and are happy to walk away, then please do. As its not fair on her if you know its not right for you, or where you want to be.
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