A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I started dating a divorced guy with kids three years after breaking up with alongterm partner (no kids myself). We lived together for a year but then he moved for work, we see each other once a month. As it happens this move for work put him in the same area as his ex wife who had just divorced her husband. She is always calling him to come and help with fixing things etc. Apart from the usual childcare. He does this because he says its for the kids. As I am on my own most of the time I also need help with this sort of stuff and in the past my ex partner always helped before I met my current boyfriend. As he knows that my boyfriend and I now live apart he has said he will help if necessary. We are not close but we are friendly in a distant kind of way. Neither of us will ever want to get back together. We broke up because we were like brother and sister with no chemistry. So last week I had a problem and he came over to help and left. I told my boyfriend and he was angry and carried on as if I was unfaithful. I pointed out that it was a practical necessity not a date and that he is always helping out the ex wife with the same thing. So if I must pay somebody to do the work then so can she, instead of just asking for help. He says its totally different for him as it is for his kids and I don't have any so I shouldn't see ex for any reason. I think that is unfair. Am I wrong?
View related questions:
broke up, divorce, ex-wife, get back together, his ex, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 January 2014):
 I can see a LOT of drama in this already.
No, you weren't cheating and I would honestly tell your BF that if he rather you call him and ask him to fix stuff you will. However, I can't see why YOUR ex can't fix stuff if HE can fix stuff for his ex-wife. Kids or not. That really doesn't matter.
If he thinks YOU should call a workman and spend money, so could his wife. I think it's actually rather ridiculous argument. And him calling you a cheat would be a no-go for me. If your ex fixed a clogged toilet (example) it surely doesn't mean you paid him "on your back".
Your current BF seems rather petty and insecure.
AS long as you don't do it as a tit for tat (because HE helps his ex).
I agree the issue is not about who fixes what, it's about "dating" but only seeing each other once a month. How is that working out?
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 January 2014):
 As far as the fixing thing is - you're in the right. His ex can call someone to fix things like most single people do. Having his kids doesn't entitle her to his time and home improvements. He pays child support and/or alimony, so unless the courts have mandated that he remain her handyman, he doesn't have a moral leg to stand on. Sorry, but his excuse is flimsy at best.
However, you are deflecting, and your choice to invite *your* ex over in revenge is like trying to make two wrongs a right. That's like revenge cheating, and you failed to address the REAL issue head on. Let me clue you in here: it has *NOTHING* to do with who fixes what.
Your relationship is doomed as it stands now without a plan. You're not a long-distance relationship, and you're breaking under the weight of it with the whole ex thing. Meeting once a month after living together for a year?? So, are you planning on moving to where he is so that you can see each other more than once per month? Have you told him of your resentment about his choosing a work opportunity over your relationship? These are a LOT of resentments here.
You need to make a decision on whether or not carrying on this long-distance relationship will work for you. Signs are pointing to no here, and you're not communicating this to him, but choosing to ignite the small fires and revenge exes. Not smart if your goal is to resolve the relationship, but REALLY smart if you want him to break up with you or are planning to do it yourself.
Unless you have made definite plans to move back in with each other within the year, your relationship is on life support.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): There's no right or wrong or unfair here OP, just boundaries. We all set our own boundaries and while you can say all you want that you'd be fine with your current boyfriend spending a lot of time with his ex "fixing" things for her and her still relying on him so much, something tells me you too would have reservations about that.
Your boyfriend has set his boundaries and frankly OP in my view they're fair. I've had experience of rebounds, both been the rebound guy and used women on the rebound. Based on my experiences any woman who "needs" their ex for anything, especially when she plays the damsel in distress and needs him to come do repairs and stuff, is not over him enough to have any room in her life for me.
What to you is a friendly gesture that is cheaper than getting it done by others, to me that's clinging onto an ex and having him still mark you as his territory.
I'm not wrong, nor jealous, nor restrictive for this view OP, it's just one of my boundaries and those are mine to choose.
OP when it comes down to it it's clear you'd choose your ex over the new guy because you feel he has more value to you and you feel it unfair for him to not be okay with you still having intimate contact with a guy who you loved and lived with.
Surely you know what it's like to be with a guy whose ex is still sniffing around, or at least seen how crowded that love triangle gets for other people?
Your boyfriend is entitled to his boundaries and what he finds acceptable, as are you.
