A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some help and guidance here because I don't know what i am doing or if im doing the right thing anymore.Right ---- so my boyfriend of six months has entered a rehab program for alcohol addiction and due to problems inside there (some guy tried to physically assault him!!!!!!!) he doesn't want to stay anymore, even though he has another 2weeks of his program to go.He told me about the violent situation and it really terrified me, especially since he says he could be killed in there. I got in touch with his father (a single dad of three sons) and told him the situation, asking him on behalf of his son in rehab to let him come out early. the father says that he doesn't want his son home (there have been issues with them living together in the past), so he spoke to his son and told him to wait in there until he organizes him some accomodation or something...But when i spoke to my boyfriend about this, he said he had told me numerous times that it was dangerous in there - he implied that I should have done something to help. But what could i have done? Pulled him out of rehab? is it really my call?I have been v. supportive of him throughout his recovery but now it feels like i am not doing enough. However, in the past when i have 'bailed him out' of situations and hooked him up with accommodation, he would end up drinking again. So that is another aspect of the situation: if i get him out of rehab and help him with money (which i don't really have much of as i am a student), then he could just go drink again. Then wouldn't that be just as bad as his current situation - or worse? I feel like i am in a catch 22 situation and would like to have some objective opinions.Thanks for reading and helping. I feel very anxious about this situation. :(
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (7 October 2014):
You shouldn't have bailed him out before and you shouldn't have now. Sorry, but he is incapable of having a relationship until HE sorts himself out. I know you mean well but he is in the best place for now and he could be just saying all this in order to get out and drink again. If you are concerned however, ring the rehab centre and let them know what he has told you. Good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): People in rehab say anything, sometimes - and usually to the one person that they habitually emotionally manipulate the most - to get out early. My sister did the same to me. I had to leave her in rehab/mental health hospital over Xmas once, totally alone. Yes, it's heart breaking, but it has to be done - she's rehabilitated now, years later, and still tries to emotionally manipulate me and I still have to be very, very careful not to let her. If you allow them to manipulate your boundaries and emotions, all that happens is that they expect to be able to find a 'back way'/underhand way of dealing with life, if not from you, then from others. It really, honestly, is for their own good - they're a bit like children having to re-learn basic concepts and life-skills and they will behave like children to try to get out of doing so.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (6 October 2014):
 Have you considered that your boyfriend might be spinning a little tale in order to get out early?
Have you had any confirmation of his story from an official source?
People with addictions are not always honest and will say anything in order to get their next fix, be it alcohol or drugs. If you can talk to his referring case worker and explain the situation. You need to get to the truth before you make any decisions.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 If there is a situation in rehab then your boyfriend needs to go to someone in charge in the rehab and tell th em the problem. They have seen it all.
If you enable him to get out of rehab you are enabling him to continue his addiction.
sadly it sounds as if he was forced to go to rehab and that once he is out he will be using again.
do not enable him to get out early.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (6 October 2014):
You are absolutely right that if you allow him to leave rehab, put him up and put money in his pocket, he’ll go straight back to drink, because he’s learned that he will always be shielded from rock bottom by others. You’d be enabling him to carry on drinking which would ultimately be the most harmful outcome to him. Addicts are very good at making every misfortune some-one else’s fault, and some-one else’s responsibility to sort out. What your boyfriend needs is tough love and to see this rehab out. There must surely be some security staff at the centre he’s staying in, or something that can be done to separate him from the person who assaulted him. To get this kind of rehab is a real stroke of good luck and a golden opportunity for him to quit his drinking with proper, supervised help and support. Why has nobody suggested engaging with the rehab centre before talking about allowing him to pull out and finding him accommodation? You may think this unkind, but remember that an addict is capable of saying anything to get what they want. He may be genuinely frightened but he may also be using this as the perfect excuse to leave the rehab programme and have everyone feel sorry for him and proclaim that it wasn’t his fault. You should be firm that you’re not going to give him an easy ride out of rehab, and demand to see more effort to ensure his safety and report any incidents to the staff. Offer to support him in doing that instead.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 You are between the hard place and the rock here BUT, I think I'd let the ab progam ply out. If he goes home to dear old dad, he could relapse. Just hang in there and continue to support his progress. Just pray,good luck
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