A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am a 49 yeard old happily married man for 28 years, we have had our ups and downs like most but for the most part our relationship has been happy and healthy. We have 2 children aged 16 and 6. I have a great job and thus my wife does not need to work. A few years ago our sex life declined rapidly and we are lucky if we have had sex a dozen times in the last 3 years, i thought i was ok with this. My wife was my first love.My problem is i met this woman last year she is 23 and she has blown me away, we were drunk one night and we kissed, we had always been attracted to each other and i have always thought she was a beautiful woman, way out my league, turns out she thought the same. At first it was about the sex i told her upfront and she was happy with this arrangement. The sex is mindblowing and the most adventurous I have ever had and she's a good person in some ways. She is single. We agreed we would stop in June last year 6 months after we started, but i guess we couldnt because its now april but i have told her it finishes in Feb and i will stick to this - we text continuously, and meet up a few times a week (we live in the same neighbourhood) for a chat and a kiss and sometimes sex but for the most we keep that to the hotels. The affair isn't just about sex. She is an amazing and a very interesting woman and unfortunately i have fallen in love with her. I love my wife too but in a different way, my mistress is full of passion and love for me, she's interested in everything i do, she's always full of compliments and appreciates me, this sounds really bad typing this out i know but thats how it is. I have to end this affair before people get hurt but i cant let her go i will break her heart not mentioning my wifes heart and our family. But I read this online from a discussion on infidelity on someone with a slightly similar situation: As noted, you do not share children or bills or scheduling or job woes with your mistress. She is an ESCAPE from reality. And part of the love you feel for her is actually love for the escape. You guys are free to give yourselves to each other with wild abandon and no consequences. No sick kids, resentment over division of household chores, money woes, job stress, or anything else gets in the way. Your poor wife on the other hand is part of reality. Your relationship with her comes with all the baggage of a tedious routine life. She cannot compete with your mistress. BUT - if you were to leave your wife and get with your mistress full-time, you'd find things would change drastically. Not only would you guys have to work on merging your lives, but you'd have to deal with parenting with angry betrayed exes and angry betrayed children. It would NOT be the sunshine and roses you experience now.-----How true is that? I've only really been with my wife, and before that, two other women, so not much experience with women in terms of dating.To be honest, I've no knowledge on affairs and don't know how to cope with this.She's not cheating on anyone, so isn't a cheater in that sense, but now I'm questioning the whole thing.Also, she doesn't seem to have many friends, be it male or female, it's just us two together or with her sister who's 31 most of the time.My sex life declined with my wife after I'd found out she'd been talking to guys who were 19-21 years old online but never actually met them, guys from South Africa, Italy, Sweden etc. and had topless pictures of these guys. Obviously with covid she couldn't meet them.The kicker was I found out she'd slept with a 19-year-old guy in our town (yes, 16 is age of consent here) and he wants to be with her.I'm wondering if we're both as bad as each other.and I've done two can play at that game.I think it was she had affair first, then I started having mine.We're both as bad as each other for that.I didn't quite think with my dick fully. Sex was important but not EVERYTHING important here.My mistress is a cosplayer and OnlyFans girl who runs her own business and she's interesrting to talk to, fun, but also veryy into a committed rrelationship.Yes, I've done some morally dodgy things in the past, but nothing more than downloading pirated software or getting kids advanced copies of textbooks before release dates because I knew a guy who knew a guy at a publisher's, nothing highly illegal.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2022): Fresh out of College to "I, too was a mistress." One mistress to another -- HUH! I was 22, still sowing my wild oats; kept guys I sleep with to two. I knew there was an end date and he wasn't BSing me with wifey approval. How about yours?
