A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:From the outside, my life seems perfect. I am in my late 30's and have been married for 15 plus years. My husband and myself have advanced degrees, demanding careers, and 2 beautiful children. I am just wondering if it is verbal abuse if my husband yells and screams at my kids and myself. He always cuts me off and says I have to listen to him and he's not done talking etc. My son is nine and he yelled at him for losing a shoe the other day. My son got so upset after the altercation that he threw-up. I guess I have been dealing with this but it's come to a point where my children are asking me, "Why does daddy yell so much?, or "Why is daddy so angry?" I don't want this to affect my kids or even myself. I can't keep accepting the reasoning that he just has a bad temper. Any advise? My husband is very intimidating when he gets upset--6'6'' and 230lbs. Thanks--Can't deal with this any longer. . . Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): I was married to an abusive bully. I stayed longer than I needed to for my kids. He cheated on me, screamed at me and terrorized me for stupid things, I was scared and sick all the time. I blamed myself and believed if I could just be perfect, he would love me. It never worked. Not long after our divorce was final, he married his mistress. All that suffering, fear, anxiety and he never gives me a second thought. I carry deep scars and have PTSD. No one can tell you what to do, no one ever should. But our stories are powerful and not uncommon. We can learn from each other. Take care. And Eddie, no offense but you are ignorant on this issue. Of course yelling is abusive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): I was married to an abusive bully. I stayed longer than I needed to for my kids. He cheated on me, screamed at me and terrorized me for stupid things, I was scared and sick all the time. I blamed myself and believed if I could just be perfect, he would love me. It never worked. Not long after our divorce was final, he married his mistress. All that suffering, fear, anxiety and he never gives me a second thought. I carry deep scars and have PTSD. No one can tell you what to do, no one ever should. But our stories are powerful and not uncommon. We can learn from each other. Take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Me again. In response to chocoholic, it seems to be working--no crying since then.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Thanks everyone for your answers. I know I need help too. I want to go to therapy before it gets worse. I do walk on eggshells so as not to get him in a fury. I made the mistake of telling him that my doctor was getting a bit too friendly and now he checks my e-mail, and my phone messages. When I had a follow-up appt., he parked his car outside my office and has come into my work to see if I came back after my appt. I am not having an affair with the doctor but feel like he is treating me like I am. So now, I pay cash only for my appts. and have the receptionist confirm on my cell phone only then delete the message. I know this sounds crazy. I do not want to repeat this cycle with my kids--esp. my son growing up to be an abuser too.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): OP, I can practically feel the fear in your words that you write. I think you do fear your husband and walk on eggshells in your own home, as do your children. you ask - is this domestic abuse? The answer , if you read the links provided to you, is YES. verbal abuse is a form of domestic violence. (and it may escalate into physical violence at some point) ...If you're afraid of your husband and have to tiptoe around him, then it is domestic violence.
please, get out of this relationship immediately. Don't put your children at risk. even if he never hits them, the effects of verbal and emotional abuse on children's psychological development into adolescence and adulthood can be truly devastating. Maybe your husband was the victim of this kind of family abuse when he was a child which is why he is abusive now and carrying it forward. The vicious cycle of abuse must end. Only you have the power to protect your children from it (your husband certainly won't since he's the source) so step up and do it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): when other people - friends, coworkers, family members - express concern about your spouse controlling you, this is a major RED FLAG. you wrote: "I did have a talk with my kids telling them that if their dad does not yell at them in the am or pm to thank him for not yelling at them. I thought that this may work?"I don't think this is a good idea. It may help to encourage your husband to control himself more, but I think this is sending your children the wrong message. No offense to your parenting style, but I think this is teaching the kids that the default is that they should expect to be treated poorly by people they love, and that the absence of violence is what is unique and noteworthy. You say "thank you" to someone when they have done a favor for you or does something unexpectedly nice for you. So if your kids are thanking their dad for not being verbally abusive to them, they're learning that their dad is doing a favor to them by not treating them like crap. what message does this send to them about their intrinsic self worth? that by default they deserve to be treated like crap and the lack of abusive treatment is praise-worthy?for example, if I have to thank my husband for not hitting me today I think that says a lot about my own self esteem....(even if he would deserve praise for making an effort to control himself, though I don't think this should come in the form of gratitude from the victim but rather an acknowledgment of his effort from someone else not in the situation, like a therapist)
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female
reader, Battista  +, writes (21 July 2011):
Thanks for the update OP
At least you have been able to address the problem of the shouting with your husband and hopefully he does act upon this.