You're simply in a situation where you have to decide what's important and whether you really do want to be with a guy who can't handle your damsel in distress thing with your ex.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): What sort of fixing are we talking about? I think it matters... because if it's costly such as putting in flooring, I can almost see your argument for being able to get your ex to do it free of cost. However if it's a small thing, I think you're purposefully stirring up drama.My husband does many things for his daughter's mother that he should because they share a child. For example, if the flooring at Mom's house doesn't get done, that affects his daughter as well. Therefore as a dad he has a responsibility to help out her mom with certain things. However, he also would do those same things in our home at the drop of a hat. The main issue here is: why can't your boyfriend help her AND you? Did you even tell him that you needed help? I believe you went out of your way to involve your ex simply because you were feeling sore over him helping his ex. Instead, why don't you acknowledge that it makes you sore inside to see him helping her, and then you two could come to some sort of compromise/understanding that doesn't involve your ex as well. There is absolutely no reason for your ex to be involved in your life...Honestly, I don't see much hope for your relationship if you can't understand these unique dynamics now. If things go well, one day you two may be married with kids of your own, and he STILL will have to take time out to chip in, in some way, in his ex's home simply because it's also his kids' home. Will you be mature enough to deal with that?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): Your boyfriend is way out of line. Helping his ex wife has nothing to do with their kids. Ask him how his kids benefit from him doing it instead of a professional repairman. Yeah, they don't, it's the exact same to them. If anything, it might confuse them into thinking mommy and daddy are getting back together. That's definitely not a benefit to them.You know what I would do, if I were you? Become closer with your ex boyfriend. Take him out to lunch to repay him for helping you. Go see a movie with him sometime. Establish that you are friends with him and see how your current boyfriend reacts. Be as dismissive of his concerns as he is of yours. You might not have kids with him, but you're allowed to have friends. You're allowed to have male friends, too. That's all you need to tell him.Personally, I wouldn't put up with his BS for one second.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 January 2014):
 If he was that good of a boyfriend he'd help you out. It's always a bit dodgy involving an ex but in the real world, some men and women DO choose to stay friends with ex's and no current boyfriend or girlfriend should have the right to say who you choose to have as a friend, but they DO have the choice to leave the relationship if they don't like it.
Your boyfriend doing jobs for his ex wife is no less of an issue to your ex doing jobs for you. Kids or no kids, the actions are the same.
There seems to a be a trust issue in this and if you do not have trust, you don't really have that good of a relationship.
If your BF goes off on one about your ex, suggest that he himself helps you out in future and that his ex wife finds someone else to do her house repairs!! If he won't compromise, then why should you?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): Yes, you are wrong. You are inviting trouble and giving your boyfriend unnecessary angst.
If your boyfriend can't fix something; how about calling a male family member with handyman skills? Your boyfriend may have an uncle, or know a some older guy handy with tools.
Everyone has an uncle or cousin who is good at fixing things. You just want attention. Playing the lady in distress and taking advantage.
Don't stir up trouble if it isn't necessary; when you have many options and alternatives at your disposal. Your boyfriend is correct, you don't have kids. Your ex should be just that, your ex-boyfriend. Asking for his help is assigning him boyfriend duties.
Keeping your ex around and making him useful; is insulting to your present boyfriend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 January 2014):
 Wow, this situation has the potential to EXPLODE!
On the surface you are not wrong, your boyfriend fixing stuff for an ex is no different to your ex fixing stuff for you, on the surface he is right to do stuff for his ex wife because it benefits his kids.
Have you always remained in touch with your ex, even during the 12 months you and your boyfriend lived together, or did it happen after your boyfriend moved closer to his ex, or even more telling, since he started doing things for her?
If you and your ex were not communicating before your boyfriend moved, it would suggest this situation is something you have initiated because you feel resentful your boyfriend does stuff for his ex, after all she has a new ex she could be calling on, Right?
But your boyfriend wouldn't see it like that because his ex's new ex isn't the father of the children .... and really they are the ones everybody needs to think of here, the children are not the adults in this situation.
Your boyfriend's ex might be taking advantage of your boyfriend in getting him to fix things and do stuff for her, but he will accept this as long as he can see a benefit for his kids, and we can't blame him for that, in fact it is a GOOD thing he does will do that for his kids.
However if you initiated contact with your ex and are now getting him to fix things and do stuff for you because your boyfriend is fixing things and doing stuff for his ex .... can you see where I am going with this?
Somebody is going to have to be an adult and initiate a conversation, one where you and your boyfriend sit down and discuss, in an adult fashion how to resolve this. He needs to understand why you feel resentful (understandably on some levels) about the situation, and you need to understand that he believes he is doing it for his kids and the pair of you need to compromise and decide how much he does for his ex will be acceptable, and how much you feel would be over and above the call of duty.
If you cant come to an understanding the only other option is to split up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (26 January 2014):
No I don't think you are wrong with asking your ex for a helping help. I also wouldn't have a problem with my boyfriend helping out his ex. It would be important that my kids see me and their dad getting along.
But for him to tell you, that you were unfaithful makes me think that he MAY have done something with his ex. It is interesting that he got very upset. That would make me suspicious.
Good Luck
...............................
|