Married with children
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2022): Before I answer your question OP I need to comment on Female Anon and her answer. Female Anon speaks so nonchalantly about her experience as the other woman. I guess at her age, it would just be fun and meaningless sex since she was fresh out of college. And of course the married guy was good in bed, he was desperate for something other than the same old vagina. If he had been with said mistress for years and years, he would get bored of her too and the "amazing" sex would slow down. So, don't flatter yourself too much. Also, the sex would be elevated so many levels higher with feelings involved but you would never experience that with him. I never had meaningless sex or wanted it because I imagine how empty and mechanical it would be, compared to the passion of loving someone and caring for them in a special way. That said, what I find strange is that if she met Mr. Right, why she did not STOP sleeping with the married man right away? Why did Mr. Right have to catch her fucking the married man? How right was he if she kept fucking around? Moreover, how right was she if she kept fucking around? And why would he want to put a ring on the finger of someone who was so untrustworthy and was two timing you? I guess that is his cross to bear now.As for me, I, too was a mistress. So I get this whole escape and fantasy euphoria of it all. I get the out of this world sex. It is only this way because you live in a fantasy bubble together. I don't need to explain it. You already know. It is an addiction. You keep going back for more because the feelings are addictive like a drug you convince yourself you cannot live without. It's an easy sell when you are vulnerable enough to be pulled into this web of delusion and deception. Most people do not have affairs. The people and conditions must be right for the fire to be lit. I am different though. Me and my married guy fell in love. He left his wife for me and we live happily ever after. We are not the norm at all. But what I can tell you after the affair experience is that I would NEVER do it again. I wish I had met him and fell in love with him without having to deceive other people. I found the damage it did to me as a mistress, the damage to my lover, and the damage it did to his ex wife and family was devastating. Everyone involved gets hurt in some way. You do not come out unscathed. What begins as fun turns REAL and real can hit you harder than you ever imagined. You must accept the repercussions and that the repercussions can change your life as you know it. Be prepared for that. You could end up losing everything. And although you may not regret anything in the heat of the great sex, you will regret it once everything comes crashing down hard on you. Unfortunately people always get burnt by fire, thinking that they are fireproof. Nobody is and you would just end up another casualty like those before you, and those after you. Arrogance does not become anyone. The truth has its way of coming out sooner or later.I can tell you that if you do not LOVE this mistress, I mean truly love her enough to leave your wife and family and start a new life with her, then you are wasting your time and hers. And for a little bit of side action, you sure do have a lot to lose. And in the end, that euphoria and fantasy is so not worth it when you lose it all. Ask yourself if this woman is the one you can grow old with or is your wife the one you can grow old with. Sex over time is going to lose its luster with ANYONE. You can only get that rush with someone new and once it wears off, what will you do, keep searching for new affairs? Who can live that way? It would be stressful and it would take a piece of you every time until the guilt eats away at you until there is nothing left of your soul. Make an honest woman out of your mistress or make your marriage work. Make a choice where you can look yourself in the mirror and see a good man staring back at you. Fun and games only last so long. There comes a time you need to grow up and make the wise choice. And think with the head on your shoulders. And also, have more compassion for your wife and family. I think that if your wife really had affairs on you, and you having affairs in retaliation, your marriage is likely over. So, what are you still doing there? Why are you staying married? Is it financial? What is keeping you married? Two wrongs don't make a right OP. Why are you even a couple if you are both cheaters? You and your wife are both full of baggage and so is your marriage. Do you have an open marriage? Just unhealthy all around for everyone involved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2022): I was her. Fresh out of college, good job. My company dealt with his. We'd have lunch. Boy could I go for him. Wife, kids, little sex. The more for me. Couple drinks after work. He's amazing in bed, unlike 2 minute college boys. For a year I'm his boink buddy. He knows when to go home. I meet Mr Right. Get the heck out, I'm sleeping with 2 guys. Fun till MR catches me. I'm a little defiant. Put a ring on my finger, Buddy. He does. Sorry older guy. It was fun. I think his wife liked situation. We awkwardly met accidentally. She knew about me. She catches us together at an eatery. She was charming, treated me like a Mom would her son's girlfriend. She was just happy he had someone to have sex with and not her. Thanks, I think.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2022): Find it very hard to believe that this young sexy woman wants such an old man, or would make do with a married man when so many single guys would be interested in her. More likely you are paying to see her pics or chat to her and imagining all of the rest, just a fantasy of how you would like it to be.
