A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I met and fell in love very quickly and knew we could spend our lives together. He told me early that he didn't think he could only see one woman naked for the rest of his life and would like to have prostitutes give him hand jobs (no sexual health risks) and massages a few times a year, all with me present to avoid any mistrust. He thinks this would make our relationship strong with no fear of infidelity and open communication. He says I can have other men if I want. The problem is I don't want that and have never considered sharing my guy with anyone, albeit a stranger. I don't want to be selfish or prudish, but I'm a monogamist. He says he is too, but isn't this not? He has everything else I want, do I walk away?? He says all guys want variety and think about what he has said, they are just afriad to voice it. Is this true? Do all guys want more than one woman?Perhaps, I was crazy to think this all these years...
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fell in love, hand-job, infidelity, prostitute Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (26 June 2008):
Wow, what an honest man!
He's been up front with you and you have to respect that.
But I, like you, couldn't STAND the thought, let alone having to watch my man with another girl. I'd say no offence but no, and split up with him.
He's made you the offer of this kind of relationship, whether or not you take it on is up to you.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): He's a pig. Get away from him as fast you can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): he sounds lie a filthy sleazebag.....but the question s, why do you think you deserve no better than him?
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 As to your question, yes, many people do crave a bit of sexual variety or extra stimulation. It's not unusual or strange, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It's just a desire to look for new stimuli and exciting new things... I guess it's akin to wanting to try new positions or locations, just a bit more extreme....
I can understand why you are reluctant, but his solution to the problem is actually quite thoughtful. I think his proposal is designed to minimise the cheating aspect while giving him that little bit of extra spice that he wants.
In my experience, hand jobs are very nice. In fact, I would choose a hand job over full scale sex with a prostitute any time. That's because a hand job avoids the physical intimacy of sexual intercourse with a woman. This is good not only for health reasons, but because it removes the guilt of sexual intercourse with another woman and avoids the stress of full sexual intimacy with someone you don't want to have it with.
The problem, of course, is that you don't want it! And if you don't want it you don't want it, that's all there is to say. It's the same as if he suggested wife-swapping or swinging. Whatever sexy new stimuli they could introduce into a relationship, such things will only work if both partners agree.
Eventually it's up to you. You could try out what he says, but the danger is that watching a prostitute give him a hand job would probably end up being more distressing than you could bear. On the other hand, it could give you a little shot of jealousy, and we all know jealousy is an aphrodisiac :)
Hope it works out for the both of you.
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A
female
reader, Isabella1974  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 hi there,
i am sorry but if someone told me that it was ok for me to go and be with other men, i would question whether or not he loved me.
I know he is trying to be straight up with you by telling you that he wants to be with other people but as colloroy as stated if you tell him it is not acceptable then he may start doing this behind your back.
some people are open to this type of relationship, but you have stated that you dont want this and do not want him with anyone else.
I dont believe it will make your relationship stronger.
Most guys would not like to share the woman he loves, some yes but they are few and far between!
You both want different things so he is not giving you everything so long term i am sorry to say its not looking good for you unless he is willing to forget this, but i dont think he will be able to.
take care
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 All guys want variety. Well, yes he has a point and before I fell in love I certainly wondered how anyone could be happy to spend the entire rest of their life with just one woman.
And then I fell in love and it became the most natural thing in the world and while I still see other women as attractive I don't feel the need to mess around with them.
Simply put I am like that well-trained dog who walks close besides his master without needing a leash except that it took no training at all. I WANT her to be the only one and to be the only one for her.
I think that most people would agree. Oh I can be honest and admit that I sometimes see/meet woman who have me go "mmm nice where were you before I met her" but as for actual temptation. No, remaining monogamous is actually trivially easy if you are in love I am finding.
When someone says "all X want Y" they are lying through their teeth. He certainly managed to pull the wool of your eyes, another aspect of falling in love.
Does he love you? Hard to say, we are all different and have different ways of living our lives.
"I don't want to be selfish or prudish" I don't think not wanting your partner to have sex (and a handjob is sex, if you even believe that is all he is having) with others is selfish or prudish, it is called being normal.
"but I'm a monogamist" as are most people.
"He says all guys want variety and think about what he has said, they are just afraid to voice it."
No we don't all want variety. Not when we are truly in love with someone. Men and women really ain't all that different.
Be honest, if you see some sun-bronzed god on tv don't you go "mmmm, I could use some of that" especially compared to your actual bf. Does that mean you would do anything about it?
There is no saying how a couple manages to life their lives. If this is what works for the both of you, well then good luck to you, but if it is making you unhappy you might very well want to end this one way or another.
In his defense, at least he is honest about what he wants but I take exception at dragging the rest of the male sex into this. No, not all guys are like this.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Hi there,
well its different strokes for different folks. A lot of couples are comfortable with their partners seeing other people. But most arent, so I'm afraid its b.s , and I'm sure he isnt your first partner so you know its b.s as well.
I'm afraid your boyfriend doesnt understand the term monogamy. Look it up in a dictionary and quote it verbatim to him.
Unfortunately if you tell him this is not acceptable , then you are going to have trouble as he may very well start doing this behind your back anyway.
You need to bash this out with him, but it doesnt look good mate. Sorry.
All the best.
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