A
female
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*r Cupid
writes:Back on here again about the same person I put a question on here about in 2010. I suppose that says it all.I desperately need some advice so if anyone can spare 5 mins to read this I'd appreciate it.I'm in a very troublesome relationship. I wrote on here in 2010 because my boyfriend was just being awful to me most of the time and I have to say that although a few minor things have improved I generally feel worse than I did back then.He used to go out and not come home, he just stopped 3 weeks ago but I'm sure it's still on the cards for the future.He lives in my home, I have a very set way of keeping things etc etc, he calls it ocd and I call it looking after my things. I like the cushions on my sofa to be puffed up before I go to bed, he lays on the sofa (not me) then goes mental if I ask him to puff up the cushions he's laid on. He pays nothing towards rent/bills but I have to battle with him to wash up his own plates (I can forget him washing up mine). I feel like all my evenings are spent going around picking up after him. I do all his washing with no thanks but he won't do anything for "us" wash up plates, pick up our clothes and put them in the wash basket. If I mention anything I'm "moany", "miserable", I "go on all the time". Am I? This is my home and he does the bare minimum. If I'm carrying bags he won't offer to take them. Yesterday he said he has to "put up" with me?He makes plans and waits last minute to tell me. I think this is to stop me from making plans. My plans always have to evolve around his. When he's done with what he's doing I have to be done too. If I talk about anything other than things he has a vested interested in he becomes angry or aggitated. So I couldn't talk about my family for example, it irritates him.None of my friends and family know we're together because (a) I'm too ashamed to tell them and (b) they'd all have A LOT to say about it because of his previous behaviour.We've had major rows where the police have had to be involved. He's cheated on me (claims to not have done it since but I'm pretty sure he has). In the past 3 years he's gone out about 60 times and not come home and quite often lies about where he is. If I were to do this to him he would FREAK OUT. He'd go mental. He is saying this has stopped now so I should cut him some slack but I've been here before. I'm 99.9% sure he'll do it again. He has been saying that he has changed this past few weeks but feels I'm still giving him a hard time. He hasn't gone out and not come home for a couple of weeks but I'm sure he will again. That's about the only change I can see. Last night he was very verbally abusive towards me because I asked him to puff the cushions on the sofa he'd been laying on.I feel like I'm going mad. I do ask him to pick up after himself, to wash up his dishes, to puff my cushions, to help me with bags but is that wrong? I feel like I'm constantly going on at him but he never listens the first time. His laziness in my home is getting me down and his attitude is draining me.The only time we get on is if we're drinking and I'm starting to think that the drunken him is the person I fell in love with because I'm just about tolerating the sober him.We pretty much argue most days and have done for the whole nearly 3 years we've been together. I'm sure his side of this would be to say I don't stop going on at him all the time but if he's living under my roof rent free should he not live my way in terms of cleanliness?He can ask me who I'm texting but if I ask him he becomes irritable very quickly. We call eachother some god awful names when we argue. In fact the worst names you can think of.Help please......I used to think it was him but now I think it could be me. Has he brainwashed me or do I need to take a step back, or just end the relationship? This weekend he made plans to spend time with family and said he wouldn't be "rushed back" which means he come back whenever he feels like it (to my house even though he doesn't have a key). I said I'd make plans with my friends and then suddenly he will be finished by 6pm. It feels so abnormal.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): You were here 2yrs ago, and my guess is you will prob here 2 yrs to come. Will you make that decision to leave? Or are you prepared to put up with another 2yrs again? (My guess is that you will do the later) But for your sake, I hope you have the courage to leave.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 If you feel worse two years after things have improved what are you expecting to improve more now?
He’s only been coming “home” for three weeks now and even YOU know he will go back to his old ways…
“he lives in my home” right there tells me that you don’t consider him an equal partner. Your home is not his home. In your eyes and your behavior probably reflects that. I’m not saying that you are wrong… I mean he’s not contributing to the running of the home is he? How does he contribute to the home and the relationship…
He pays nothing towards rent or bills…. What does he contribute to the running of your home?
He “puts up with you” ARRRGGHHH….
He becomes angry and agitated about your wants your needs your desires…etc…
You know how horrendous this relationship is because you already know to keep it a secret from your family and friends… he lives with you how do you pull that off???
You don’t trust him and believe he has cheated on you… he lies to you… My ex husband was and is a liar…. And an emotional cheater…. I let that marriage die because of his lies and cheats and told him that was the reason. He’s doing it now to his new partner… so that was not about anything I was doing but more about his emotional insecurity and neediness… If he lied and cheated on you before he will do it again and it’s NOT a reflection on you it’s on him.
You are for lack of a better term OCD when it comes to the care and feeding of your home… fluff the pillows, everything in it’s place, clean clean clean…
You refer to MY HOME…. HIS dishes, MY DISHES…
You argue all the time and you feel lousy….
What help do you want? You are brainwashed by an emotional abuser. My first husband was much like this… I had to do things his way or not at all and he kept me from working outside the home so he could have further control. Thankfully I had the means to get out… and I did.
How does he live with you if he doesn’t have a key? And why doesn’t he have a key? And if he’s not there why do you even have to check with him about what your plans are?
Why are you letting him come in again?
It feels abnormal because it is abnormal. He’s an emotional abuser at best. You think he’s right… he’s not.