Most girls of her age who are popular would not go anywhere near a married man or a much older man - even if he paid them. They have far better options.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2022): My friend, you're the king of rationalization. You could sell snow to polar bears, and honey to bees.
I don't know how much of your post is real, and how much is just manufactured; but I'm game, I'll humor you for the sake of readers who have similar issues. Maybe I can help someone married (or single) who is contemplating having an affair with some-one married. Women who give-up on hope and become mistresses to married-men usually have some very sad story behind them. Not all of them are tricked into these relationships; or were fooled by guys who didn't tell them they were married. Most come willingly; because they are tired of searching for love, or just want a sugar daddy. You will treat a mistress better than your wife; because it's a transactional-exchange. There is no real love; it's always about sex. Your wife can give you anything she can; it's just that she's a whole different person, another vagina, and the intrigue of cheating and sneaking around just sweetens the forbidden fruit. Lust and sin are pleasures of our flesh!
I've been here with Dear Cupid since 2013; and I guess we've received posts offering all kinds of excuses, rationalizations, or justifications for just about anything and everything under the sun. No matter how absurd, outrageous, or downright evil it can be.
The fact is, if you commit yourself to a romantic-relationship, or a marriage; there is another person who is locked into an emotional-bond with you. They have feelings, they are taking risks, and they have invested their time and lives into being with someone in a supposedly monogamous and emotional love-affair.
Relationships have ups and downs, it's true. We are human beings with flaws and imperfections. Our human nature tends to be selfish, entitled, prone to jealousy, and we hide our sins. Our modern culture tends to lower the standards when it comes to honesty and trust. It is more inclined to seek what pleasures us, at any cost.
You said sex dwindled in your marriage down to a few times in months. You said your wife had a physical affair, and several psychological-affairs randomly throughout your marriage. All that seems grounds for divorce. Instead, the remedy is having an affair with some local woman; and inappropriately signifying "love" as a factor in continuing what is obviously just a piece of @$$ on the side. Come on, man! Don't pee down our legs and tell us it's raining! Then you give this diatribe about how leaving your wife and taking on the mistress full-time becomes the same as marriage. If you have such a distorted view of marriage, why did you even bother getting married in the first place? You have two children. What kind of environment are they living in, and what kind of values are you and your wife passing-down to them???
The lack of sex and intimacy is a very common excuse/defense for stepping out on allegedly frigid wives, and impotent husbands. Usually it's just boredom with the same ole vagina, or poor love-making skills on the part of her man. Yes, size sometimes matters! Some women would prefer to know when they've been penetrated, rather than tickled! I guess roving outside the marriage is more logical than seeking counseling; or getting medical-examinations for possible physiological or psychological reasons behind abnormal aversions to sexual intercourse and intimacy in the marriage. Don't claim love is there, when you won't go the extra mile to revive and sustain your failing or dysfunctional union. Love is a word thrown around so casually; yet people do such atrocious things that contradict love in every way, shape, and form! It isn't love, if your fondness for someone isn't strong enough not to hurt, dishonor, or betray them.
If you're in an un-married romantic-relationship; you can simply part ways when the relationship has run it's course. People rather stay in these trauma-bonds that just hurt each-other; and cause serious emotional damage, and inflict a lot of pain or abuse. Marriage is different in that you exchanged vows before witnesses and an officiator. Your union is on public record. You declared no man should put asunder what God has joined in matrimony. It takes a costly and belabored legal process to dissolve it. Your children have to undergo the trauma of such a process. Staying together for their sake is just another form of deception. A lie! They are trusting their family-unit is intact and everybody loves each-other. The discovery that it was a lie will traumatize them for a lifetime!
I guess marriage vows are just pretty hollow words; and the whole ceremony and outrageous expense for a wedding was just a show. You wonder why years ago there was such a big controversy about gay-people getting married? When living together unmarried (and having kids) is the social norm; and having affairs, while in marriage, almost seems to be expected to happen in the majority of heterosexual-marriages. Divorce statistics are higher than they've ever been in history. The hypocrisy is dumbfounding!