Your follow-up, however, makes me even more concerned. Your co-workers are completely right: it is neither normal nor healthy for your husband to check your emails, phone and messages, and certainly not to be checking that you are at work. It is extremely controlling and, in my opinion, dangerous behaviour. You have every right to keep these things to yourself if you so wish if your husband trusts you. My OH half and I look at each other's emails sometimes if we are looking at them in the same room, but we do not "check-up" on each other by means of examining one another's private correspondence.
Do you yourself feel that your husband is controlling? What do you think about it?
How's the new no-shouting regime going so far?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): Hi chocoholic,
Thanks for your input and concerns. I have the same concerns and don't want my children to be ruined. I did have a talk with my kids telling them that if their dad does not yell at them in the am or pm to thank him for not yelling at them. I thought that this may work? It was a pact between my kids and myself.
PS--I did ask him about his behavior the other day and he says he did not realize that he was intimidating/hurting anyone. I can't believe it has taken me this long to realize. My coworkers say he is controlling--calling me at work, checking-in--I guess. He checks my e-mails, phone messages, etc. . .
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reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 July 2011):
it's good that he claims he's going to try and change but you said you've been down this road before so I suspect this isn't the first time he's said that? it would better if he agreed to get professional help because if you've been down this road before clearly he can't or won't change on his own.
if there are no consequences for him not changing then he won't, it's as simple as that. it's hard and very discomforting for him to change, so the internal motivation has to be there. there won't be motivation if there's no consequences (you still continue to stay and accept it despite saying you won't). Don't think that just seeing how distressed you and the kids are is going to be motivation enough for him to change, if it was he would have been changing already without you having to talk yet again about how distressed you are.
it's understandable you want him to change. But at the same time I think you should start making concrete plans for your life and your kids assuming that he doesn't change. because right now the cold hard evidence points to him not changing. What is he going to do this time that's different from all the failed past attempts? Is he going to finally get professional help? he needs to put his money where his mouth is but seems that there's been a pattern of him not doing that so what makes this time any different?
you can't change him or control whether he will or won't put his words into action, but you can control your own actions. So if you want to break out of this rut it has to be from you changing yourself and doing something different that will help yourself and your kids that doesn't depend on what he does or doesn't do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): Thanks for your advise everyone. It really did hit a nail with a hammer.I guess I have been living in denial with my seemingly "seamless" life. After a day of letting things settle, we did have a talk about it. Of course, I stayed calm but when he started to raise his voice and say I was "putting HIM down" etc., I managed to put the situation back into perspective. He said he would change and be more aware of his behavior. I really hope so--I write this with a bit of trepidation because it seems like we have been down this path before. I am keeping track of our conversations now because I do want him to change for the sake of our marriage and our kids. I do not want this to be a rewind and repeat situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): his excuse is that he 'just has a bad temper' is a cop out. most abusers will dismiss or minimize their abusive behavior and tell you it's not a big deal and you're over reacting so it's not surprising he says this. (just further proof). anyway, he's saying he's not going to bother doing anything about his bad temper cos that's just who he is. well then he should change who he is!! if not you can tell him this:if this is just who he is and he feels he has a right to be like this, then you have an equal right not to accept it, because then you're just being who you are. He can be whoever he wants to be, he can be as big of a jerk as he wants to be - but that doesn't mean that anyone owes him a marriage and a family. A wife is not a god given right, if he wants to have a wife (and his kids with him) then he has to earn that even if it means changing who he is. Just because he is a 'monster' by nature doesn't mean that anyone has to like him or accept him just because that's who he is. his reasoning is not valid because it's possible to change who he is - you've changed who you are by accepting his behavior for 15 years. Now it's his turn to change. once people start believing that in intimate relationship and marriages they can be whoever they want to be and their partner just has to accept it, and the partner believes this too, this is a set up for abuse.
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reader, RedAthena +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Yes, he is verbally abusing and intimidating his family.
He is also an OLD FASHIONED BULLY.