What do you need to do to get him to “move out” from a home that is not his, where he does not have a key? How hard can this be? When he goes out on Friday, bag all his stuff put it on the porch with a note CHANGE THE LOCKS in case he gets a key and make him leave.
Easier said than done I know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): You sound miserable. Doesn't that tell you something? maybe you need a relationship but you don't need one like this. If you are too ashamed to even admit to your loved ones that you are with this man, that should really set off alarm bells about your true feelings, and what you really want
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): Where did you learn this is how healthy, adult, loving relationships are? They aren't by the way. This is a toxic, abusive dynamic and I no where see it is based on Friendship let alone genuine love, tenderness, kindness, honesty.Have you thought to seek professional counselling?You do that and work out why you keep this Guy around- you will FINALLY get somewhere.You want the insanity of it to go away- COUNSELLING ASAP.It has to be really what you want. You will have to hit rock bottom before you decide with full intent of heart and soul that you WANT and DESERVE happiness and GOOD EMOTIONAL HEALTH to seek healing and recovery.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Have you asked yourself why you have chosen to be with an abusive, lying, spongeing cheat who you are too ashamed to tell your family about?
If you just met him tomorrow and you knew everything you know about him now, would you be so keen to get into a relationship with him? Really it would be much easier to just paint WELCOME on your chest and lay down on the floor because that's how your life will be forever more if you stick with this guy.
Honestly I don't think there is an Aunt on Dear Cupid who would tell you to stay (and probably they told you to leave 2 years ago)
What are you waiting for? Is love holding you hostage?...because that isn't love my dear...it's abuse and Natasia is 100% correct...if you put up with it, you got no cause for complaining.
Get a dog or a cat, much cheaper to keep, loves you unconditionally, never argues with you, doesn't eat you out of house and home and will NEVER EVER cheat on you.
Get rid of him, get on with your life and be happy!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 January 2012):
 Seems like you have taken over the parent role in the relationship, as in paying for everything and giving him "chores".
What does he actually bring to the relationship? Emotional support, great sex? I mean there has to be some kind of "justification" as to WHY you keep him around. You are getting SOMETHING out of this or you wouldn't continue. Now you have to consider whether what you get is worth the hassle.
Honestly, you come across as very overbearing towards him, like he is lazy, cheap and stupid. Is that who you are, and if that is how HE sees you maybe a lot of him not doing what you want him to do is his "childish" rebellion.
Why doesn't he pay rent? Does he help with the electricity, water, phone, cable bill? Does he buy groceries? If not, why not?
And why.... doesn't he have a key?
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (26 January 2012):
 and ps ...
just your tone 'if he is living in my house rent-free ...' sounds bad.
If you are giving something for 'free', you have to do it generously and with no strings. You can't later then complain all the time that they are getting something for nothing and not being 'grateful' enough ... that is a very quick way to sour relations.
Either: he is there for free, and you never even utter a squeak about him being ungrateful and not doing anything
Or: (and by far the most sensible and obvious and normal option to me) he pays and he has a key and you put up with him being a guy around the house.
Having him there free is a bit like him being a kept man. And you can't facilitate him being a kept man and then complain at him that he is a kept man. That actually isn't fair.
He is just taking advantage a bit - but it is up to you to change the structure underlying your arrangements.
So:
ask him to pay half, or end the relationship.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (26 January 2012):
A couple of things here.
Yes, I think you are being OTT if you expect a bloke to puff up the cushions after he's watched a film. The kind of bloke that would do that would also probably be wearing pink and preferring guys, in my experience. Sorry, but that's just the case. You have to accept that some of what he does is just men, not him. Ditto the washing up, etc - very annoying, but some men like to be 'looked after'.
What you describe is a guy who isn't very caring, who doesn't feel the need to make the effort with you, who wants looking after like his mum does/did, and who wants to be able to do what he likes. He is also not even interested in talking much with you, and undermines your interests/family. He is, I'm afraid, not really much cop, and I don't know what pleasure there is in your relationship.
If you had a child with him, you might put up with it for the sake of the child having their father around. If not, then you really should be ending it.
By the way - is he English? Sounds more like someone from a matriarchal society where guys just work and women do everything else.
To some degree it is your own fault, yes. He should be paying half of all the bills and the mortgage or rent. You shouldn't freak out about the cushions or the washing up. And you should let him spend time with his family kind of unhindered. And if he really lives with you, he should have a key. It's like you are letting him be there but he feels like a guest. That is probably why he takes no interest in the house or the state of it. And by not giving a key, you are acting like you don't trust him.
What is abnormal to me is that he lives there, has no key, pays no rent. Either you are together or not. If not, end it. If yes, get him to pay half and give him a key. Let him invest something of his in your (plural) home.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 January 2012):
 I'll bet the responses you got in 2010 basically all said, "Get away from this scum...." (or something like that). Today, a year later, the same advice applies. Will you "listen" to it this time, please?
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): If you have been with this guy for 3 years and it is the same all the time and hopefully no children are involved I would call it quits. I am a guy and ashamed to say have acted like this before. Everything you say points to cheating and, honestly it doesn't sound like there is anything that is worth saving other than time spent(3 years). Guys get angry and defensive when they are guilty and have no out so it is 99.9% a telltale sign of his deceit. I understand you wanting to try and "fix" the situation because you have spent so much time together, but time will also get you through it eventually. There are PLENTY of men out there that are willing to go that extra mile for their women.....go find one!
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