A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I love my husband, but I don't like him. We've had a rocky relationship of 5 years, married for 2.The first 2 years we fought all the time, and his temper was out of control but in the next year, we worked hard to work out the issues in our relationship. Things seemed well, so we married. Recently, problems have been escalating again. I think my discontent with my husband began around 6 or 7 months ago when our sex life severely declined. He started talking about wanting me to get vaginal reconstruction surgery to make it 'prettier' (my vagina is perfectly normal, BTW, never had kids, and I don't want to get surgery). Then he began making all sorts of excuses to not have sex with me. It has been about a month since we've had sex that he didn't give up on after just a few minutes.We started fighting again after one day when he called me names. he was saying it jokingly but to my ears it sounded like he was calling me a crappy wife. We got over it and promised not to call each other names, even if it was meant as a joke. My husband started working a second job, even though we don't need the extra income as we're fine on our two incomes without a third. He's hardly home now and he's always sleeping when he is home. The other day he got mad at me for something stupid that was 100% his fault no matter what way you look at it, which he apologized for a few hours later. I was glad he apologized and was ready to move on until I told him "I forgive you" and he said "well I haven't forgiven you yet." He acted like he was joking, but it pissed me off so bad, especially when later that night he nagged at me about it saying it was still my fault. Why couldn't he just apologize properly and own up to what he did?That was the straw that broke the camel's back. For the past week I have felt completely emotionally dead towards him. I feel sick when I look at him. I want to just let the house go to shit and let him take care of everything. I have seriously considered divorce, but I don't know if I'm ready to deal with the unknown that comes after....I have thought about talking it out with him but I have no idea how to approach the subject without just escalating the problem. When I have tried to open up to him in he past, he usually just got angry. How do you tell a man with a temper that things need to change or else it's best we divorce?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 November 2013):
 So start to build yourself a little nest-egg, put aside enough to get you home, look for a job back there (try online and interview on Skype if possible). Ask family if you can stay with them and if they can help you with a job.
Since you don't have kid and don't own property together you can actually look for divorce online (which can be pretty cheap) again, you want WAIT til you are back "home". I believe there is a small filing feel at the courthouse, but all in all you can get it over and done with faster that way.
And yes, I don't blame you for not just packing a back and walk out the door. Have an exit plan. Save up, sell stuff on garage sales or Craigslist, that you can get "rid off" (not his crap of course). Does the job you have now have a branch near your family? Maybe look into a transfer?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor me the unknown is the fact I will have no job, no home, no insurance. I moved far away from my home and to divorce would mean giving up everything and starting completely new. but I think it is my only option
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): Why are you so afraid of "the unknown " (whatever that means) that you would rather live like this? For goodness sake you don't live in a war zone where you may get killed or maimed or raped any day any time. What is this "unknown" you are so terrified of? I really am struggling to understand your fear of whatever could be worse than your marriage.
I think your fear of "the unknown" is really blown out of proportion. If anything it is guaranteed yo be free of abuse from this jerk. You need to take a step back and gain some perspective.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice, everyone. We had more issues yesterday when he brought home his friends. I'm fine with that, but he told me that I wouldn't have to do anything, that he would buy food and take care of his friends. Well, go figure, when he came home, no food, and he went and plopped down on his ass and ordered me around to do everything. His friends are good guys, so I made food for their sake, not my husband's.my husband said he was working yesterday afternoon, too, but something felt fishy, so I checked his phone this morning. We have automatic notifications set up for when we use the credit card, and sure enough, 5 different charges in the span of 5 hours when he was supposed to be at work. 2 of them are of suspicious origin, too. There was also a text from his boss from during the week saying that my husband had yesterday off, so I know for absolute certain that he lied to me.I think I'm done. The unknown is better than this bullshit.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): "How do you tell a man with a temper that things need to change or else it's best we divorce?"
You don't.
You accept that he is who he is, and you either choose to stay in a perpetually dysfunctional marriage or you choose to leave.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (9 November 2013):
 Wellll, if he were my husband my first response to the comment about vaginal reconstruction would have been that hopefully the plastic surgeon offered "couples" discounts, because I wasn't satisfied with his d**k either ;)But then again I honestly wouldn't be interested in "fixing" a marriage like this, and so if my words made him feel as crappy as his words to me made me feel, I wouldn't be bothered by it.Two years is VERY early in a marriage for things to deteriorate so far, so quickly... I actually had to re-read your post to make sure I'd read the timing correctly. Posts like yours seem much more common after the couple has been married for years and years and the sex finally takes a nose dive because one of the partners has lost interest, let him/herself go, you name it. But you're young and healthy and so is he, and if things are this bad already in what is supposed to be the honeymoon period of your marriage - no kids, no sexual dysfunction, no health scares - then I'd look very closely at where the marriage is headed.As Honeypie says, you could broach the subject of marriage counseling, but no amount of counseling is going to change his personality, and that's what seems to be the real problem here. It seems you have married a shallow and narcissistic man who may have managed to hide these qualities from you before the two of you married. Now that he is feeling comfortable in the relationship, you're legally bound to him and he doesn't have to impress you, he's showing you what his true colors are. The question is whether you are prepared to spend the rest of your life - very likely more years than your entire time on this planet so far - dealing with the BS he flings you in order to avoid the "unknown," which may well contain someone amazing who would love you unconditionally and wouldn't dream of putting you down for the body you were BORN with.Good luck and best wishes :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 November 2013):
Yikes, I'm not even sure marriage counseling would work. If you feel you owe it to yourself and your marriage then suggest it, see what he says. If he says no, then you have your answer, he isn't interested in changing.
BTW demanding/suggesting you get vaginal reconstruction is the dumbest thing I have ever heard, specially for a women who has never had children.
Do you think he will change? I think if he does accept what you are saying he will change, but only for a short time. Sorry, honey but THIS is who he is.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 November 2013):
The only thing I would recommend would be that when he's not at all in a bad mood tell him, and don't say "change or else", that creates problems of its own.
Tell him that you don't want either of you to be in an unhappy marriage so you absolutely have to fix this. The best way to do so would be couples therapy and probably some individual therapy as well.
Also, a marriage can't work if the couple doesn't get to spend any quality time together.... So the job's gotta go.
The reality is that he'll probably get mad at you for bringing it up. This is what my wife does. For now I don't want a divorce and therapy isn't an option for the next 8 months, so I'm kind of just hanging on. I've adapted by basically not taking anything personally (or at least trying to). When she's done with school she's agreed to go. But if I thought it was permanent I'd be gone.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 You don't have to ask how if a man is being reasonable. I think he is narcissistic and would not change. People like that act like they are the only ones with needs, the others are just pawns to use. His comment about your vagina shows how ignorant he is. He probably looked at too much porn and thinks that a normal vagina looks like Barbie's. I've looked at narcissist's profiles on the website. One of them is a famous author basically describing himself. He has no interests in sex because it is too lowly, too animalistic and he is too good for that. He does realize his wife has desires but he punishes her and makes her feel she doesn't deserve it. That's a way to keep the power. A woman would undermine herself and keeps trying harder and harder to get that love.
As much as he is an ass to deal with. A divorce would shatter him, because he is losing that daily narcissistic supply. He would feel like nothing. But that's exactly what you have to do. Let the next woman pick up the pieces. Not that I hope that but with his charms he has no problems picking a woman right after.
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