Your son spoke wisdom! He does not understand WHY Daddy yells so much.
There is no reason to yell to get his point across if he communicates more effectively.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 July 2011):
Yes it is verbal abuse. And the effects on spouses and especially on children can be devastating and long lasting.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
It will continue to happen as long as you keep allowing it to happen (by putting up with it). Your husband needs to re-train himself to behave differently when he's angry, and may also need to re-train himself to think differently so his anger doesn't reach such sky-high levels so often or so easily.
He may need professional help (seeing a therapist), which may (or may not) include medication. However, he has to *want* to change in order for any treatment program or therapy program to be successful. If he believes that he's not doing anything wrong (maybe because this behavior runs in his family) or if he doesn't have the motivation to do the hard work to change his ingrained habits, then he will not change and you will have to decide what you can and can't live with, and make a decision for your children and what's in their best interest.
You can also call a domestic violence hotline and talk with someone there for more information and help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): He clearly is a bully and a bully is an abuser. They usually come from abusive homes themselves and yes its emotional abuse to yell, scream to intimidate and try to control others. He has anger issues and his poor behaviour seems to esculate.Your gut instinct is warning you about his rash behaviour and I would rely on that instinct.If you are done putting up with it; another indicator you know full well you are living with an abusive man.Abuse does not mean physical violence- emotional abuse is threats, screaming, yelling, hitting objects, and fault finding which seems to be the case with 9 year old.I'd seek counselling for yourself to gain perspective, coping tools, and communication techniques to put this bully in his place or to get strong and wise enough to walk.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 July 2011):
 I don't know if I would classify it as abuse in the traditional sense, but from the sounds of it he is using his voice and his size to be an intimidating force in your household. Let's face it, in the past he's probably been able to be a force to be reckoned with and he knows how to use his size and voice to his advantage.
I think there are some potential solutions that you should talk to your husband about when things are quiet:
1) Make him realize that he is instilling fear in his son and that his son will likely harbor resentment against him. In addition, his son will not be able to confide to his father about issues because he will be afraid that his father will yell at him.
2) Try to determine what is causing his anger. Is this something new? If so, and you both have demanding careers, it could be a result of stress. Perhaps it is time to dial back the career track a little, cut expenses, etc. A lot of times families get into acquiring "things" which only enslave them to the almighty dollar and they forget what is really important.
3) Allow your husband some time to decompress from work. If he overwhelmed by "household stress" the minute he rolls through the door, he'll likely have a melt down.
4) You may want to go to the bookstore and see what sort of books they have in dealing with verbal abuse. It is a fairly common topic and there should be resources available.
Finally, if he does become physically abusive, I think it would be time to gather your marbles and go home (so to speak). Physical abuse usually escalates and that would be a tragedy for you and your son to experience.
You may also want to enlist the help of a therapist / counselor to help determine the root of your problem. This may help you communicate better so that you can solve problems in a calm, rational way. Even if you go by yourself, you may get some tools to help you deal with this situation.
Good luck.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 Here's an excellent checklist if you are wondering what constitutes an abusive situation.
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/what-is-abuse/assess-your-situation/
I would suggest firstly that you gently but firmly remind him that you are his PARTNER and not his child. Ask him to please stop yelling and communicate in a normal voice what he is upset about.
If he doesn't stop; gather the children up and leave the house. Call him from your *mother/sister/neighbor/friend's* house and tell him to call you when he is ready to be reasonable and calm. Tell him that you are no longer going to have his temper run the household and that he is making his own children physically ill. It's up to you to put your foot down and show him that you are not willing to let him bully you or the children any more. You can even leave overnight until he realizes how quiet a home can be without his family in it.
Remember; Actions speak louder than words and He is teaching this behavior to your children. If HE doesn't care about this and how it affects them - Your job as their MOTHER is to keep them out of harms way and set a good example for them. You are allowing them to witness their Dad being a bully and you allowing yourself to be a victim.
You should also consider looking into getting some counseling together. Perhaps if a neutral third party explains that a 6'6', 230lb. man has to be in MORE control - not less - of his temper around others simply BECAUSE his physical size is already intimidating enough - he might realize it and it might sink in. If your husband doesn't care enough about ANY of this - then you have a much, much bigger problem. Take care Hun, hope this helped.
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