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Is it right to take a lover now?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Marriage problems, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 September 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 17 September 2016)
A female South Africa age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I am a twenty two year old married Indian woman. My husband has been working overseas for the last four years. He last visited me in August 2014 when we spent two weeks together

I spent my twentieth birthday in December 2014 with my parents, where I met Derek.I was introduced to Derek by his sister, Lynette, who is my friend. Derek is a 55 year old married Black. Derek hugged me and kissed me. Intentionally or unintentionally Derek had his hand on my buttocks. I got the distinct feeling that he was caressing them.

One thing led to another and I let Derek have sex with me. Derek is superbly fit and does not look a day older than forty. Derek had sex with me for over an hour. Derek made me feel like a princess. It was the best birthday present that I ever had.

Later that day Derek drove me home. Derek had sex with me again at my flat. Derek suggested that we spend the night together and I gladly agreed. Derek spent the night having sex with me repeatedly. I thoroughly enjoyed having sex with Derek.

The next day Derek had sex with me twice. Before leaving he asked me if he could continue to have sex with me. I asked him if his wife would not mind and Derek told that his wife was sickly and could not have sex. I told Derek that he could have sex with me.

Since then Derek and I have been having sex everyday. Sometimes Derek spends the whole day having sex with me several times. We spend every weekend having sex. Both Derek and i love having sex.

Derek's wife died in July last year.

Derek continued to have sex with me everyday.

Now Derek wants me to divorce my husband live with him and have his baby.

I have not seen my husband for two years and I am not sure that I love him anymore.

Do I accept Derek's proposal to live with him and have his baby. Derek has no children from his wife.

Athma

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 September 2016):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI notice most sentences start with "Derek".

What about Athma? What does Athma want?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (16 September 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntYou are cheating on your husband, even though he is away it does not mean that he deserves to be treated like this. Your husband would be better off finding out the truth so that he can find a woman who is going to be faithful to him.

As for Derek, he is 23 years older than you, more than double your age. If you where to have children with him, you need to see that he would not be around for long to watch them grow in to adulthood. The sex might be good, but a relationship might not work with such a huge gap between you both.

It is your choice at the end of the day.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2016):

There is hardly any bonds left to tie you to your husband since you have been intimate more times with Derek than your husband. The only decent thing to do is tell your husband the whole truth and ask for divorce which I hope he will accept without much trouble.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (16 September 2016):

N91 agony auntWell you definitely don't love your husband if you're having sex with another man. If you want to get divorced then nothing is stopping you. Do whatever will make you happy.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (16 September 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntThis sounds more like a fantasy than real life. However, I'll answer as though it's genuine.

I think you should leave your husband, as you're not getting anything out of the relationship.

However, you shouldn't have a baby with a man just because you've been enjoying sex. You should have a baby out of a deep, long-term love and preferably marriage. You should have a baby with a random guy you have sex with.

Personally, I think the age gap is too much. He's essentially groomed you and is now asking for a baby without any courtship or love between you. It's manipulative and you have no idea if he'd be a good husband or father, just someone you like in the bedroom.

Divorce your husband. Spend several months getting to know the new guy without having sex all the time, consider engagement and marriage, but don't have a child within the next 3 years, as it should take at least that long to divorce your husband, properly get to know this other man and marry him *if* you love each other.

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