If one could be a fly on the wall, or just read Dear Cupid; you'd discover the mysteries, causes, and reasons for a lot of women who don't want sex with their husbands. Often it stems from psychological and emotional abuse. Medical complications, menopause, perimenopause, side-effects from medication, and various physiological/anatomical female-problems. Narcissism, intimidation, aggressive male-behavior, and porn. Too much interest in other females, too much interaction with exes, and a host of other reasons too numerous to list here. Yet they won't leave these men, instead they opt to stay with them. I see no logic in that; but such is life I suppose.
It seems reasonably logical to get a divorce in your situation; but your obscure rationalization explains to leave her for your mistress would place you back in the same emotional dynamic. That's rich! I gotta tell ya! Living a life of tit-for-tat should be a great life-lesson to pass-on to your kids.
My friend, there is no justification for deception, disrespect; and the blatant devaluation of someone's trust who loves you. You either work to fix a bad-marriage, or you get a divorce. You never have to marry again, that's a valid and acceptable choice. When you don't resolve issues with reason and logic; they turn into insurmountable tragedies that will scar you for life. You become embittered, and that bitterness will adversely affect every relationship you will have hereafter. Broken-people bring nothing to the table but drama and pain. Your arrogance doesn't disguise your pain.
Extramarital-affairs (cheating) are about sex; there is no moral justification or socially acceptable reasoning to do it. If your wife cheats on you, get rid of her! Gather whatever proof you can, get a good lawyer, and minimize your losses. Ladies, if your man is a serial-cheater, dump him!!! Don't devalue yourself getting even. Hurt-people hurt other people. Two hurt-people in a romance or marriage is a disaster.
If cheating has infected your marriage, or relationship, you should leave each-other. Find help, or find Jesus; and get-on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 April 2022):
 So what you are asking is, is it a SURE BET to divorce my wife for a BARELY adult woman?
It's not.
You are TWICE as old as your "mistress". What do you actually share in common? Great sex? Well, that is a solid foundation!
Bringing up the guys your wife has chatted with and the KID she had sex with in the past is neither here nor there. Two wrongs don't make a right. If you stayed even when SHE behaved detrimental to your relationship, then I'm curious as to why.
"I'm wondering if we're both as bad as each other."
Well, yes. She engaged in "fantasy relationships" online which are emotional affairs that can be as damaging as the physical "fantasy relationship" one YOU are having.
Your mistress is an "OnlyFans Girl" - so a prostitute who conducts business through a website. And you think she is REALLY into committed relationships?! Yeah, nah. She might want one and it might be why she is with a guy TWICE her age, because most men who want to settle down and have a family don't want the wife to be a prostitute.
How can you BE OK with her being a "OnlyFans Girl" - which means she DEFINITELY talks to other men and show them ALL kind of intimate pictures of herself but it's not OK when your wife talks to other dudes and send topless pictures? Because she is "Old"? And your "Mistress" is young?
Or do you expect your "Mistress" to drop her "online business" if you two actually get together?
Does the "Mistress" "work" from home? If so, if you two were to shack up do you think it would be appropriate to have a 6 year old kid around that line of work? Or do you just think to leave the wife and kids and not be around them anymore?
What if the "mistress" wants kids?
The thing is, OP you need to shit or get off the pot. To put it crudely. While your wife is no paragon of good morals or even a great wife - neither are you a paragon of being a good husband. So figure out what you really want. You can't have both unless your wife agrees to it.
" my mistress is full of passion and love for me" Sure she is. She is young, it's a new and forbidden relationship. It's centered around sex. You are in the "affair fog" where you can't see straight and everything is "new and shiny".
This isn't sustainable. What do you think will happen when your wife finds out?
You need to make a choice and come clean to the wife. If you want to be with the mistress and think it's going to be a "bed of roses" with her... Then that is your choice.
And be prepared to have one kid (the oldest) wanting nothing to do with you.
Sounds like you are having a massive midlife crisis.
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